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  • #194906
    athar
    Participant

    I wish I had better reasons for being away but it seems life has once again swept me away. I do intend to complete what is available to me and hopefully will make some progress in the next couple weeks before term starts. It’s funny though. Even though I haven’t really been updating here I feel like I’m still training. Now if only I could commit to training my body as I do my mind. I completed most of a quantum craft class early last spring which was awsome and learned that I had shied away from my openness to energy due to fear of what I could do with it.

    More later

    #194908
    Kol Drake
    Moderator

    There is ‘sit in a classroom learning.’
    There is ‘distance learning.’
    There is ‘self taught’ learning.

    While each has their strengths, ‘living in the world’ while learning to put it all into perspective tends to be the best of all worlds. Plus, Life tends to throw in it’s own lessons. It’s all good.

    As for working with energy (the Force/Cosmic Forces/Internal Stuff)…

    Quote:
    … learned that I had shied away from my openness to energy due to fear of what I could do with it.

    Yep, this tends to be the situation for so many. That it ‘works’ BUT… how will it change me / my situation in Life?
    Which, by itself, can be the trickiest (or scariest) part — how will it change ME?

    And, that takes time to work through too… so, more ‘Life Lessons’.

    #194911
    athar
    Participant

    It’s always been a part of me just as it has been in our family for generations. But it would seem my strongest affinities are for two of the more distructive forces, when their strand on the spider’s web is pulled. Fire and storms aren’t childrens toys to be played with without restraint. Yet, there was a time I viewed them as such and the experience scared me.

    #194914
    Kol Drake
    Moderator

    You are totally correct.

    What seems ‘cool’ can end up becoming a disasterous situation.

    Since you mentioned FIRE though…
    I’ll plug my WWTF section (Working With The Force) series under “Esoterics”. I have a thread set about ‘Grokking’ — which talks about ‘grokking’ all the elements (and more). Fire being one of those elements. Never know what might click?

    #195915
    athar
    Participant

    welp, I just realized that a large part of what happened between the ages of 12-21 for me was society literally domesticating me. I’ve known what rewilding is for years, but I’ve never felt this drawn to it. growing up there were acres of wild spaces to roam. Streams, rivers, fields, forests, and hills were a natural playground. Animals, wild and domestic were all over as well. I didn’t really know what it meant to be part of society, in all honesty. and yes, that comes with a lot of struggles (I still struggle to read social cues). However, my mind misses the wide-open spaces with no one to judge, no one to tell me to stay on the path or that the giant fort I was building out of dead trees was gonna fall apart because it lacked this tool or that tool. These were things I got to learn through experience. My first roleplaying was surrounded by nature, alone. There was no correct response and no rules except those of the wild.

    ” When you domesticate a wild animal, distinctly unnatural behaviors can develop. In humans, these behaviors are striking. The further we are from our natural behaviors, the more we begin to demonstrate the consequences of domestication. You’ve probably experienced many of them yourself —

    Feeling clenched and fearful. *
    Feeling stressed.*
    Exhibiting self-violence (“I’m worthless, I’m not worthy, I should be more ______ or less ______.”) *
    Exhibiting violence toward others (anger, rage, frustration, lawsuits, wars).
    Always preoccupied with past and future, obsessed with “getting somewhere”.*
    Feeling like your life will be worthwhile when you achieve goal A, B, or C.*
    Plagued by dis-ease. *
    Unsure of the “meaning of it all.” *
    Haunted by the feeling that our entire culture is verging on insanity or blindness. *
    Feeling like you’re totally alone like no one else thinks as you do.”

    I know there’s no quick fix for any of this. There’s no easy way out. I’m not even looking for the eternal answer to “why is this happening?” I’m simply sitting back and observing a trend and wondering if there are things I can do to help alleviate it. I’m honestly not feeling upset or down either, more asking the question of “how does it get better than this?” which is a far better question than “why?” or “can it possibly get worse?”. I’m realizing I’m exceptionally grateful for the experiences that I had as a child as I look to find ways to use those same experiences to build a better future.

    Lately, I’ve been feeling somewhat disconnected even as I do my best to undo those things that block my sense of connection. this, of course, leads to a lot of introspection and a lot of untangling lots of complex webs of emotions and experiences. Once, about eight years ago, I tried to distance myself from those emotions and to find true neutrality. Logic dictates that that cannot be, but experience has taught me that letting the emotions run wild is just as unsafe. This year especially has been hard, and I will freely admit that I have lost the thread of control more than once. it’s just a fact, like any other and while the events that caused it still hold emotional value for me, the fact that I turned to other means to deal with them and in the process lost even more control, is simply a fact and neutral in value.

    There were two or three highly emotional events that occurred this year. Two of them occurred before July and in the process, I lost control. I was involved in an auto accident and shortly thereafter lost my job. I tried the suggested method of talking to a doctor first and foremost hoping to find a solution that would keep me from spiraling downward as my emotions started to take over. I was put on several drugs to help and I felt numb. I didn’t feel neutral, I had no control and I didn’t feel at all. shortly thereafter I gained a second primary partner, this relationship started off with a lot of drama involving an ex of theirs and some of the things that happened required us to create a very large rift in our local community whether we wanted to or not. the relationship turned quite dark shortly thereafter, but neither I nor my other partner saw it until it was much too late. Their manipulation left me feeling isolated which they tried to use to their advantage. that finally ended and shortly after I was assaulted during a modeling shoot. I made a report a couple of weeks later and was told that my assailant was a ghost in the system and they couldn’t press charges against a ghost. while this triggered a new wave of emotions, it was a more familiar battleground to me and I began to employ the techniques that I had accidentally learned through the study of totally unrelated things.

    through my studies of paganism (quantum craft), psychology and even this path, I had picked up way more skills than even I realized. I had an understanding of how your brain processes new information through a network of previous experiences and how reassigning the emotional values associated with those experiences changed how the brain assigns the new info. I had learned about using empty meditation to understand what was happening from an outsider’s view. I had some knowledge about how trauma can be rewritten in your brain’s memory bank every time something ‘triggers’ that set of emotions or experiences unless the emotional response is cut short and not allowed to take over. In short, I had gained the skills to (with a few gentle nudges in the right direction from a counselor, mostly in the form of “go look up this or research that) slowly begin the path to healing. By no means will the experience ever be as if it never happened, but I can learn to reduce its meaning to me.

    Through learning to forgive, learning how to heal and cope I have gotten myself safely off of the ‘quick fixes’. I actually had to get off them to be able to recognize what was happening. Numbness is a bandaid, not a solution. In all honesty, I think it hindered me more than it helped. I’m still learning to cope with a lot of social anxiety, mostly as a result of a lack of experience. I still have more natural backups in case I need them and I’m not out of the labyrinth yet. but I’m getting there.

    Next February, I’m going back to school full time. like 11-8 m-f, full time. I’m excited and nervous. Its gonna be a long 40 weeks, but being able to do more to support me will be worth it. I’m probably not diving back into classwork, but journaling has been a bigger thing for me recently, so hopefully, this trend will continue. There are many applicable lessons that life will throw at you whether you want them or not. It’s hard to believe sometimes that it been 6 years since I began. Its been a hell of a learning experience, even if not in the ways that I expected.

    #195917
    NickD
    Participant

    That sounds like a really crumby year. I’m glad you are finding a means to heal and cope. Assault of any kind can harm the mind and spirit in unpredictable ways. Time is the best healing solution, but the wound and memory is still there. Having something which you can focus your mind on helps too; therefore, school should be a good distraction and growth opportunity. I’m interested in learning more about this quantum craft though.

    I hope you can get back to nature often. I feel hiking, camping, or just being outdoors in fresh mountain, forest, or river air is therapeutic and inspiring.

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