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    Kol Drake

    Perhaps a more sane response?

    If I was an alien intelligence from a galaxy far, far away, I might ask… why do you exist here?

    ‘Here’ being this moment in time when you were brought pain / suffering due to these people / circumstances. What is it that draws your memories to bring it all back as raw and painful as when it first ocurred?

    Sadly, this point in your timeline is a ‘place’ that you choose to be at. ya ya… I know you would say, “No, but something was said. Some song brought back memories. I came across an old photo.” or something similar. Cosmic debris along the timeline of Life. Sometimes it blows across our path again. (Life Paths can be a helix instead of a straight line.. so ‘stuff’ may fall across our path more than once — imo)

    Now, that ‘alien me’ might say, why do you keep returning to ‘that point’? After all, the function of memory is to protect us. If all we are doing is re-living the past and poking at old wounds, we are not learning from those memories, we are making sure we stay locked in a loop. ‘We’ choose to exist there / stayed tied to that fixed point in our life stream.

    You have gotten more than your share of — “Let it go,” advice.
    You know — “If a memory serves no immediate benefit or purpose, let it go.”

    Many might advocate that you distract yourself in any way possible: push forward even harder on a project you are working on, dive deeper into a book whenever your mind wanders, or occupy yourself with other mentally stimulating tasks. As part of the mind’s protection mechanism, the brain will begin to chemically delete the painful responses to memories we do not actively reinforce.

    Now, this is not suppression, but, rather, a neural reassignment of resources. What this does is, in effect, allowing only the actions of the past – and not the attendant emotions – to pass through us upon recollection, which in turn allows us to see who we were at that time and, hopefully, prevent us from being a person in those same circumstances again.

    Allowing ourselves to ‘forgive and forget’ after someone has emotionally hurt us comes with considerable difficulty when it concerns our own healing. Too often we turn our pain inward in an attempt to blame ourselves for what we perceive as foolish weakness, and to shield others from true blame, because otherwise we are feeling shamed for having ‘fallen for it’ in the first place.

    Self-healing is vital to every aspect of our wellbeing.
    Self-compassion is the first step toward emotional healing.
    We can be hurt; we will be hurt.
    There is no shame in that.

    Let the pain run its course, then let the brain and heart do their jobs reminding us how precious we are; that we are not defined by anything that has hurt us. We have been and always will be more than pain cocooned in soft, pliable shells.

    The Final Countdown —
    Usually, if we are returning again and again to a painful situation, there is something we have not resolved. (We choose to exist ‘here’…) Better to face this issue so as to find out what that sticking point is. Process it, and in processing it, drain it of its hold on memory (and you!)

    Naked Truth: It may not be easy to do so. The process will be painful and bumpy, but ‘we’ often forget how many times we have come through pain. You are made of strong stuff. Give yourself for that. (We also can get tired of beating a dead horse. So, let that nag go and spend ‘quality time’ raising a new colt (( or feline overlord ))).

    Now, you may not have aliens assisting you in coming to your realization of strength and sense of future. Luckily, you have got something better and much more reliable: your self/Self. The moment you realize old wounds are just that –gone and done and analyzed and laid to rest with all it’s potential ‘insights’ exhausted — the pain loses its power over you.

    Final Truth: We learn who we are in how we heal, not how we were harmed.

    The past is what happened.
    The present is you happening.
    The future, is what you bring to it.

    In conclusion:

    We are not aliens. We are humans learning to be our best. For good or bad, memories happen. That is something we, as real people, put ourselves through all the time — forcing our eyes to stare at painful shards until every edge is razor sharp. These focusing attempts reinforce the encoding of our emotional experiences. Sometimes it is best that a memory, if it has to be recalled at all, be vague.

    At times, we are our own worst enemies. We are our hardest critics. We point out our every failing at every turn. This is all on us.

    We must practice wiser self appreciation, self acceptance, and self healing.
    We may never be perfect BUT, we can always do better…


    I am going to have to read that last one a few more times for it to fully sink in and stick. A few thoughts in the meantime:
    – As I was being angry and hurt, all I kept thinking about was the story of the monks. I have read it several times and I was very aware I was the younger monk. I suppose awareness is a start?
    -I am really trying to figure out why I am still stuck on this hurt. I have had a very hard time figuring out why. I don’t know if I am in denial, if I blame myself (a fundamental aspect of me-something that makes me ME, was part of the reason the one relationship ended. So there is part of me that still views me as flawed, and thinks if I weren’t flawed, it wouldn’t have ended). Or maybe there is something else all together.
    -The event that triggered the wound reopening was me stumbling across something on Facebook. I thought I had removed all access to these two people by blocking them, thus keeping me from going down the rabbit hole of hurt, but well Facebook finds a way to stick it to you sometimes. Part of me wonders if this was the universe, ah, beating me over the head with a 2×4 after I started to feel nostalgic and considered contacting one of the people who hurt me. Part of me suspects this was the universe being like “dude look, ain’t happening. SUPER BAD IDEA. WARNING WILL ROBINSON WARNING!” and since I was already in a bad place, it just hit me harder.
    – I still would really like to heal and get past this shit. I do not want to go down the path to the dark side. Just don’t.

    Kol Drake
    “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!” — Godfather III

    Sometimes the Universe likes to point out ‘stuff’ that stills needs being worked on. This seems to be one of those ‘things’ — you *thought* you had all sewed up but…

    Your list of ‘bullet points’ have the right of it.
    It’s been a while now; you can ‘look at it’ with a less emotional ‘eye’ and take both sides in your analysis. That quesiton: Why am I returing to this issue again (and again) is a valid one. Some introspection and perhaps even shamanic work (talking this over with your spirit mentors) might be helpful.


    I need the assistance of some MBOs and some healing energy. My world is in a bit of chaos right now and I am having a very hard time getting my head on straight. (I am going to try NOT to turn this post into word vomit, but uh…)

    -one of my two feral cats left me last week. She went off on her own to die. Looking back I see now that she was showing signs for a bit and that she was the one who was the sickest of the two. We assumed it was the one remaining kitty. Little Black (whose secret name was Romana after the badass Time Lady) came to me in a dream to say goodbye, and apologize that she didn’t make it home before she left. She told me how much she loved me. I did a neighborhood search to try and find her earthly remains to give her a proper sendoff. But so far it has been unsuccessful. Put fliers up in case anyone found her.

    -I have one little old kitty left on my deck. I don’t know what to do with Mama Kitty. I am distraught trying to figure out the best thing for her. Do I bring her inside? Do I take her in to the vet to be euthanized? Back in May I had thought about taking both girls in to be euthanized together so that above didn’t happen. But I kept putting it off. I just know she can’t stay outside by herself all winter. So I am distraught.

    – Work has been incredibly stressful. Looonggg days. Sick cats. Grumpy clients. LOTS of hard of hearing clients (which is an odd uptick, but not really unforseen). Last week my coworker and I spent Thursday evening in the ER with one of our patients who we had to transfer there. It’s been a hell of a month and a half at work.

    – the news sucks. The world seems to be falling apart around us.

    – my self confidence took a sudden and unexpected nosedive. Actually, more like it vanished in a puff of magical smoke one night.

    So I am in a very raw, emotional, depressed place. I need MBOs to figure out what to do with Mama Kitty. I need healing.


    Oh my. It has been a while.  Life has been quite hectic in the past year and a half.   There was too much to focus on in the real world, and something had to drop, so sadly it was IJRS.   After my one feral girl left I focused all my energy on trying to bring her sister inside. I did finally and we had 6 glorious months together inside before she too crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Fall 2018 say a massive upheaval at work as we got displaced due to a fire in the strip mall. Doing veterinary care without a hospital is a challenge, and that took all my energy for 6 months. May of last year I moved and that was a massive upheaval in my life, I had a very hard time coping with the changes.  By the time I was adjusted, there were a wave of medical issues to get addressed, then the holidays and all the birthdays. Now we are in the midst of a global pandemic. And I realized there is never going to be a “good time” to try to get back here, I just have to make a good time.

    I have been focusing my real life (vs. digital life) studies on Shamanism, and it is fascinating. Apparently I have a gift for journeys. It has been a great way to discover the Force and my connections to it.

    I am loving the new layout, though I fill a bit guilty that I dropped the ball on helping out with it. Sorry Jax.

    I am looking forward to catching up on the forums, picking up my training and learning to navigate the new website.

    Take care my friends. MTFBWY.


    I’m so happy your shamanic training is going well! I wish my journeys were more concrete, but I enjoy the guided meditations I’ve been doing with one of my teachers. I always feel so relaxed after.


    Hi! I wasn’t here when you were last here, and I’ve just started catching up on the last couple months of posts. I’ve been studying shamanism for the past year myself. It’s been a really eye-opening practise and has helped me deal with a lot of old issues. It’s cool to see someone else here on a similar path.


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