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    Day 4 – Finding the power

    Goal: Awakening and cultivating my inner power and motivation, editing my past to become a success story
    Planned means: Write the story of you and your past as a positive, inspiring and empowering success story. Do some visualization exercises about the present moment as an infinite source of infinite possibilities and about yourself as a motivated and a strong person. Do some form of tai chi or chi kung.

    The journey

    Dreaming: I had a dream in which I was at school (yes, again), this time completing some courses. The English exam was easy and I passed it quickly and with an absolute certainty, reaching the best possible score. I believe it was the third course of high school, which means it was a repetition for me (my own level was seven), but this piece of cake success actually gave me a good feeling and the drive to complete other courses, other subjects included.

    Interpretation: The third level represents what I’m doing now with this week – utilizing basic techniques successfully and effortlessly. I am actually capable to do level 6 rather well, whatever that is (as 7 is what I’m studying, according to the dream), which is twice more advanced and challenging than that easy and effortless third level. Utilizing mental skills like I’ve done with this week is my forte, hands down, and I realized I actually have a wide range of different techniques that I can utilize whenever I need (as seen throughout this week). Physical and spiritual levels don’t match it, they don’t get even close, but I’m working on them, and this can be seen as being inspired to complete other courses in my dream.

    – – –

    Meditated for 30 minutes in the morning because I felt like it but skipped evening meditation because more interesting stuff came along and when I finally finished it was way past my bed time, so I made a decision to catch my sleep instead.

    I wrote my story and it actually became quite nice. It contains my path to where I am now included with the various things I’ve experienced and learnt, starting from my natural talents to the things I’ve taught myself and the various topics I’ve touched along the way. It’s like I have this huge network of information and pieces of knowledge, and even when I don’t know that much about many of them, I have some level of understanding so that I know which string to pull if I need that information. I have a starting point and some basics for many things if I ever have the need to start exploring further, and this directly correlates with my excellent ability to make quick connections with different information clusters, thus enabling me to learn things quickly and efficiently – I utilize the whole network and build knowledge upon knowledge. Just how cool is that? Just think about all the areas of formal education I’ve been participating – high school, health and social care, information technology, marketing and social media – now that’s a lot of stuff and rather respectable, even if I say so myself. No wonder I excel at many things, starting from the ability to manage projects that require multitasking and many different kinds of intelligence (hey, the camps are one of the best examples I can come up with; creating stuff from nothing, building and following schedules, organizing different parts, having a clear understanding of the big picture, utilizing social and emotional skills and adapting to changes and improvising when needed with an immense speed, to mention a few). See? I’m boasting again, and actually feeling happy about it – this IS realistic. This is what I really am capable of. I’m proud of myself, and I haven’t said that for a couple of years, I believe, so I state it again: I’m proud of all my achievements, for they are multiple and an excellent start for a lifelong journey of more achievements and beaten challenges.

    What I wrote just now probably turned out better than the story I originally wrote, but what the heck, that means I actually bought my own story better than I imagined! Haha

    One thing I once again noticed when looking back is that I’ve been a Jedi for 14 frigging years. Now that is a LONG time. It seriously might be the time to start giving back to the community that most probably saved my life back then (no kidding here). Who knows, perhaps I’ll even end up finishing a certain Force course? :P

    – – –

    So, I had fun writing the story. I ironed even more sheets and actually figured out ways to improve in it. Can you imagine? There is a bunch to be learnt even by doing the most mundane of tasks. Now that’s a neat lesson right here, lads. Don’t do like me and actually try to remember it for more than ten minutes. Anyway, I didn’t do much other things this day, except stress about one certain thing that ended up taking a lot of my time and thus time passed and it was already getting late and I wasn’t feeling up to anything and suddenly it got like ten in the evening and I was like, ”You gonna make it today too or not?”, and I decided, ”Whether I make it or not, I’m going to give it my all, anyway”, and so I did.

    – – –

    I tried the visualization exercise I got yesterday from Yours Truly – sit down, close your eyes, see the living image of yourself before your eyes and fall in love with it. I actually didn’t expect that duplicate to act like me, but it did, which actually amused me more than I care to admit. The postures, the gestures, the attitude. That was actually what made it click for me; I couldn’t help but to love that person in all their beauty, stupidity and gorgeousness. I’m gonna cut some corners here and say that I ended up becoming my best friend and feeling that I am important, that I matter, that I want to do everything I can for this divine being that I am, and that as a divine being I deserve gorgeousness and all kinds of awesome things, and I’d definitely help that person on their personal journey towards infinite greatness and glory. I walked into that image and made it fit so perfectly that each cell of us became one, and thus did I receive all the good energy I just put forth. To make it perfectly sure to all participants I complimented myself a bit more and declared to do everything in my power to help me reach for the stars, or whatever it might be I’d be totally into reaching for at any given time. After I had finished I was feeling good, content and trusting. Reassured, somehow. It was a nice and calm feeling.

    – – –

    I then kept sitting for a while, asking for teachers, easily recognizable possibilities and courage into my life, after which I figured it was time for my daily meditation number two. I wasn’t entirely sure whether I had reached my goals to find motivation and inner power but didn’t really care that much anymore, I’d already done well and was feeling content anyway. But then, out of nowhere, I felt that same energy I got in touch with a couple of days before – that primal life force in my stomach – and remembered a lesson I learnt this week about how to make tangible change in life: by utilizing Will, Speech and Action at the same time. I didn’t do anything yet but that energy seemed to demand my attention. It started pulsating, spreading, and I remembered having felt that before, ages ago, during some of my most powerful rituals. At that point I started working with it. I let it grow and felt it moving around my body. I’ve felt the Force before, of course, but this stuff was different. It’s like the upgraded version or something, compared to how I’ve usually experienced it. I’m not even sure it was entirely the same thing. This was somehow… I don’t know. Anyway, I then started talking to it, utilizing Will, Speech and Action to make it stronger. And it did, like I had added gasoline to the flame. You know, it feels interesting, when you Will something. It’s like some indescribable mental effort, when your attention becomes more focused and your energy rises and you almost start trembling because of the strain. It’s amazing, and seems that to become good at doing that I need practice (oh, really?).

    I then Willed that power to move to my root chakra to open, cleanse and balance it. The last time I’ve felt something so strong was when Aila did some energy work on me, and she is strong when it comes to these things. After a while I moved up, doing the same process with each chakra, connecting each chakra to the ones below it, and finished up with a beautifully working, powerful energy system. I’ve done chakra work before, but this was way more awesome and powerful, the end result included. The energy was flowing everywhere! Even on top of my skin! And even in places that I never directed any energy to! Looks like I got the circuit working properly (or very close to that) for the first time in my life. I can’t even describe the difference between my previous experiences and this one, other than it was HUGE. Way cool!

    After I was done I returned the energy to my center and balanced it out, and gave it a mission for the coming night: without disturbing my sleep, make my body stronger. Fix what needs to be fixed, and strengthen the bones, ligaments, organs, veins, lymphatic system, muscles and skin. Why not put the accumulated energy in good use? :P

    Oh, and I did feel more alive after that. Like some sense opened up and I became more alert and aware. I can’t believe I keep exceeding my expectations every day. You know, I’m really getting into this ”put effort into it and reap the results” thingy. ;)


    You know, if I kept going like this for a week more, what would become possible then? Or a month? Or even longer?

    I’m really happy I decided to document this process. Now I have something concrete to fall back into when I need some reassurance and reminders about how to keep up the epic work. This has been the best week of this year for me, hands down. I’m super grateful for myself for putting myself through this. ^^


    Day 5 – Action and reflection

    Goal: Direct the power to action, aspire to have a dynamic and progressive day, reflect upon the things learnt until now during the week
    Planned means: Do things, go outside, stretch, do an energy meditation while standing, think about what you’ve accomplished during this week. Smile, laugh, sing a lot.

    The journey

    Morning meditation for 20 minutes. Had some raging monkey inside my head, but I have to admit that meditation (even after such a long pause) is pure bliss compared to what it was like years ago. I’ve suddenly found this incredible perseverance and patience within that helps me to let go again and again and again and refocus again and again and again without having a mental breakdown. I guess a big difference has been that I’ve been just sitting. Sitting, being, not really trying to achieve anything (I excel at doing that even when I convince myself that I’m not). Just being, breathing. Most of the time it’s been enough to just sit and be, but sometimes I give my brain a little toy to make it happy by… wait for it… concentrating on my breathing. That’s right! And guess what? It actually is enough. I’ve found some new stage of directing focus or something as I can make most of the ruckus disappear just by doing that. I’m not pushing anything away or pretending it doesn’t exist. I just, well, mostly I just do nothing and if I do I simply focus on something else. Looks like I’ve gotten the gist of it. I’m actually starting to suspect that I’ve been capable of all the stuff I’ve experienced during the week for much longer, but kind of got the proof just now as I decided to reach for my old chest of tools in the attic, wipe the dust covering it and once again experience the magic inside.

    – – –

    The day’s been a dynamic one according to my goals. I’ve been doing the dishes, organizing my wardrobe (finally!) and even tried out a new recipe after stumbling on it on my Facebook feed (thanks, Buddhist Chef! I love those vegan delicacies) – which turned out to be marvellous. I’m fed up with how I eat, so that gave me the spark to once again broaden my horizons a bit more to keep things interesting (cuz no matter what I do or say, that’s how I like ’em). I even went jogging today, which I haven’t done this week, and it was just plain awesome. After calibrating my heart rate monitor with the right settings and figuring out the best heart rate zones for my goals, jogging got a lot more enjoyable. That’s right, I’ve been running too fast. I’m now going slower than I normally walk, but that’s cool. After giving it a try a couple of times and feeling frustrated because I moved so slowly, now I was totally happy about it as instead of running out of energy and breath soon I was able to run a lot longer. And that’s what I’m aiming for. Never mind the kilometres, they’ll come as I keep going.

    Hmm, after taking another look at the stats of today I must say that while the speed went down, it didn’t go down that much after all (I was slow to begin with! Haha), but – and here’s the cool part – I ran for 48 minutes and over 4 kilometres, and it felt rather easy! I was supposed to run a minimum of 30 minutes but ended up doing a tad longer because I felt like it. I’m comparing this to my second longest run, which was 3,8 kilometres in 38 minutes and the last fifteen minutes felt more than a bit unpleasant. See? I’m making progress as I successfully utilize my brain and with it optimize my training methods. Lol

    Aaaand I finally ironed all my sheets, had to do it in several parts to avoid a nervous breakdown. Just how much stuff do I have?! Phew, I’m glad I finished it. Never again (until the next time, of course…). I also did a lot of odd tasks that were just waiting to be done.

    – – –

    And what have I learnt? It sort of feels strange to make such an evaluation now, but I guess it’s not that bad as I tend to start forgetting things unless I actively process them, so yeah, let’s do this.

    As an overview I have to say that things were rather messed up before this week. Due to inactive and aimless living the way I saw myself was negative and unrealistic. I wasn’t in touch with myself. The main change happened on Tuesday after rekindling love towards myself and life – I’m really glad that was the first day after the analysis of the current situation!

    Day 1: I was expecting a rather negative overall view on my life, but it was even worse than that. This very strongly got the point through that something was wrong. Good things I did that day was analyzing how I spend my money and writing a list about things that bring or take energy – and that list actually revealed that many of the things that take away energy were a direct consequence of not doing things and being inactive (things piling up, stress, irregularity to name a few). I got a concrete reminder that if things don’t work and I’m betrayed by my own brain, all I have to do is sit down and ask for a little help. I also discovered a couple of forces in action in my life that were not in balance.

    Day 2: Ohh that was a juicy day! I got an excellent reminder of how many of the things I’m used to think to be sure and obvious are wrong and/or limited when my view about love became a lot wider. I found this life force inside and destroyed many hazy thought distortions and emotional weirdnesses simply by relearning the art of loving. This skill gets better by practicing it and combined with letting go it works wonders for aiding in finding the balance.

    Day 3: By observing my thoughts many equivocal and defective things surfaced. If something isn’t working, observing one’s brain functions regarding the subject is an excellent way to reveal what’s wrong. And when the ”what” is found, instead of strongly focusing on ”why” it’s better to approach the subject with yet another ”what” question – ”what can I do about this?” – as it leads towards progress way better than wallowing in misery for having such stupid thought patterns. I made many good observations, the most important being the lack of self-respect and appreciation, how intent and focus affect mood, how beliefs affect success and the importance of getting back in touch with my body and its needs.

    Day 4: An excellent reminder of how one’s perspective affects, well, EVERYTHING. I wrote my own success story and got a good deal out of it. Taking a positive perspective brought to mind all the achievements and teachings I’ve collected during the years. Thou shalt not forget thy own greatness! I brought back my appreciation towards myself and intuitively learnt to utilize will to direct the Force way more effectively than before. Never in my life I’ve felt myself doing something so powerful. That was insane.

    All in all the best thing is that I didn’t give up at any point. Instead, I’ve reached all my goals and started to enjoy doing things, as the results are so instant and so cool that it really encourages me to keep going to experience even more awesomeness.

    I’ve been smiling a lot too, and the main focus today has indeed been doing different things. Physical activity is good. While I didn’t utilize all my planned means I still reached my goals, which is way more important to me. :)

    – – –

    Fun fact of the day: as the mantra of the first morning didn’t work out as I wanted it to, I found something totally awesome to replace it for the next morning. I requested an excellent and motivating song to start my days with and got what I asked for. Guess what it was?

    A song from Mulan :D
    Mulan – I’ll Make A Man Out Of You


    Day 6 – Enjoy life and plan for the future

    Goal: Start making plans for next week, ponder your relationship to others, do things you usually don’t, break patterns, set intentions
    Planned means: Profuse expression and experiencing of aesthetics and luxury, observing the flow of life and enjoying it, a meditation about how to deal with people as myself without fears and trying to be socially correct, using my will to set intentions, map out what things bring me enjoyment. Use these means to help planning the future.

    A note about socially correct behaviour: I want to trash it because I don’t want to let such a thing limit myself. I’d rather do what I want and what feels right regarding how acceptable that is to others. What feels right to me has nothing to do with hurting others, anyway, and by going by what I think is an acceptable way to behave, I end up harming myself. An example would be that if somebody says something to me that I strongly dislike I might still end up not announcing this, because I try to avoid conflicts and keep social situations easy, nice and pleasant. That is totally not the way to go! What comes from the true self and is in line with intuition is ten times better when implemented compared to a setting that only seeks acceptance.

    The journey

    I spent the morning cleaning the apartment, even the nasty things I’d rather avoid doing. Heck, I even cleaned the vacuum cleaner (and damn good I finally did it). Now this place looks awesome and I feel happy. I’ve been doing a bit every day so the finish up wasn’t such a big deal. It wasn’t even that cluttered or anything to begin with, but there are always things that could use some attention.

    – – –

    I then took a pen and a notebook and mindmapped my thoughts about enjoyment and pleasure. I found a great many things I (really) enjoy doing, and even more after I realized that they don’t have to be things I enjoy doing continuously and all the time – it’s fine if it’s even every now and then, as long as I enjoy it.

    My list contains things like these:

    [li]Aesthetics. This is a big part of my life. It includes stuff like music, arts (mainly by myself – I enjoy drawing and painting occasionally), appearance (to contrast the black gothic style I enjoy a variety of hippie stuff nowadays, and it brings a ton of strong colours to the mix), make-up (I rarely do this, and when I do, it’s when I’m attending an event and then it’s the bold and flashy version), nature, flow arts (mainly watching, but I really want to do them myself too at some point) and home decoration (nothing big and fancy, but a bit of something that I really enjoy looking and that makes me feel good). Basically, I like things that look and sound good.

    [li]Self-development. This is yet another big part of my life and an everlasting passion, too. I just can’t live without it (I’ve tried to ignore it, but then end up doing something about myself anyway). I really enjoy the process of finding connection and strengthening balance as well as discovering new things. I could add magic to this category, too, as it is a form of self-development for me. It is also heavily linked with aesthetics.[/li]

    [li]Breaking taboos. No matter what I feel the strongest resistance and dislike towards, I end up exploring at some point. Usually I incorporate some parts of these journeys into myself and become stronger, more wholesome and open-minded as a result. A part of me still enjoys shocking people by choosing the roads not many dare to travel (or find unacceptable to travel), and to my knowledge I actually draw a decent number of minority cards as a result. Some of the cards I can’t choose, like my gender or orientation, but some are a result of exploring whatever has interested me at any point. I find this to be a smart practice as I am still somewhat stuck on the concept of duality (to my amusement), and by doing things that are not acceptable to myself or others I keep breaking this view of mine. Oh, and I live by some kind of a ”harm none” code, which naturally includes myself. Some taboos I choose not to deal with because of their consequences that will limit the choices I can make in the future (like the world of drugs, for example). This includes keeping on breaking out of my own barriers (”I am this, I am not that, I can’t do that”).[/li]

    [li]Food. I love food. Sometimes I feel like I live for eating. I also enjoy cooking though my laziness tends to make it more like ”quickly preparing something”. When I do cook, though, I make some darn good food, and thanks to my extensive research on various diets and being on many of them I can create amazing things that almost everybody can enjoy – a skill I utilize every time I go cooking for a camp. I actually finally learnt gluten free baking two weeks ago at a camp because I had to. I never bake anything for myself and since I wasn’t the only one who can’t eat gluten I was forced to try out some new recipes. I nailed each and every one of them. I was so happy to get amazing things made by me![/li]

    [li]Exercise. A growing trend in my life, it seems, aiming to become a permanent part of it. I’m so grateful for Aila for teaching me how running works. I don’t like the thought of exercise but I like the feeling I get afterwards and increasingly I also enjoy exercising. I love yoga, martial arts, dancing, running.[/li]

    [li]Social situations. At least some of them, at least every once in a while. I enjoy deep discussions, having fun, closeness and romance, teaching and learning. Also Protu – it gets tiresome every now and then, but still the people in Protu are generally awesome.[/li]

    [li]Versatility. I need things to change every now and then to stay happy (and give me the kicks to move forward myself). I tend to slip quickly into boredom if I don’t have enough interesting activities, so variety is a must. Also, active life goes in this list for the very same reasons.[/li]
    And what do I do with this list? I dunno, try to insert more of those things in my life, I guess. We’ll see.

    – – –

    I was supposed to enjoy the flow of life today but somehow I slipped out of that flow during this day. I haven’t been feeling that sharp and my mood’s been pretty average and I haven’t done anything to improve that. I ended up spending time on the computer even though I wasn’t supposed to and actually didn’t feel like doing much. And I didn’t. Well, I took a bath in the middle of the day because I figured I’d at least try to break out of that coma. And I did it in style. First I pretended that I was a vampire count (because that’s fun) and then created an awesome bath with candles and scents and started reading a book there. The only thing I was missing was a glass of red wine and some hauntingly beautiful classical music, but I didn’t want either of them so I skipped that part. The book seems very interesting (Gregory Maguire: Wicked) and I enjoyed the first chapters. After the bath I did enjoy music, tea and some focaccia style bread that I created out of some inspiration (delicious!).

    I then did a tarot spread to get some idea about how to be myself in social situations without being bothered by fears or assumed socially correct behaviour. What I got out of it was basically this:

    Practice. Practice often, in different situations. Actively work on your strengths, virtues and courage and use them together. Practice compassion towards yourself, strengthen your intuition and follow it.

    Strengthen your appreciation towards yourself and learn to think so highly of yourself that staying true to yourself and your views becomes more important than trying to keep things nice or acceptable. Stand proudly behind your words and actions, allow yourself to be who you are and put that into action while taking care of your self-respect.

    Don’t be afraid of contradictory opinions, getting into disagreements or showing your emotions. Facing these situations is a part of life.

    Avoid over-analyzing. Don’t be afraid to take risks and challenge yourself. Remember that listening to the voice of reason isn’t always the best option, as it can be distorted by fear or wrong perceptions. Rather, trust your intuition. Remember that things always feel bigger in your own head and that everybody else, too, has their mind revolving around themselves so in the end they’re more focused on themselves than on you. Grow your confidence by doing things you feel uncomfortable about.

    – – –

    So, something like that. I was really tired at that point and thus the interpretation is really basic and self-evident and I don’t like it much, but what is done is done. I haven’t taken a single look towards the future or set any intentions and thus only reached some of my goals, but I’m glad I went through this day anyway. I did get things out of it and most of all remembered to accept that sometimes it just isn’t so great, and it doesn’t have to. Tomorrow’s a new day, after all, and what is still unfinished can be worked on then.

    Kol Drake

    First the pervious post — Great choice of music!

    Now, “socially correct behaviour”
    That to me is ‘holding your pinkies just so as you chew someone’s ass for being stupid’…

    It is good that you realized your ‘down trend’ and did something to halt it if not totally turn it around. Positive steps can help negate negativity.

    Re: Readings
    Sometimes the cards are ‘basic’… they answer what you asked… even if you aren’t thinking straight to think — hey, it DID answer what I asked… only not how *I* wanted it to. Sometimes it’s not all about being cryptic.

    Kol Drake wrote:
    Now, “socially correct behaviour”
    That to me is ‘holding your pinkies just so as you chew someone’s ass for being stupid’…

    😆 I just love that. Nothing more to say about it.

    And yes, I got what I asked for. Sometimes things really are just that simple. I’m actually glad about it. As long as I don’t start getting any “On the third full moon of the year, find a dead crow in a pine forest, dance around it chanting “Klaatu barada nikto”, then fast for seven days and find the Philosopher’s Stone within your soul to find the True Answer” type of advice, I’m more than satisfied, to be honest.


    Day 7 – Wrap it up

    Goal: Reflect upon the past week and the main things you’ve learnt, make a new evaluation of the present moment, practice the art of accepting and loving yourself, finish up the plans for the future
    Planned means: Think about the present moment, let intuition guide you. Meditate, relax and let the revelations of the week come up. Write down your thoughts about the week, solve the rest of the contradictions if any exist and figure out where to go from here. Build a daily routine if you feel so inclined.

    The journey

    Oh, the joy of sleeping late! I was feeling super tired so I got up later and it really did the trick. I guess I’ve actually spent some energy this week. During the morning meditation I noticed that the effortless concentration at the beginning of the week has disappeared and I’m not nearly as present as before, so I had to consciously work on my focus. My zafu, which currently consists of three small pillows, is killing me, and if I intend to keep on meditating I really need to improve it somehow (and myself too) as my legs tend to fall asleep after a while. Sure, sitting for longer periods of time takes time to get used to, and my setting isn’t the worst of all, but I still think I could make it a bit more comfortable. Also, stretch a lot. My whole body is one big muscle jam and I haven’t been stretching this week at all, so, at least I know what I’ll do next week… I also thought about continuing to reach for yesterday’s goals today, as I didn’t really nail them all.

    Reflecting on my relationship to others I soon found entirely pointless. There is no universal formula to determine and predict my behaviour in relationship to others, for every situation and relationship is unique and different. If I want to reflect on that, it needs to be done separately in each situation. Also, there’s no sense in categorizing myself or others like ”social/antisocial”, ”likes/doesn’t like people”, as these just simply don’t apply (well, momentarily in individual situations, at most). Analyzing this won’t take me too far, either, especially beforehand – situations are solved if there is something to be solved, when they come, if they come. So, I’m dropping this entirely and concentrating on living instead.

    – – –

    Using my own power to set intentions: I reached to my core to feel that energy, let it build up a little and using my will I declared my intention to set goals for next week today and then create a good and versatile plan including mind, body and spirit aspects, based on those goals.

    Random thoughts about next week: What I need is continuing and strengthening the things I reached this week. Rinse and repeat, practice makes perfect. It’s time to create a daily routine which includes the best of the elements I utilized during the week. Waking up at 7 and going to bed at 11 worked well, and so did morning meditations. Seems that 20 minutes is pretty much a minimum. I think I’ll crank it up to 30 and hope my legs don’t die in the process. In addition I have to start moving more and follow the plan I have made earlier, so that it won’t be only an intention. Also, stretch, every day. And spend less time on the computer – I started slipping towards the end of the week. If I really want to spend time like that, there’s not much to be gained on social media, so let’s rather read some articles or heck, play a cool game where you get to ponder whether the end justifies the means when saving the galaxy from darkness.

    This week I’ve returned my appreciation and faith on myself by surpassing myself over and over. That’s probably the coolest and most important thing. Now I am back to enjoying life and have reminded myself of what’s really important. I ought to continue observing my thoughts and mental processes and keep on experiencing love and gratefulness daily. One cool thing was that I actually fixed my eating rhythm this week with total ease and started drinking lots of water. As a result I lost 2,5 kg (which makes 5,5 lbs) and feel totally awesome!

    I never really tackled my fears this week, so I’ll definitely do that next week. Find the core belief, POD POC, let go, love, all that stuff. Also ”cleaning” the future as it is cluttered with my reluctance and harmful concepts – there are things coming that I must start feeling excited about (like the international camp, to begin with – yes, I’m in major resistance regarding that one). Might as well explore more secrets of gluten free baking and find a couple of good recipes. And do that budget plan, preferably on Monday!

    – – –

    Basically I’ve been having fun today. I’ve been feeling on top of the world. Like I’ve really accomplished something, and so I have, indeed. I get the feeling that this was an excellent start. It turns out Aila will be away for next week as well, so guess what I’m doing? That’s right, I created yet another program. My tarot cards are so frigging awesome I can’t even begin to describe how awesome they are. The art is stunning and I am in awe every time I go through them. I was afraid whether I’d get anything out of the cards of Minor Arcana, but I do, more than I ever imagined to be possible. Next week is going to be intense. It’s like last week was building strength to survive what’s about to come. If and when I survive this week, and if and when I reach the goals I have planned, well, I have no idea what will be the result. Looking forward to finding out. If you’re interested, I might continue writing a learning diary about it, but there are topics I most likely will be unable to write about, so it probably won’t be as thorough as what I’ve done now. As my next camp cooking starts on Sunday, the plan is for six days. Combine it with the previous seven and we have thirteen. An excellent omen, indeed! lol

    – – –

    I’ve been without coffee and caffeine for a week. I didn’t really intend to, but I never found myself wanting to drink anything else than water or herbal tea. I then drank a cup of black heather tea in the evening and whoa, I got this intense headache and nausea afterwards! I am suspecting it was because of either black tea or caffeine. Well, I really had the plan to create and needed to get rid of that, so I reminded myself of an old tool I used ages ago – the EFT, and tapped away. I quickly got that to a tolerable level and made it almost disappear, which was good enough for me. Just a pure coincidence? I think not.

    – – –

    When planning for the future I naturally looked back on everything I had learnt and found many things I can delve deeper into, and also things I touched only gently or not at all that need more attention in the future. I’m not going to repeat what I’ve learnt, as I’ve done it twice already, but I did reflect on it, believe me. My present moment looks a lot better than the first evaluation I made a week ago. I can’t believe I actually felt that way only a while ago! I could totally erase many of the observations I made back then and replace them with powerful, uplifting and realistic views about myself and my capabilities – which is what I’ve been doing during the week.

    Well done, my good sir. Well done, indeed.


    You know, I’ve been realizing lately that I’ve grown old, conservative and cynical. Not a nice thing to notice. I used to be more fun-loving, carefree, loving, accepting and relaxed. The things I couldn’t understand or relate to didn’t bother me like they do now, and it horrifies me to find some traces of “it’s my way or the highway” type of thinking. Looks like I’ve somehow started to exclude myself from the natural and carefree flow of life, like I’m making more and more barriers between myself and the others, all this while feeling both superior and inferior to everybody else at the same time. What the heck happened? I was much more fun and relaxed a couple of years ago, and I want to go back to that state that I had worked hard on achieving – the natural state of living, allowing, joy, being aware that there are billions of different paths to take in life, each not better or worse than the others, and mine is just one of them. I was fine with being who I was and letting others choose for themselves and allowing them to be who they were. I don’t like this current state, it feels stuck and wrong and heavy. I need to stop taking myself so seriously, do some work with my mind and overall try to have more fun or something. I find myself disapproving of so much stuff that it makes me very uncomfortable – that’s not me and it’s not what I want to do.

    I just read The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac. Aila had borrowed the book and I saw it lying around so I picked it up and decided to give it a read. A nice little story of a time past, when you could still live rather carelessly, choose simple life without grave consequences, travel around America by lifting or jumping in a goods train and sleep on the mountains or in the woods just like that… Soooo much resistance to begin with – the dude being certain of being Buddha, his role so important in life, all while being seemingly irresponsible, avoiding all duties and getting drunk and partying everywhere (I mean, I thought Buddhism was actually somewhat strict when it comes to drinking!). Well, when something arises strong emotions like this book did in me, it’s worth exploring further, so I naturally kept on reading. At some point I noticed that the darned book had woken up in me a desire for freedom, to choose my own destiny, to pack my belongings and travel around the world, to find a circle of boheme friends with whom to drink and discuss dharma at the same time, all while pursuing spiritual goals and seeking enlightenment. I mean, how cool is that? The ability to not give a fuck and do things your way even when it might be shunned by the modern society that values productivity and conforming? I, actually, got a bit jealous. Here I am, stuck in my way of thinking, trying to find a way to adapt and conform to the ways and expectations of the society, only to find it extremely repulsive and ending up dreaming about some bohemely hippie-ish lifestyle. I guess kids like me nowadays have too much time on their hands to actually end up thinking and feeling this way, huh. Wonder if it would be any easier if I thought I had no options and no time to dream about crazy things like independence and freedom.

    I wonder if dharma can be realized with a bottle of red wine, enlightenment achieved by choosing something very different, freedom achieved by not following the rules.

    Well, the book in itself was full of some crazy Buddhist stuff, plenty of irrelevant and weird thoughts, glorious and illuminating hiking in the wilderness, lots of wine, women and song and staying true to yourself. Such a weird read. I’m glad I went through it as I got a couple of good laughs out of it and a good look on my stuck attitudes – I mean, what do I care if some guys had fun while being themselves in the good old 50’s? Time to get unstuck.

    Kol Drake
    If growing up means it would be
    beneath my dignity to climb a tree…
    I’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up, Not me!

    Lyrics by Carolyn Leigh for the musical production of J.M. Barrie’s book Peter Pan

    Here I am, stuck in my way of thinking, trying to find a way to adapt and conform to the ways and expectations of the society, only to find it extremely repulsive and ending up dreaming about some bohemely hippie-ish lifestyle.

    Captain Obvious here:
    You are ‘only’ stuck if you make the decision to ‘be stuck’.
    At any given moment, you have the free will to change — anything — anytime you wish.

    Part of this *is* part of ‘getting old’ — ie. gaining maturity. (and let’s not start in about ‘getting old’ since you are still a spring chicken compared to some… and an old lady to some young punks!)

    I am not knocking maturity. Some of my best imaginary friends act mature. Seriously though, being mature allows us to take responsibility for our own actions and happiness. It gives us the inner fortitude to handle the challenges life throws at us. It greatly facilitates our getting along as adults in society.

    But has growing up for you seemed more about soul-sucking responsibility and drudgery than joy?
    You are not alone. Some know being ‘mature’ means taking on responsibilities and doing things we might not fully embrace — because it has to get done. We have less time to ‘party hearty’ and spend more time recovering from a long day of drudge work to keep that roof over our head and beans in our belly. Ugh.

    BUT, as the good Timelord Doctor in the blue box once said…

    “There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t act a little childish sometimes” ― The Fourth Doctor (Doctor Who)

    So… consider adding a little more of that old… er… younger ‘inner child’ to your life. You can still juggle ‘daily living’ and responsibilities with a little joie de vivre.

    Rekindle your sense of wonder: Make a point of paying attention to the world around you. Look closely at a flower. Study the intricate patterns of a leaf or tree bark. Marvel at the immense power of a storm or the ocean. Started a nature journal so youcancapture some of these experiences. See the world as if it was created NOW… as a child might.

    Reflect on what makes you happy and sad: Tuck a couple of index cards in your pocket, and jot down what makes you happy or sad. As you identify situations or scenarios or activities that lift you up, consciously make more time for them. Inversely, think of ways to minimize what makes you sad or stressed. When you start paying attention to this, you might discover a direct correlation between stress levels and the amount of sleep you get at night. Sleeping well is GOOD.

    Make time for play: Researchers are discovering play is powerful therapy for stress. Think about what play means for you and make time for it. Board games; video games; ‘fun’ movies; skipping down the street… PLAY.

    Be yourself: Of course, this should always be tempered with kindness and thoughtfulness, but don’t keep people guessing about your motives or your opinions. Be a “what you see is what you get” kind of person and, even more importantly, respect and cherish that in others. It takes courage to be yourself. And… heck… you are unique. Share the weirdness! :D

    Try something new: Children aren’t afraid to set out on a new venture, but as we get older, fear of failure can become almost paralyzing. Have you been mean meaning to write a book? Do you want to learn a new language? Become a world class chef? Sew the perfect cosplay costume? Take one baby step towards your goal today. Who knows… you might one day discover your ‘bliss’ and spend the rest of your life being happy!

    Explore: A rut is only a rut if you refuse to climb out of it. Read a book or watch a move in a different genre from your usual fare. Try a new food. Go somewhere within 50 miles you’ve been meaning to visit. Hug a pooka; kiss a fool. Or is it kiss a pooka and hug a fool? Try both???

    * * * * *
    I know these simple things won’t fix all the stress or turn back the biological clock or suddenly turn your frown upside down. BUT, if you give them a chance, you might re-discover some of that old ‘younger you’ you have been missing.

    (And after a large dose of Jack Kerouac, you might want to listen to some Alan Watts lectures to flex that mind of yours in a different direction or give a little whistle with Monty Python.)


    Gaining maturity is good. Being an adult is good, too. Nothing wrong with that, and that’s not what I’m protesting against. For me, adulthood and maturity means both freedom, being capable of taking care of yourself and being responsible enough to take care of your own business your own way without causing too much distress to others. It has nothing to do with being stuck up, boring, conservative or anything like that, not for me, at least. What bothers me is this mindset that, from where I stand now, feels more like the loss of maturity than gaining of it. Of course I get an age crisis a couple of times every year now (gosh, I’m almost 30 soon, have I gotten anywhere in my life?), but that’s just the way it is and an age crisis is an excellent way to give a slap to my brain that tends to get stupid every now and then. Age is irrelevant, and if I play my cards right, it will only keep on getting better.

    Well, I took a two-hour bus ride to Helsinki and went to an amusement park with Aila. Nice rides. I’ve obviously learnt to manage my mental state better than the last time, as I was still pretty comfortable when rising slowly to 75 meters above the city, admiring the view for a couple of seconds and then experiencing a decent free drop (yes, I did scream a bit). Knowing that it would be over quickly did help a lot, but it was an amazing experience nonetheless. Damn, the view was awesome! So was the drop. I’d totally do that again. I’ve also been a bit uncomfortable with the thought of finding myself upside down at some point (no idea how my body would react to that), but as usual, the fear is worse than the experience. Sure got some good kicks out of that trip, though at some point I begun to wonder (again) if I’m getting old, as some of my old favourite roller coasters had definitely lost their ability to make me scream my lungs out only to feel fantastic afterwards. Roller coasters are my all-time favourites! One day I want to visit some really big-ass ones and really end up wondering if I’ll stay alive until the end of the track. It was still a good time, though. One of our friends joined us at one point and we ended up going through all the rides again because of that, which was fun. The day was super tiring and I guess that the hardest part for me during military service will really be being with people all the time – it really wears me out rather efficiently and I simply can’t keep a top mood and performance for too long. Crazy stuff, that. Anyway, glad we took the trip.

    Once again I feel that I have to do some inner work, so I borrowed a couple of books about Buddhism and will do some meditating. I’m a bit confused about my spirituality at the moment – it’s currently really heavily influenced by Buddhism and the Left Hand Path. They both contain elements I can strongly relate to but in general the left hand and right hand paths do have some key differences that I haven’t quite sorted out in my own mixture just yet, so it’s just a bit… weird. Wohoo, spiritual crisis! It’s a weird feeling, the feeling that I’d have to decide something, somehow, even though I know things will progress even without me being completely certain and making a decision one way or another. My set of spirituality has always been a mixture of various things anyway, so the situation in itself is not entirely new, but it’s still somehow different. Well, we’ll see how this one plays out. Probably I’ll once again end up taking a thing here and a thing there, see what works and is fun and discard the rest. I don’t know.

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