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    Thanks. I’m very tapped into my genre’s community, and while that does occasionally happen, in a small niche people are usually good about getting the real copies. And I’m very easily reached so I would hope people reach out to me. I’m sorry about your friend though. That really sucks.


    He is a great teacher and I would normally recommend his books on learning how to do things estoteric related. He is a teacher that has SAFETY first. He needs the money, too. But, until this is straightened out and he gets royalties, no.


    If he’s on amazon it shouldn’t be an issue. Especially if he only puts it up on kindle, and not in print. Feel free to send me an email about this.


    I’m going to do my best to do a quick summary so I can release some of the heaviness I hold around all the responsibilities I can’t meet.

    Life is ***ing hard. Everytime I expect it to get easier, it doesn’t. And yet, my guides keep telling me to have faith. This is what I call spiritual graduate school, and I’m definitely not doing well. However I’m learning a lot.

    After 3.5 years of self employment and not seeing success (not even enough to pay the bills) I’m burnt out, stressed out, and scared. What I’ve discovered is that, where some people do well with some pushing, I shut down. I can’t be pushed any more and even a hint of pressure shuts me down. It’s so crazy to me, but it is what it is.

    So what helps? First, I read a book called The Willpower Instinct which helps. To know I only need 5 minutes of meditation. 5 minutes of movement. That’s enough to reduce burnout and rebuild a little willpower to do the things necessary to move forward.

    And it helps. Except when stress kicks so high that I can’t make the right choices and spiral again. You know, I thought I’d faced my darkness before. I’d only scratched the surface. On the plus side, I am not drawn to drugs or alcohol so I haven’t done anything permanently damaging. I’m just not doing what I need to do because it’s all too much.

    I’m learning so much about myself, about motivation, I’m going to have a lot to share someday. Hopefully someday soon! There is always a part of me looking at how I can turn this into a lesson for others. And when I come through this I’m going to be able to give back in ways I never had before.

    I wish I had someone who could help me do the things I need to every day. To remind me, hell to sit on skype if necessary and we meditate together. But everyone I know is struggling. And it passes off accountability on others, or something like that according to my business coach (who is amazing but also frustrating sometimes lol).

    There are bright spots though. My writing career is going reasonably well. I’m about to publish my 4th novel. 4! And there’s a co-written book to edit after this one so hopefully that will release in 2 months roughly. That will be a nice little cash infusion. I’m helping people with my books too. Helping them discover that they might be autistic. Or asexual. Or that someone they love is and they understand them better now. I even taught people how to meditate in my first book! I’m still learning how to translate telling stories within romance to telling stories in teaching or selling solar, but I’ll get there. It’s also funny that I have very little impostor syndrome with writing. I promote my stuff with minimal issues. I’m my most confident with writing, which is amazing since I only started 2 years ago. Why? And why can’t that pay my bills since I’m damn good at it? Life is strange.

    I continue to undergo intense spiritual exploration as I try to heal from soul wounds that I’ve carried my entire life. I’m studying Brene Brown’s material which is absolutely amazing and something I want to incorporate into a future Personal course since it’s so fundamental to understanding and accepting ourselves. But first I have to put it all into practice.

    Sometimes I miss the job that didn’t fulfill me because I was paid a salary and could fit in time to work on Jedi stuff on the clock. I’m sorry that I’m unable to do more here. I’m not forgetting the path, this academy, or the long term goal of an offline temple. It’s just taking longer than I hoped.

    If anyone has managed to read this, congrats. ;-) If you want to know the ins and outs of why things are hard, you can ask, but that would take even longer and I really need to work on my edits and take the trash out. Very exciting times. :-)

    As I’m reminded of almost every day when I see the time 12:34 on a clock: Just keep swimming. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. It’s all worth it in the end.


    As You said, many of us experience the same or at least similar things these days, so the only thing I can say is to hang in there, keep swimming as You said and should You ever need someone to talk to or reach out, don’t hesitate to do so and contact me.


    Today I took my first dose of Ritalin, at 41 years old. Because no one knew, and still most people don’t know what ADHD looks like because brains are hidden. Thoughts are hidden. And ‘experts’ rarely have ADHD themselves so especially don’t know.

    I spent my entire life not knowing I had ADHD. Struggling to focus and believing the bs that it was my own fault. I needed more willpower. More discipline. To want to do whatever I couldn’t more.

    No. What I needed was medication.

    One dose of medication and I knew the moment it hit my brain. I felt a little buzzing in my head and then thought, I need to work.

    I texted a potential client. I finished his presentation. I worked on the other presentation I’d struggled with. I got so much done in an hour and a half it blew me away.

    All my struggles for all these years weren’t a character defect. I was just fighting my brain.

    I feel like I have a new chance at life. I tried everything naturally. All I needed was a tiny pill. I’ll still do all the natural stuff, because that’s important for so many ways. But medication is not evil. Medication can mean the difference between success and failure in life.

    If you struggle to focus, reach out. Or just check out the youtube channel How to ADHD. If it resonates, talk to a doctor. Maybe you don’t have ADHD, but if you do… there might be another option for you.


    That was my facebook post five minutes ago. I’m going to expand here. So, the first dose took about 45 minutes to kick in. I was worried it wasn’t going to work because the psych said 15-20. Yet another thing the psych doc didn’t know. Along with not knowing the impact his words have on someone who’s made themselves wrong for struggling for 41 years.

    I’m not inattentive by choice. I’m not disorganized by choice. Fuck that guy. But he gave me meds, and for that I’m grateful. I also know I’m not talking to the VA about my stress or anything else because fuck that guy. I can’t be vulnerable with him. And trying to get him to understand me was exhausting. Hell, I’ll say it again. Fuck that guy.

    But thanks to that guy, I have my life back. Our guides asked how I felt. They wanted to know what I was focusing on. And that’s the best part. I immediately wanted to work on solar. Not talk to people, well a little of that while I waited on my computer to stop locking up. But then I got to work. I even though, I should tell Nicole how awesome Ritalin is. And then I stopped because it wasn’t what I was working on. Instead I told her when I took a bathroom break.

    Seriously, this is life changing. I’m super fidgety right now, but that should go away as my body gets used to the hard upper affect. Even if it doesn’t go completely away, I don’t care. My brain works again! I can’t hardly type fast enough. And boy was I talking fast. Like, faster than every before in my life. It was funny, only because I know it won’t last.

    I’m still going to do karate. Oh wait, I didn’t talk about that yet! Shit… okay. (Note, I’m getting in the habit of typing okay so I don’t have so many edits to make in my manuscripts. Ok is apparently text speak and not allowed in a novel. Lesson learned, or in progress.)

    See, thanks to Ritalin I can go on tangents and regain my thread, where before I’d be lost now. hehe

    So, Wednesday I had this realization. I need to exercise. I need to exercise hard enough to get my blood flowing and to feel like it was worth it. But how to do that without endurance? Running kicks my ass and hurts my joints until I can see chiro and physio consistently. I can’t swim enough to do laps or anything that turns floating in the lazy river into fitness. Walking isn’t good enough either.

    Then it hit me. Karate. I trained in American Karate from 8-18. I earned my black belt at 13 and taught and training both for those last five years. I know karate. I also know how to control my intensity. I was going to wait until today to start, thinking I needed to ease into it. But my body said, hey, don’t tease us! Within a few hours my body was warm with energy and I had to move.

    Our basement is partially finished. I moved Melody’s drums over, and will need to do more tomorrow so there’s more room. Then I vacuumed and started working through the basics while listening to Linkin Park because quiet didn’t feel right.

    My body remembers. Those basics are almost as solid as when I was 18. Countless hours of repetition also means that followed my first style, not Shotokan which I studied for 3 years or so.

    I practiced for probably a half hour or so after getting warmed up. I got my heart beating. I felt strong. I felt competent. I felt like myself again. Truly found myself.

    And then, because why not, I played drums quietly.

    This is what is possible when I remember what works for me. And it’s what happens when I don’t have to work constantly. Now that the Ritalin is helping, it should be even easier to make time for exercise.

    Tomorrow, Melody and I train together. We’ll start with soccer, then have lunch/McDonalds play time. Then after some rest we’ll start her very first karate lesson on the physical plane. Her uniform fits well enough, though she’s still so skinny I have to cinch it tight. I don’t have a uniform that fits unfortunately, but I’ll work on it.

    My plan, after googling how to teach technique to 5 year olds, is to teach her the basics, then let her go fast. It will probably take months to years for her to get it, but I’ll be teaching her how to use her elbows and knees, just as I was taught. We’ll have fun, and when she’s done, I’ll get my workout in.

    Oh, and that physical plane comment? Apparently I’ve been teaching her on the astral for quite some time, though I’m not aware of it. So not long ago, when she started doing karate for fun around me I knew she was ready.

    We’ve already started, though she doesn’t know. I taught her to take her uniform off one piece at a time, folding each of them. I don’t expect her to do it by herself, but knowing from day one to respect her uniform will help.

    Anyway… it’s been a big week. I look forward to the next one for the first time in ages.


    Just a quick update. While I had good momentum at first, I had a project come up that took an immense amount of time from me. My current project is located 2 hours from my house. I’m learning a lot, but it’s taking a ton of time.

    One of the benefits, however, is that I’m up on a beautiful mountain for hours. On my way back I spent a good half hour or so sitting on a rock in the Big Thompson river, working on my new novel which is taking prior characters I’ve written and reincarnating them. In that process I’m working on my own spiritual development while teaching people what I know, all without them knowing how real it is, in my experience. 🙂

    This past weekend I made my own pendulum from a piece of granite and mica I found at the river. It’s really nice and much more my style than a polished and cut crystal. A few weeks back I took my first class from a teacher. She taught us how to use pendulums and I finally feel I can trust it as a tool. I look forward to using it more and learning more. Hopefully I can teach a short class for you all one of these days.

    I’m doing my best to be more present here, but now it is bed time. Long days ahead of me. So the rest of my quick summary. I’ve lost more than 10 pounds in the past two months. I’m working on sustainable changes, and there’s definitely room for improvement, but I like that I feel a bit better already. I’m opening up spiritually as well. And I got a really cool tattoo that is meant as a constant reminder for my path. I’ll have to do a full writeup another day because it’s bed time. 😉

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