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  • #139133
    Memnoich
    Participant

    I wrote this as part of my healing process. This is being put here to hopefully help others, but also to try and give some insight. Feel free to respond, but please understand, these are my feelings, and this is still very fresh to me. I will try not to take offense to anything said, but at this time, I cannot promise much.
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    [size=20pt]Attachment[/size]

        We all know that the Jedi frowned upon personal relationships and attachments. After going through what I have for the past 4 months, I can understand why. You see, I’m finishing up a divorce, my divorce, one that came out of nowhere. So I now feel I have a unique understanding, and comprehension of that idea. I hope no one ever has to go through a divorce to understand, so maybe my experience can lend some insight to others.
        You see, 4 months ago my wife came to me talking about how she’s not sure she married me for the right reasons, but couldn’t give me any reason’s for the sudden changes in her, and from there our marriage started going downhill. She started doing things and behaving completely different then I or anybody had known her to act over the last 4 years. This put me in a position to lose my trust in her, because of which I did some things that I’m not proud I did, I started snooping and spying on her. I became obsessed with knowing what she was doing and with whom. My life got put on hold during all of this, all that mattered was fixing our marriage and getting her to come back. Looking back on it now, I’m not sure all of it was about losing her, but mostly about losing the marriage, the relationship, the fear of being alone. I never went too far, but I did end up spending a lot of money, and justifying to myself some of the things I was doing. I did, and still feel, jealousy over her, but it was more, in the blink of an eye, love became obsession, caring became jealousy, I became so dependent on her that I lost my own sense of self, I lost myself to the feelings, and to the pursuit of her, nothing else mattered. This is the perils of Attachment, this is a pitfall to watch out for, and I missed, I fell.
        To try and describe it for you is difficult, we have all lost a loved one, and we have all had someone we know die. That is easier to deal with, then to have that loved one, just leave. To try and help you understand the feelings, think of someone you love dearly, someone very close to you. Now try to imagine the future as you see it, with them as a part of it. Now try and imagine that same future without them in it, try to imagine how you would feel if they walked up to you and said, I want nothing to do with you anymore, no explanation, just that, then they walk away. That was where I was at. My wife and I had so many plans, so many things we wanted to do together, the thought had never occurred to me that she wouldn’t be there in my life 20 years from now, let alone 6 months, and now I was suddenly having to deal with the idea, she would not be a part of my life, her family would not be a part of my life, in just a few short months. I put my heart, and my soul, all of my love into this marriage, and now it was being thrown away. The Family I had grown to love in its own way was now no longer mine, and I was no longer part of it.
      I am now trying to rebuild myself; I am trying to find all the parts of me that got lost in the rage, and jealousy, and obsession, but most of all the depression. I lost myself in those emotions; I gave in to them, and did and said things that I’m not proud of.
        So yes, attachment can lead to the dark side of oneself. It can allow you to justify things that you wouldn’t normally do. It can lead you to losing all sense of self, and become something you never wanted or thought you could be. On the flip-side, having a relationship with detachment is impossible; it would never work without some kind of attachment. I think that’s why the Jedi did allow some forms of relationships, and even marriage. It was allowed to those that knew of the danger, could see the danger, and was believed to be able to control the emotions that would come from that attachment.  I’m not saying avoid relationships, as everyone deserves to feel love. What I’m saying is be aware of the dangers of attachment, the danger of focusing so much of your life on another that you lose the sense of self that makes you who you are.

    #149119
    Jax
    Keymaster

    Memnioch, I’m curious what your current perspective gets from an article I wrote a few years ago about the purpose of relationships.  It’s posted here at http://instituteforjedirealiststudies.org/smf/index.php?topic=24.0

    #149120
    Memnoich
    Participant

    At this point in time Jax, I don’t think I’m ready to analyze my relationship with your article. The pain is still a little to fresh. I will say this though, I don’t think all relationships are about growth or learning some are just because. right now I can’t see anything I learned from this, other then how to deal with the pain of loss. Now you could argue that maybe it was more about the growth of my wife, which it could be, but at that point I would have to call rationalization. No one wants to admit that bad things happen, that some times bad things happen for no reason. It’s easier to deal with the idea that there was a purpose for some one dying, or some one leaving, because the idea that there was no reason for it hurts to much. At this point, any rationalization of what happened between me and my wife just sounds like BS, and truthfully just upsets me. I don’t know how many times I heard from friends and Family, “god only gives us what we can handle” if that’s the case, why is it needed? Do I really need to be tested to my limits? why is that necessary in order for me to grow. I prefer to think that we are responsible for our own choices, then to believe that the Force really wants some people to be miserable just to learn a lesson. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

    #149122
    Jax
    Keymaster

    The challenge in these times are to step back enough to gain perspective.  There is a lot of this going on right now.  Our world is changing, the energy of the Earth is changing, and people are finding themselves inexplicably called elsewhere.  I would bet your wife doesn’t understand it either, just she knows in the depths of her soul that she has to go elsewhere.  That has nothing to do, but everything to do with her soul’s path through this lifetime.  Quite frankly, that sucks for you. 

    You want to understand what happened, you want a chance to fix it, to have some control in this situation.  Most people do.  It just doesn’t seem fair that someone else can just decide it’s over and you are now propelled into a situation you never saw coming.  It will probably be some time before you can see how this benefits you as you need to grieve your loss.  As you said before, you need to grieve this like a death because it is very similar.  Especially in this case where it was sudden and unexpected.  You didn’t have time to prepare.

    My reason for that article isn’t that you see the lessons you learn from this now.  Typically we discover these after the fact once something new comes into our life that wouldn’t be possible without the relationship ending.  Instead it is to remind you of what you already know at the soul level – relationships have their own purpose.  The end when it is time, even when we don’t understand it.  They also come in their own time, often when we don’t expect it.  Allow that inner wisdom to slowly filter to the surface.  It is often our darkest nights that bring our brightest days. 

    Take the time to grieve, work on releasing…well, everything.  Release the attachment to her, to your future life, trust that your soul knows what it’s doing.  It is guiding you just where you need to go, even when you can’t see it.  The more you can relax and trust, the faster you will get there.  Who knows, once you do that you may find your wife returning to your life.  I’ve seen it a few times this year.  As people change and grow and do what their soul needed they return to their spouse and they are both much better for it.  Of course, that isn’t always the case, and you won’t know until you release your grip on your plans.  Accept now, embrace now.  Grieve and begin to focus on you alone and not you and her.  You will begin to see the sun over the horizon before long.

    *big hug*  I’ll try to post a grieving ceremony for those going through a relationship ending tonight as I need to get to work.  But I didn’t want to leave you without some further thoughts.

    #149125
    Memnoich
    Participant

      While I think there are lessons to be learned in all aspects of life, I don’t think those lessons are always the reason for changes. The Idea that I have no control over my life never sat well with me. What is the point of living if I have no choice in how I live? I know some people like to rationalize why certain things happen because it’s easier to believe that there is a reason, a plan, for it, then to believe that someone just left. Like in the Terminator movies, the way I feel about all of this is simple. There is a plan, but its more vague. The war with the robots was going to happen, John Conner was going to be the leader of the resistance, and he was going to be with his wife, aside from that, how we got there was flexible. The last terminator movie put out that point, there is no Fate that says Things have to go a certain way, but there is a Fate that says, certain things have to happen, how they go about happening is up to us as individuals.
       If I were to view what you are saying as right, then I am being pushed towards Ireland, in just the last 2 weeks I made a friend there, found out about how easy it would be for me to move there and get a job because of the skills I have being in Very high demand over there, so high in fact, the Country has special provisions for people with my skill set to immigrate over there quicker and easier. Now I could look at that and say that it’s where I’m being pushed because of all these things that are going on. Or I can look at it as I always liked the British Isles, I’m part Irish myself and have always had a thing for history, especially my history, I looked up the info on visiting there and moving there myself, and I just want to get out of the house that has so many memories. So is it coincidence, or fate. Personally, my wife made her choices and so did I. Yes, there are things that I learned in the relationship and can learn from the end of it, but I don’t think that was the point of it that would be me trying to rationalize what happened to deal with the pain of it all, instead of facing that pain and dealing with it directly, she left, period. For me, rationalizing the reason things happen by saying they happened for a reason is harmful, because then it’s not your fault, it’s not their fault, it’s the universe saying things needed to go a certain way. To me that is hiding from what happened, and not accepting it for what it was.
       I’m not saying your not right, there may be a reason for all of this, like by me being unfettered I move to Ireland, become friends with an astrophysist who’s working on a problem, that my friendship with him change’s his perspective and a certain comment that I say to him sparks an idea that leads to a would changing concept. Of course, a frog farting and making the butterfly collapse from the stench, could do the same thing.

    Jax, thanks for taking the time to put the ritual up for me, I appreciate it. Hopefully you don’t take this as me taking anything out on you, I’m just tired of people not taking responsibility for their own actions. This is also kind of a sore spot with me right now because it’s basically what my wife has been trying to say. All these things happened that made her decide that it was over with us, that she had no control over what happened, it just did. Simply because she doesn’t want to admit responsibility for seeking out an ex-boyfriend and starting an affair. It all just Happened, according to her. I’m sorry, what happened was not Fate, it was not the Universe saying go and be with this guy, It was simply her, making the choice, to go and be with this other guy rather then leting me know what was going on with her. Our relationship was built on trust, I always told her I didn’t care what she did, as long as she didn’t lie to me, this worked for nearly 4 years, then suddenly she convinced herself that she needed to lie to me because she just knew I would blow the whole thing out of proportion, because I had given her so many examples in the past of how I would react if she went and spent time with another guy. She made the choice, she is responsible for what happened because of that choice, justifying it with rationaliztions is trying to say she had no control over the siutuation. I don’t buy that, not even for a dollar.

    #149127
    Jax
    Keymaster

     

    Quote:
    If I were to view what you are saying as right, then I am being pushed towards Ireland, in just the last 2 weeks I made a friend there, found out about how easy it would be for me to move there and get a job because of the skills I have being in Very high demand over there, so high in fact, the Country has special provisions for people with my skill set to immigrate over there quicker and easier. Now I could look at that and say that it’s where I’m being pushed because of all these things that are going on. Or I can look at it as I always liked the British Isles, I’m part Irish myself and have always had a thing for history, especially my history, I looked up the info on visiting there and moving there myself, and I just want to get out of the house that has so many memories. 

    Why must these be mutually exclusive?  I’ll try to explain this in a way that doesn’t take a novel.  We come into live with a roadmap of sorts.  It doesn’t dictate everywhere we go, but it at least guides us to the main things our soul wants to accomplish in this life.  What we find in life are certain things, locations, interest resonate with us.  This happens strongly when it is resonating with one of those big life moments.  Your soul desires to accomplish something – I don’t know what, and you may not either.  It has the infinite wisdom of the Universe at it’s disposal.  If it knows you would experience what you need to experience by moving to Ireland, it will help guide you there.  Your interest and draw to the area is a message from your soul saying it might be good for you.  Now, it doesn’t mean you have to go – not all pulls are crucial, but at this time in our world, they tend to be important.  So your soul has provided you an opportunity in this time of grief to move forward with your life.

    That doesn’t mean your soul made your wife leave you.  Those where her choices at the soul level.  It didn’t just happen, but she isn’t consciously aware of what is going on in her life either, thus it feels like she had no control. 

    Control is tricky.  Our souls are always in control.  The more connected we are to our higher consciousness, the more we are in conscious control of our own day to day life.  When we are not conscious, things happen to us.  When we are conscious, we understand that we are creating our life.  We cannot control others – you cannot control your wife, her choices, and her path.  But you can control, depending on your perspective, your life. 

    I don’t know if that clears it up much, but I’m not advocating lack of responsibility.  But the level of responsibility a person has depends on their level of awareness.  Perhaps she will come to understand her life, perhaps she won’t – there’s nothing you can do about that.  You, however, have an opportunity to see your life and path in a new way.  You can begin to see how things come together, how opportunities show themselves to us when they are appropriate. 

    There is a lot more to this to understand it more fully.  I’m not sure that it’s necessary for you to worry about it right now.  If you can get to the point of acknowledging that it’s possible that this is how the Universe works, or the Force or God if you prefer, then that is a step forward.  I have other resources available for you, as you are ready for them.  Many are free. 

    When we’re thrown a left turn, we have some choices.  We can stop and keep looking backward to see how that left turn snuck up on us, or we can look forward and see what has been shown to us.  There is always an element of looking backward, and there is a requirement for grieving.  But then we must move forward.  Left turns aren’t a cosmic joke, they are often the most important moments of our lives.  We just don’t take change well, or loss typically. 

    Hang in there, you are seeing more clearly than you may realize. 

    #149133
    Memnoich
    Participant

    They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I used to confuse people with why I got out of the Army. Simply put I got out because my ETS, my Unit being disbanded, and My MOS being done away with, were all within 3 months of each other. I took that as a sign that it was time to go else where. 1 year later, 9/11 happened, Had I stayed in, I would have been in one of the first units sent over. Not trying to say I was afraid of going, just say I felt something was telling me that was not where I needed to be. Like I said before, I do believe that there are certain things that need to happen in all our lives, but to sit and think that Everything that happens to us is for a reason, is to me, just hiding from what happened, rather then dealing with it. My Wife made the choice’s to do what she did, nothing told her she had to do it other then her Libido. Pretending it was anything else just does more harm then good.

    As for my future, that remains to be seen. I do have plans on a trip to Ireland, from there, who knows, but I do know that over then next couple years, my life will be changing, where I live will be changing, and where I go from here is unknown, that scares the hell out of me. I hate not knowing what  or where I’m going to be at tomorrow.

    #149135
    Jax
    Keymaster

    Most of us do hate not knowing.  Learning to let go is a relatively universal process.  Of course it’s easier to let go when you understand the process.  Then you can trust it more and relax. 

    Your wife made her choices at different levles.  At the lowest level it may have been libido, but at the highest levels they are entirely different.  Libido was just the tool used to put her where she belonged to experience and learn whatever she needs to learn.  Of course there’s no guarantee that anyone gets what they are supposed to from a situation but the opportunity is there.  In time you’ll begin to see this whole situation differently.  You’ll still understand it as you do now, but that will expand as your perspective expands.  All in time.

    #149136
    Kol Drake
    Moderator
    Quote:
    Like I said before, I do believe that there are certain things that need to happen in all our lives, but to sit and think that Everything that happens to us is for a reason, is to me, just hiding from what happened, rather then dealing with it.

    (1)  No platitudes… not what you want / can hear now. 
    That said, been there; lived through that.  Next year (2009) marks a decade since my divorce.  I think I was in the the wtf/totally numb/shocked phase after the pronouncement & first lawyers visit… which lasted about a year.  Though mine was very amicable — no messy games over money, possessions, etc.  there were two teen high school aged kids.  No one is a winner in this sort of thing.. it is more about adjustments — to plans, views, ideals, hopes, dreams, expectations — the whole schmear.

    Why the above quoted bit?
    Just finished a book which said much the same… so I guess I am getting the same Cosmic two-by-four that you might be ducking. 

    There is a ‘PLAN’.  And it will come about one way or another BUT thanks to Free Will (choice), we can go forward or avoid and ‘duck and cover’.  It changes events but not the final outcome.  One way or another, it gets to THE POINT — just not how WE might want to or like to get there. 

    So, EVERYTHING doesn’t happen for a reason — but some very SPECIFIC things happen which give us our chance to take it.. or ignore it.  Taken, events cascade along one path.  Ignored, the ‘chance’ may never come again — or another path opens up (or closes) due to our choice(s).

    Quote:
    As for my future, that remains to be seen. I do have plans on a trip to Ireland, from there, who knows, but I do know that over then next couple years, my life will be changing, where I live will be changing, and where I go from here is unknown, that scares the hell out of me. I hate not knowing what  or where I’m going to be at tomorrow.

    Uncertainty sux.

    Control is nice… but, most tend to ‘think’ — if I have total control over everything else; then I can finally have security & control FOR myself.      Nope…

    Self control and Self centered calm  make it a zilion times easier to SEE ways and means and choices which are stifled by controlling all else outside oneself…. ’cause it is never controlled and is never contained outside.  It’s an illusion we hope will help the pain inside ourself… and play with to keep from having to submit to that pain.

    Give yourself time.
    Ireland is cool…. a place I always wanted to visit  (( along with Stonehenge, Scotland, New Zealand, and Japan. —- okay, so I’m fickled. ))

    Hang in there and MTFBWY… helping to guide and support you in the tougher times.

    #149137
    Memnoich
    Participant
    Quote:
    There is a ‘PLAN’.  And it will come about one way or another BUT thanks to Free Will (choice), we can go forward or avoid and ‘duck and cover’.  It changes events but not the final outcome.  One way or another, it gets to THE POINT — just not how WE might want to or like to get there.

    [hr]
    that’s basically what I was trying to say. I do believe there is an overall plan for everyone, but I don’t think that everything that happens is to further those plans, otherwise choice means naught. Can we learn from everything that happens to us, sure.
    I’m not worried about control, no one has control of their life, you could die tomorrow, or it could be 60 years from now{ they are working on life extension pills, saw them last night on discovery}. My problem is the adjustment of my life, my goals, my trips, my thoughts on my possible future, all the things we had planned on doing together. All of that has been wiped out, and now I have to rebuild from scratch. Its that uncertainty about my future that bothers me right now, I have no plans, but I’m building them back up, starting with the trip to Ireland.

    The pain is there, and it’s very real, but I’m dealing with it. Some days I may not do anything because of it. I do know that right now I am planing on trying to take some time and face it head on. Lately I’ve been avoiding it, trying to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it, so I don’t break down. I stay out of the house, because she’s still there, though she has moved out. Right now I am working up the courage to face it, and deal with it. I will not run from it, I need to embrace it, not only the pain but the shame I feel for what I did. That’s why I wrote this, it’s time to start healing.

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