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November 1, 2008 at 5:08 pm #149715JaxKeymaster
This is more to remind me of what to expand on later, since I should get back to the laundry and prepare for the wedding reception this afternoon.
1. The biggest event of the trip is actually meeting my wife’s step family from her childhood, including the person who abused her for years. This is a person that I have felt I could actually harm at times in the past for what he has done in the past. This was a big spiritual test for me.
2. I went walking in the woods on my parents new land, which was my grandparents land. I haven’t been back there in probably 15 or even 20 years. I found some really awesome hawk feathers while walking, which I am bringing back with me.
3. Today is the wedding reception, which will involve a lot of people. For the first time I am sitting at the head table, which will not be very comfortable. Plus, Carrie isn’t stable, and the stress just makes it worse. So we’re not sure where to have her sit. I don’t want it to look like she’s less than anyone else’s spouse, but we have to take her health into consideration. She’ll probably be sitting next to my grandma instead. I guess we’ll just have to see…
4. I’ve had some interesting experiences with animals this trip. Dogs, cats, feeding the horses…lots of fun.December 1, 2008 at 3:48 am #149774JaxKeymaster
During this 4 day weekend I had the chance to regain some balance in training. I did workouts, even went for a run and discovered it was too cold for my lungs. Looks like running is scrapped most of the winter (thankfully it’ll pass quickly here). Instead I’m going to go for walks (for other reasons as well, see my blog for details). I ate pretty healthy all weekend, which my stomach appreciated. I finished my 2000 piece (now 1999 piece) puzzle, which was good for my patience training. I also worked on making bracelets, which is also good for patience training. I did a 15 meditation yesterday morning, and need to do one tonight since I didn’t do it this morning.
I listened to a rather interesting piece yesterday, Spiritual Power, Spiritual Practice which is a really good kick in the pants for those who have traveled a decent distance on their spiritual journey. I need to listen to it again, to be honest, as there are important lessons from it that everyone could use. I need to take notes on it.
So, right now I have a goal for the next 3 weeks. I want to get up a bit earlier so I can do a little wii fit yoga and eat breakfast in the morning before work. It should only mean 30 minutes earlier this week, and then next week an hour so I can do an actual workout before work. I’m also working on bringing a lunch every day, since we’re short on cash and I need to get this budget thing worked out while we still have a little chance to save. These are my primary goals so that I have setup a schedule before Christmas break (we get off from the 24th through the 1st). If I can pull that off, not only will I be losing weight, but I’ll have truly found balance that I haven’t had in…ever. It makes a big difference to have my thyroid medication starting to kick in so I have the energy to do this.
Therefore I should be posting here more. I’ll also be writing lectures, finally! I hope this also kick starts some other posts here. Hopefully people are training, but are just too busy to post.April 6, 2009 at 2:39 pm #150803JaxKeymaster
Last night we did the chakra cleanse on my wife. I say we because I have much help through the spirits we interact with. This creates more effective energy work and is safer since they can see things I can’t. We have a new analogy for Carrie’s brain. It’s like a piece of plywood is between two parts of her brain which used to talk, and now can’t. So when we are working on the 7th chakra, it can feel like pulling a sliver out. However, once we finished, she could spontaneously remember algebra and geometry, see better…basically her brain was working better! All from one short session! Of course, like anything we can’t move quickly because it would do more damage than it fixes, but this was some concrete evidence that we can heal some of this damage on our own.
Other notes: For the heart chakra, I made an effort to really put my own love and energy back into her after removing the negative energy so she didn’t feel like there was just a hole there. That seemed to help quite a bit. She’s made immense improvement in some old emotional injuries, and this wasn’t nearly as traumatic as the previous instances.
My huge disclaimer for this is that I have a partner who I’ve been with for 10 years. We trust each other and know each other so it works very well, but it’s still a painful and delicate process. We also have guides that are helping out, answering questions, etc. Do not just run around trying this on other people, not even your family members and such. You should have a lot of experience with your own chakras before trying this on someone else. And even then, you need to discuss all the emotional stuff that can come from healing, and knowing when to stop, or cut things short and to move on and spin them back up. It is not recommended for beginners to try this on others, only themselves.April 16, 2009 at 3:25 am #150964JaxKeymaster
Last night (was it last night, no, monday night I think) I did another chakra cleanse on Carrie. This is the first since she cut her hair off earlier that day. That was apparently a good decision as this was by far the simplest cleanse we’ve ever done. Everything through her heart chakra was easier, really it was only her 6th and 7th that was difficult, and that’s going to remain difficult for a while due to her seizures.
Since this is my training journey, not Carrie’s, I should talk about my own growth with this. Apparently no one helped me after the first chakra. It was also at that point that I finally felt something. When I am feeling a lot of energy interaction it feels like playing with two magnets repelling. It’s a rather fun feeling. I felt that in all the chakras throughout the process which was really interesting. I was able to start making adjustments to the location of the rotation consciously, which is nice. I asked after and the guides confirmed I’m just getting more sensitive. Perhaps in time I’ll feel confident enough to try on someone else, assuming I trust them and they can trust me that is. Maybe I can enlist Andrea when we go visit.
Yesterday I also tried a hemisync track with binaural beats that are meant to help the brain concentrate. I’m not sure if it helped me concentrate, but I was tired. However, I did feel lots of…weird things in my brain. I’ll try it out again another day to see if I find it helpful or not. It’s ok if it doesn’t. Everyone’s brain is different after all.
So that’s what I’ve done this week, beyond the packing of course. Even when busy, life can provide opportunities to practice if we just allow it to happen.April 19, 2009 at 4:36 am #150985JaxKeymaster
This weekend has been an interesting life training experience. The movers took twice as long as we hoped, and thus twice as much money. However, I was determined to not let that stress me out, and due to not being able to remember all the money we had vs how much we paid out, I was successful. lol I’m not going to stress on it now either. I’ve managed to be less stressed than other moves, though there were a few moments.
Last night, while I was trying to set things up, the power went out and stayed out for 3 hours. While we still had a little light, I setup the bed. Unfortunately we have a sleep number bed which requires power to fully setup, so I didn’t get to finish that until the power came back. Boy was I glad when it came back! As it got darker, I realized candles would be helpful. I remembered a small tote with some, and thankfully knew were that was. Once I had a little light going, I could continue to search through boxes until I found one with even more candles that were larger and put out more light. Then I finally found some flashlights with dead batteries. They were conveniently packed with a battery powered pump for the air mattress so I stole the batteries from that. Handy! About 2 hours in to this process I decided that was all I could do safely and finally laid on the floor. My back was rather sore and tight, so I just tried to relax. It was then that I truly felt this sense of peace and calm. The air was cool following some rain, and people were basically quiet, so I felt like I was camping – no tasks to do, fresh air, just being. It was quite nice.
Today I woke up and was still rather tired and sore in my back, so we had a low key morning. We went to Golden Corral since buffet is always helpful when you’re not sure what you want to eat. I thought about swinging by the apartment on the way back, but decided to just go home. It turns out that was a good idea. We got home and saw the Tivo wasn’t working right. I tried to reset it and it just locked up. Turns out the power failure last night must have fried the hard drive. Around this time, the rain started. By the time I got back from comcast with a DVR and set it up, it started to really rain. This quickly turned into a severe storm, dumping 5 inches or more on us in a few hours, with really crazy wind. I finally decided it was calm enough to get food and ordered from our favorite Asian place, which was near our old apartment. As I drove that way, I saw just how much the creeks and bayous had flooded. Then I saw how bad the streets were flooded at the main intersection I needed and saw it was impossible for me to get to the old apartment. There were cars stalled out in the road, and if I had gone to the old apartment when I intended to, I could have been stranded there or made the mistake of driving through water too deep for my car to handle. As it is, I had to drive through a few inches of water and that made me nervous enough. No problems though, and I returned home, amazed at the amount of water a Houston storm can hold, and thankful that I just rolled with events today instead of trying to stick to a schedule.
The storms have past, and I even saw a tiny bit of blue sky before it was dark tonight, so tomorrow will be a long day at the old apartment. My task will be to simply keep moving and not get stressed out. My body is more rested, though I have continued to move boxes around as I unpack. But my library is now mostly unpacked and on the shelves, and that encompasses the majority of the heavy boxes.
Sometimes, it isn’t until we have an off-nominal day or weekend that we see just how much our training has influenced our lives. I’m quite grateful for it myself and really can’t imagine this being less stressful. Now I better get to bed, as I can barely keep my eyes open and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.April 28, 2009 at 2:02 am #151058JaxKeymaster
I’m going to post and save often because we have severe weather rolling in, but I want to get this stuff down now that I understand a bit of it.
Today, Carrie met the neighbors who just moved in. They actually lived below us, but got sick of getting flooded so took advantage of the open apartment next to us. Turns out he is a pastor and an amputee, also named Carrie (not sure of the spelling). They had a genuine connection and spiritual experience talking to each other. This isn’t a bad thing, as any genuine spiritual experience should be honored. But church and religion are not the only genuine experiences, and in fact rarely are the source of them, but I digress.
Carrie told me about this, and I instantly got worried, cautious – basically a lot of negative feelings. I honestly couldn’t describe the feeling, but it’s in my chest, churning. I guess it’s kind of like when your stomach churns when you feel unsafe or very anxious about something, but it’s in my heart chakra instead. I tried to put words to it and eventually came to some sort of understand that isn’t full, but is a start. So I’ll bypass the process of reaching that understanding and just try to explain it.
I grew up in a conservative Lutheran church, Wisconsin Synod for the curious. I went to church on sundays, went to saturday school (basically sunday school, but on saturday and for the whole morning instead of just an hour). I also went to a Lutheran School. Most of the time, it wasn’t a big deal. The stuff that pissed me off was the dress code (no rock shirts) more than anything. We weren’t given lecture after lecture about homosexuality being evil any more than any other ‘sin’. Hell, I don’t remember it being brought up at all really. And especially in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, we had some really great teachers. Teachers that were understanding and accepting of people and their differences. Looking back today, I still can’t imagine that they would truly judge me for being gay, or ostracize me.
But that’s the thing…the religion does teach that I’m a horrible sinner. I think partly I’m overlaying what I see of the extreme conservative right who are out there protesting and such, but then again, I have had family members say gay people shouldn’t be teachers and simply not talk to me for years. So there’s this big part of me that is confused. I still can’t see these people who were so accepting of teenagers and their craziness as judgmental. And if I can’t see it now, looking back on all that I know, how am I supposed to see it from people I don’t know? How am I supposed to know when someone is just darn sneaky, and luring you in with all that ‘jesus loves everyone’ stuff, just to turn around later and claim you need to do something to be saved, or that you aren’t going to heaven without confessing and accepting jesus as your personal lord and savior bs. Or really, to find out that they are really judging you, no matter what their words say.
I know, I shouldn’t care, but it’s still a process. People that I really cared about, and I believed cared about me as a person may just throw that all out when they know I’m gay. And that makes me sad. So when Carrie meets people who provide her some comfort, acting as a conduit to God, even though she knows it isn’t necessary, I worry. I worry they aren’t who they appear to be, and she’ll be hurt. Or even worse, that in a weakened state of mind they will plant seeds that will be poison to her spiritual path.
Let me explain that a little. This is overly simplistic, but let’s use a picture of walking a path through the wilderness to explain spiritual progression. Young souls just kinda wander. They pick things up along the way but have no idea where they are going or how to get there. They see cues like fences and signs but don’t know that they mean anything, and thus continue wandering. In time they start to make a connection that fences and signs might mean something, but it’s like they can’t read them. So through trial and error, they occasionally follow them, but still do a lot of wandering. As we continue to grow and learn, we know that those fences and signs mean we’ve either wandered off course (fences) or need to make a course correction (signs). So we pay attention to those outside cues and get a lot closer to our destinations. Over many lifetimes, we learn to read more subtle signs, like the stars, or even a gps that keeps us on track for a lot of our path. We’re allowed to wander, but know how to get back on track. The final stage is where you don’t need any of those external cues at all, but you have an internal guidance system similar to animal navigation that allows you to walk blindfolded if necessary and get exactly where you want to go.
So, using this analogy, religion is external. It provides fences and signs to help you figure out where to go. It can be very helpful to people who are learning to find their inner navigation system. But they point out set ways of going. A fence or sign doesn’t make adjustments for your own particular needs or desires in life. That can only come through your own guidance. Thus, if you have learned to follow your own guidance, and then revert to following signs and fences, you can actually end up farther off your path than if you hadn’t relied on them. Thus, there comes a point where some (but I’m not going to say all) religions and spiritual leaders can be a hindrence. That is what I worry about with Carrie, and why I am so particular with teachers myself.
Right now, this isn’t a bad situation, but I remain cautious. Their message isn’t for me. It does not provide me comfort, but it does comfort Carrie, and that’s ok. They are still nice people, and I will be neighborly and nice, just like everyone else. It’s a good exercise in learning to not fear or expect the worst. At the very least, I was able to explain some ideas that have been at the tip of my tongue for a while that I just hadn’t completely put into words. Now it’s time to work on work stuff and ignore the storm that just might be passing. (literally and figuratively lol)April 30, 2009 at 4:26 am #151064JaxKeymaster
I don’t want to forget this, so I’m posting here quick before bed – though ambien is kicking in, so typos can be blamed on that. lol
The past couple days have given me opportunities to see growth, and to see where I need to grow more.
Yesterday, at 4:30pm, my friend who was going to be a student for my go for cert run had to cancel because of a doctor’s appointment. I didn’t get mad, and I didn’t find a way to be passive aggressive to make her feel bad. I stayed pretty neutral and worked on staying in that space. I stayed pretty calm and just emailed the group and found another student at the last minute (the class itself ran at noon today, so very little time to scramble). And it all worked out ok. So the positive is I stayed calm and just went with it, no panic.
Carrie fell and hit her head on the door at 4am. It took a long time to get her up and going, and to do so safely since her neck cracked or popped. Then I realized she didn’t have any cigarettes, and that’s where I lost my temper. It’s a sore spot with me, since I’m always spending money and time getting these damn things that just make us both sick. But at the same time, quitting for her is more complicated than with most other people, and that’s why I allow it to continue. I’m pretty sure it’s part of the reason my lungs are a little phlegmy. But I’m taking mucinex to keep that mucus from sitting in my lungs, and thus keeping myself healthy.
I think there was another example, but I’m tired and need to go to bed now.May 27, 2009 at 1:43 am #151316JaxKeymaster
For those not following my blog (don’t blame you if you aren’t lol) I could do a quick update. Mostly I’ve been working on this survival thing. I had to work a lot of extra hours after normal work hours to catch up some assignments at work. Now that those are done, I have a bit more time on my hands, but still plenty to do.
I bought EA Active for the Wii. I did one workout and was sore for 5 days! Tonight was the first night I could safely workout again, but ran out of time due to other time constraints. So tomorrow for sure! I’m also going to do some situps and pushups tonight so I’m not doing nothing.
I’m still half-ass following the south beach diet. I’ve lost some weight, though I don’t know how much because I don’t know where the scale is. I just know my clothes fit better. Today someone even asked me if I was losing weight, so that’s cool. I feel lighter, which probably has to do with my state of mind as well.
I’ve been working on facing my fears regarding my wife’s health and always possible death. I blog about this occasionally because I need to work on expressing it. Also I think that most people have no idea what it means to be a caregiver, so hopefully I can help with that problem. It’s a long process, but I’m seeing some improvement.
I’m reading Neale Donald Walsch’s newest book, When Everything Changes, Change Everything. I’m still waiting for that key bit that I haven’t been doing. It might just be a matter of connecting dots in a new way that I hadn’t tried before. I’m going to read some tonight since I need to work on getting to bed earlier. I’m waking up with a hangover due to the valerian and ambien I take, so if I take it earlier I think that will go away.
I’ve started a slightly different schedule that’s reduced my stress as well. I get up early enough to make it to work by 8, then come home for my lunch hour, and then get back to work. Sounds simple, but it allows me to make sure Carrie ate, help her to the bathroom and refill her drinks if necessary. It also gives me a break from work. So far it’s working well. I think it reduces the stress on both of us actually.
So that’s where I’m at. I really need to get back to the research I need to tweak Personal 102. The intro course is wrapping up nicely, so that needs to be the priority. Sometimes I just forget. lolMay 27, 2009 at 2:22 am #151322Jedi_PhoenixModerator
You always have so much on your plate, yet I give you props and the intro course is looking great! (though many people are to thank for that)
:meditateMay 28, 2009 at 2:02 am #151336JaxKeymaster
Phoenix and I are working as a little training team to do just a minute of exercise each night. We do situps and pushups. While it’s a small thing, it’s impossible to find excuses not to do just one minute of exercise, so we’re building slowly. It’s real helpful to have someone remind you to do it, so maybe we’ll succeed at this.
Last night: 20 situps, 10 pushups
Tonight: 25 situps, 12 pushups
The goal is to push enough to build muscle, but not enough that we’re too sore the next day to do them.
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