Week 1 Discussion
I suppose, with the proper viewpoint, all Life is a journey.
That’s a bit of a cop-out.
I left college (second time) due to boredom with classes and a desire ‘not to work’… and went into the Army. Dozed through basic; was sent off to a school for a year!!! [Another in a lifetime of cosmic jokes on me… leave school to get shoved back into school, etc.]
‘Thought’ maybe I would come out the other end of my four years as something… more focused? More “…wanting to go get ’em”? Something. Instead, I did ‘what was expected’ — got out, got married, went back to college, got the ‘expected’ degree (only after a few years did I realize I got what ‘others’ expected and not what I liked/enjoyed/wanted).
Problem is, I really have NO clue as to what I really want/like/should be doing. Even after all these years. This came painfully apparent in 1998. Another job I was not happy in. I had planned to walk out on a Friday… word must have slipped out… they ‘released me’ that same afternoon. I had planned to take some time to think things through… go ‘out west’ to see about some new opportunities. Wife said — if you go; do not come back. I went.
Looking back… it was probably my ‘mid life crisis ‘ time. I was angry at my non life. At not having found my bliss. My thoughts at the time were: I was more a liability to my family — and angry enough to potentially do more harm … psychologically, not physically… so they would be better off if I left. It was a semi-suicide decision. I packed my clothes and drove off; leaving them with all my cash, savings, paychecks… except $200 for gas. (Gas was alot cheaper back then. )
Drove and met some folks I had only ‘known’ by email/Internet. Continued west looking for the best spot to become a blot on the freeway. It had to be fast and solid enough so I didn’t ‘just’ maim or injure myself… it had to be fatal -and- look accidental enough so the insurance would cover the kids time through college. See, I had it all semi-worked out in my illusion of ‘what was best’.
Kept driving and seeing ‘spots’ but always thought, “beautiful Nature… hate to spoil it with blood and twisted wreckage.” No head-ons with 18-wheelers; they might get hurt too. Mind always was looking for ‘excuses’ but still looking for exits. Ran out of money and gas in the far west. Wandered into a local community college and checked my email and forum friends — none of which had knowledge of this journey of mine.
Wife had medical news; suspicions it might be cancer. Said I should come back (not to live but to be in town in case it was life threatening condition). Pled my case to a local church who granted me enough money to drive back. Lived in car — in parks and hospital parking lots while all the medical stuff happened. Came by every day to get the kids off to school and to do all the chores wife was unable to do after the surgery. (Not cancer or life threatening after all) Once she was 100%; I got aid and landed a small one room place and continued looking for work. She got a lawyer and started divorce proceedings.
The rest, as they say, is history. I did not go off and smear myself across the landscape (though I had time for a few years after in which it still came to mind). I ran out of cash for the apartment and ended up living in my parents basement. (Yes, I am that deadbeat in the basement you see in commercials and as the running ‘joke’ in movies and tv.. the ‘never leaving’ child.) Had a few jobs and paid off all I borrowed money from during this time but never found a career.
Still trying to find what it is I am ‘good at’.
So, a journey of sorts.
Nothing spiritual or physical or whatever.
Pretty petty compared to those who have had to overcome physical challenges, drug issues, screwed up child-hoods, etc.
Probably why I look to the Jedi teachings… in the hopes I can ‘work it out’ and finally feel like I have the ‘tools’ to start a real life.. even this late in the cycle of ‘me’.