I certainly can relate to what both of you have written. My “grail” has also been the Jedi life, but I didn`t know it. All I needed to do was to let go of what I thought it should look like. I looked and tried many different places and my “despair” grew increasingly. Paradoxically I feel it was the depth of my despair which kept me going, because in my heart I knew somewhere there would be a possibility for me. And even if I had lost a lot of energy and time, I certainly gained in conviction and understanding.