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    Randy Morgan

    I wanted to ask all Jedi out there their opinions on this subject. I am currently in a long distance relationship and I am meeting my GF for the first time in a few weeks. Lately she has an abcess on her neck, she is afraid it is Cancer on her Lymph Nodes and has been going into a state of depression and has unintentionally taking it out on me.  ??? A few days ago my friend introduces me to a woman who is offering sex No Strings Attached and I have refused now all my friends are jumping in saying I should do it cause my gf is being mean to me and we haven’t met yet.

    I don’t want to  :noway and I tell them that as a Jedi I hold my standards and integrity higher then most. That it is wrong to do something just because my gf is having a rough time and very afraid of losing me cause of her medical conditions and taking it out on me doesn’t make it right for me to do something with some one else.

    I admit yes holding my moral code and and doing my best to keep my word isn’t easy and left me alone and heartbroken a lot due to keeping promises and and my loyalty and just outright being betrayed outright. A lot of my friends say I should get rid of my old beliefs cause the world changed and now I should to but as a Jedi I feel that if we give our word and our heart to someone it isn’t right to just have sex with someone else cause it is wrong to in my eyes.  :yoda My friends are saying there is nothing wrong with it and Jedi or not I should do it cause I haven’t met my gf yet and her actions towards me have been hurtful.

    I want to know all of ur opinions about it cause so many say having sex with someone with No Strings Attached is a good thing yet I refuse cause I am with someone. Again we meet in a few weeks. Yes she has said things that have been hurtful but she says she is so afraid of losing me that her being in depressive state isn’t helping and she has apologized about it and is really sorry.

    I want to know do other Jedi share my mentality that maintaining higher codes then most and sticking to our beliefs is still important. I will admit there is conflict  :fight in me about the whole thing but I want to know ur opinions on should Jedi maintain higher standards then everyday people or should we change to be more like them?

    Please let me know ur opinions as soon as u can. I am open and eager to hear all ur input on the subject.


    It seems to me that there are two different ethical questions here and you seem to be asking about both of them, but not separating them.  Perhaps it will help some to consider them separately.

    The first consideration is whether or not your internal ethics allow casual sexual encounters.  Jedi codes and beliefs don’t specifically address this.  Perhaps we could read between the lines and see an implication that casual sexual contact is better than deep emotional attachment.  If you’re friends are arguing that casual sexual encounters are very accepted in modern culture, then they are correct.  However, just because most people believe it doesn’t make it right.  My own personal feeling is that sex is deeply spiritual and intimate and should only be part of a deep and committed relationship.

    The second consideration is whether or not you have a committment to your girlfriend that you would be violating.  I think it’s pretty clear that if she feels you have committed to monogamy with her it would be very unkind for you to have sex with another person.  Perhaps your friends are arguing that she deserves to be hurt by you because of what she has done or that our culture says it’s OK to hurt someone when you disagree with their understanding of the situation.  If that is what they are saying, then they are clearly wrong on both counts.  My own opinion is that before you have sex with someone else you need to either end your relationship or confirm that she is OK with you having casual sexual encounters with other women.

    I feel for your situation of not knowing how to handle her emotional instability.  I’ve been through that.  If you dump her now, it could damage her further.  But that is not your responsability.  If it is the right thing for you to leave, you need to figure out how to do the least damage and get out.  But if you feel that you would like this to be a long-term relationship and think that your bond can grow stronger by making it through this together, then buck up, put your own desires aside, and figure out how you can most be of assistance to her.



    On the Sex bit: *insert word here* ’em.  Look, I was a VIRGIN up until the moment I got married.  Now that might seem different from your situation, especially since I’m a woman.  But I’ve always gotten flack from various sources for my virginity, and then I’ve gotten a lot of respect for it as well.  I don’t regret a thing. (I was late into 24 years old when I got married, btw).

    Women want someone who is respectable, if you drop your morals because your friends are telling you to- then we just feel you aren’t worth it anymore.  You might do it again.

    Onto the Girlfriend: The most you can do is be supportive of her and (if she hasn’t done it yet) encourage her to go to the doctor (escort her to the doctor if necessary).  Let her know that you are there for her, and that you care about her-regardless of what happens in your relationship (well at least until a time you or she feels it is time to part ways).  These are the sorts of things you’ll experience when you are married, so it’s good to learn how to deal with them in proceeding relationships now, before you run out on the girl of your dreams. ;)

    Kol Drake

    I concur with the posts of zen-ryo senshi and Setanaoko …

    An old song said, ” … if you can’t be with the one you love; love the one you are with.”  That was the swinging 60’s / early 70’s idea of free love.  Twenty years later and the philosophy became skrew everyone as long as I get mine.

    Neither worked out well in the long term imo.

    Being in my mid 50’s I can state with a fair amount of ‘fact’… there is no such thing as a “No Strings Attached” sexual encounter.  And as noted by zen-ryo and Steanaoko, there is the whole “being truthful to your own self, philosophy, integrity” let alone how your actions might color how you go forward with any other relationship (… if he ‘strayed once’ won’t it happen again… etc.)

    As stated, just because your friends ‘think’ it is a great idea does not make it so.
    This is more like.. we skrewed up and hope we can pull you down to our level too… so we feel better about our own actions.

    As for the gf’s emotional situation,  I can understand.  My ex went from fairly level headed to pretty wild emotional swings when she thought she had ovarian cancer.  It wasn’t but even so, she had all the fears and depression and dark days that came with thinking of her own potential death, leaving those she loved behind,  etc.  

    You have to decide if you wish to aid her during these times.  Whether this long distance relationship turns into a full blown life together or ‘just good friends’, being there during these times says as much about your character as her ‘issues’.   Relationships are not all good times, rainbows and unicorns… there are dark days and harsh words.  But if you walk away with the first harsh word… you will always be walking away from someone (or situation).  

    Decide on what kind of man (and Jedi) you want to be and live your decision.


    This is one of those moments that, perhaps, you can more clarify your Path – be it Jedi or some other – and all are valid.

    All are times of learning and growth.

    So – you have an emotional/intellectual connection or a physical/sexual one…  Do you have to choose one or the other?  If so – why? 

    Or maybe more importantly – as a Jedi – or a human – what exactly are you looking for in your life at this time? 

    Take yourself away from the situation and try to see it from an outsider.  If you can do it – you can judge without so much “attachment” to your own feelings/ego/fears/desires.

    I am NOT saying that Jedi Realists (or whatever we all call our individual Paths) do not have emotional or sexual desires or that relationships are toxic – it’s quite the opposite.  Consider right now – also – as you look at these three people with some detachment (you and the two girls) what is the healthy answer???

    It may surprise you…  It may not be what you would have thought…. 

    Good luck, kid…  I’m older too – and it does all get easier with time.  But we all do make mistakes to learn and they are our best teachers.  Just try not to hurt too many others or yourself too badly.


    Not really much to add to the already said.
    As for myself, I have a longterm relationship behind me now which started as a far distance relationship as well. Although it ended a year ago, I still consider this relationship worth every day we had together. Why? Mainly because we held up to our commitment and didn’t listen to does voices around us whom said that you have to be “silly” to do this as it would be so much “easier” to go for something closer. I hope this makes sense to You in a way!? Finally we splitted up but as friends and still meeting occasionally. Obviously it isn’t anymore as it had been before but I know I do still have a friend in here on which I could rely on and vice versa.
    So the only advice I could give is, turn Your thoughts inward and find out what You really feel for her. If You find out that You have the feeling that all the effort You but into this relationship is worth it, then it for sure is! If not, then just be so fair and end it like a “gentleman” and tell her your worries and problems. I know, a big distance between two loving people don’t make it easier for them but, if both willing, those relationships will turn out much stronger then “normal” ones.
    In my point of view, Your friends are wrong. For myself, I would rather want to live with my (high) standards and lose a friend or two, than to commit myself to them and do what they would do, resulting in the fact that I couldn’t look into my own face in the mirror anymore as I would feel ashamed on what I have done.
    One of my teachers once said: “The only one whom is important to/in your life is you.” In the first run this seems to be a hard saying, but it is true. Only You can have influence on Your life and it is only yourself with what You have to deal with. But through this it is also only You whom defines what is of importance for You. All other things may change, but You can’t get rid of yourself.
    So, as Kol Drake said: “Decide on what kind of man/Jedi/warrior/what ever You want to be and live your decision.”


    First your issues while bound together ARE separate so I address them separately.

    I know I may sound a bit crass but that is at times the way I was cobbled together But you asked for opinion and here are mine.

    You Have a GF, You have not yet met.  You plan to meet shortly… This is one path you owe to yourself to see through… You have put in the work by being faithful, and patient, and understanding. Sure she’s been tromping on your guts unjustly because she’s going through some stuff. But having been married divorced, and remarried I have learned that you need at times to just be the bag. You feel like hell and ask frequently WTF am I doing taking this but you learn things about yourself and her(not being sexist just talking to a guy with a GF) and you will to a degree strengthen yourself and your relationship by just being there… Flip side to that there are times when you are taking undue flak that you need to take it down a notch or three and be prepared to either walk out so the other can calm down or you can also say ” I know you’re Pi$$’d off right now but yelling at me is not going to do anything.” I’ve also just said to friends ” Hey, You’re kind of being a BIT(#” 
    My Opinion is meet the girl. Feel each other out to see where you stand and if there is something there that you both wish to continue.

    Now onto this other lass. IF after you ACTUALLY MEET your GF and IF you decide to peace out because it just isn’t working no sparks and what not, I say go for it.

    Yes intimacy and love, and all that jazz are what we are all(ok most of us) seeking But there is something to be said of NO STRINGS, If you are comfortable with the no strings giv’er. and if you are both unattached and you decide to go ahead who’s to say that something won’t develop.

    I have a couple of friends that INTENDED to hook up for one night only… they have just celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary and have announced that they are expecting child #1


    This is just sort of a side note, and I don’t mean to take anything from you Macgilleon-just had to comment: I’ll never understand one night stands.  ESPECIALLY if they are strictly for the sex (no exchange of real conversation or even just a dance).  If it’s strictly for the sex…then what’s the point? *shrugs*.  Prostitutes at least get paid. (I don’t support prostitution, just sayin’).

    Beral Khan

    We live in an age where we can consider online relationships as valid as face to face ones.  My opinion of these is still being formed. 

    I would consider what is it about your online relationship that makes it ‘real’ for you.  What I mean by that is, no matter how much fantasy play you create online with someone, if it isn’t happening physically, it ISN’T HAPPENING PHYSICALLY.

    To clarify:  no matter how much you are chat/text/cam sharing I promise you it just isn’t going to be as real as physically being in the presence of the other person.  Claim an intimate relationship if you wish, but from an outside source (such as your friends who are viewing your relationship) it is hard to ‘respect’ that relationship as real.

    We have never met nor have we ever really chatted on any forums. We have never had any connection, so myself, as well as anyone on this forum with the same experience with you, has to assume a great deal so here is my assumptions:

    You want to be a hero.  You enjoy being needed and this ‘girlfriend’ from another part of the world makes you feel that way.  You have bonded intimately because in her need you have found a way to be important.  This often is seen as ‘love’ because of the lack of real world examples of what love can be.

    Your girlfriend wants to be a victim.  She wants and needs a hero.  She lacks self esteem and feels like most people just don’t ‘get’ her but YOU do.

    Also, having a relationship with someone you do not have to physically face on a daily basis takes a lot of pressure off of a person. The reality of the situation is skewed a bit.

    To be clear: I am not saying that long lasting friendships and even love cannot come from meeting someone online.  I feel I am friends with many people on this board. But to be… what? Monogamous? Celibate? with someone you aren’t even sleeping with (but you would if they were in the same room) and claim that you are ‘Boyfriend/Girlfriend’ is like being a musician who only talks about playing an instrument online.  If you never really actually PLAY the instrument are you REALLY a musician?

    None of this is, of course, that black and white.  However, there are some things you need to think about.  I think you need to look at your life in a bigger picture that includes life NOT being lived ONLINE.
    May the Force Be With You,


    AS most have said above, with your current GF you have made a commitment, what your friends think about that commitment is irrelevant, it is what you think about that commitment that matters. How you will look at yourself in the mirror every morning is what is important. If the relationship has gotten to the point where you can’t handle it anymore, then you owe it to yourself AND HER, to end it as easy as possible, with the least amount of damage to her AND YOU. understand, a break up can hurt more then just the person being dumped, but drawing out a relationship that is over can cause more problems then just ending it immediately.

    As for the no strings, doesn’t exist, as in another discussion about expectations, while there may be talk of no strings, there are always expectations that can cause problems as well. While intercourse may be a very spiritual thing, sex is not necessarily. Intercourse is sex between to people that have a connection, more so then just knowing each others names, while sex is simply a physical drive. There are times when sex becomes a physical need that makes other things more difficult, but it is up to you to decide where you draw the line. While one night stands/Friends with benefits, are more about the physical needs, the spiritual and emotional needs are not being met, and in time will start to cause issues. IMO I don’t condone one night stands/friends with benefits, but I also don’t condemn them, as it is all a personal choice, but just realize it will do nothing but fulfill your basic animal needs, and nothing more.

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