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    Red Angel

    I need some advice on coping with loneliness. Specifically — not having a significant-other and sorely wishing that I did.

    Yes —- I know that I should not worry about such outside attachments —- but what I don’t know is how to get the part of my brain that controls emotions to follow this gem of wisdom. I keep being depressed about not having a significant-other — and even more depressed when I think of how long it will be (if ever) till I am with someone.

    Any advice what to do about these emotions? How do I prevent the situation I’m in from causing me to become depressed and ineffective?


    I’m responding to this in a general sense, so others can apply it to their self as well.

    The first step is to stop thinking about how lonely you are.  That’s only adding more negativity and increasing your sense of loneliness.  That means you need to start focusing on other things, since you can’t just stop thinking about something without giving your mind something else to do.  Choose activities that require focus.  Perhaps some puzzles, like sudoku, crosswords, etc.  Don’t just sit around and try to figure this out because that isn’t the way the brain works.  My general rule of thumb is that if you haven’t come up with some solutions or ideas after an hour, then distract yourself completely from the activity.  At that point (actually, earlier probably) your brain isn’t even trying to find a solution anymore, it’s just creating a loop that reinforces your thoughts – and those are not helping you. 

    Until you can distract yourself from this initial line of thought, you won’t get anywhere anyway, so work on that first.  Then you can start working on what it is about yourself that you don’t feel is enough, that you feel the need for someone else to ‘complete’ you so to speak.  When you can enjoy your own company, without any need for others to enjoy life, then you’ll find loneliness has no affect on you.  Then, when someone does come into your life you can simply enjoy them as well, rather than clinging to them. 

    Beral Khan

    I have found that many times lonliness is a symptom of another issue(s).  We often feel incomplete and just simply KNOW that someone else in our life will fill that need.

    It sounds like it may be time for a list.  Making a list of what it is you feel having a significant other will do for you life.

    Many times, you will find that good friends, pets and family are willing to meet most of those needs.

    While there are particular needs that most of us get met from a s/o, the truth is even those needs are often symptoms of other desires.

    So, I ask you to challenge yourself to find out what is truly the motiviation of this desire.  Make that list. See what your motivations are. :)

    Also, if you aren’t taking the class yet, personal 101 is a great way to get to know yourself. :)  That will help you clarify better who you are and what you REALLY want/need in your life.

    Of course, this advice, given freely, may be of no use to you at this time and I also accept that. :)


    I am a loner – never married and have lived alone since 1983.  I enjoy friends, family and in the past a significant other(s) – but I do understand that unease of loneliness.

    What I do when I feel it is to ask myself what it is I lack – or what kind of companionship I am missing.  This is actually really hard to do – but if you can work through it you may find more what you are looking-for in another person.

    It may be more of a friend.  It may be a romantic partner.  It may be a sense of family.

    More often than not it opens the doors to others than selectively closing them.  For me anyway.  Or – I realized I could find with many people seperately what I once thought I needed to find in one person.  i.e. friendship or family feeling.

    Consider what it is you lack – and you will be better able to find what you need.

    At least – that has worked for me.  I do understand the pain of loneliness as well – but it really is a choice so long as we understand what we actually want.

    Best wishes…

    – Asta

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