Owning your Potency

  • David (Phoenix)
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David (Phoenix) created the topic: Owning your Potency

As a Jedi Knight hopeful, one of the things I've been studying lately is myself. I've been intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically evaluating where I am in my life, what is holding me back, where I am going, and if the goals I once had and desired really align with where I want to be in even 5 years. This sort of introspection was one of the many things that pushed me in to a downward spiral of insecurity, depression and doubt. I've been dealing with these feelings for months, close to a year now.

When I went into judgement of myself, I saw myself as inferior and less than. I questioned my Jedi training, my relationship choices, my dreams...basically everything. I felt inferior as a healer, as a massage therapist, as a human being. Living with these sort of feelings, I was very close to just wanting to end it all. Of course, I didn't want to at the same time. I became a walking dead. I didn't want to really live, but I didn't want to die either. I was dead on the inside and it completely sucked.

As I wrote up my Jedi Knight trials for my exam this fall, I began to have all those feelings of insecurity magnify. I had learned so much already on my Jedi journey, but instead of feeling more and more ready for the responsibilities of Knighthood, I felt less and less like a Jedi. So I pushed away friends and family, and I became recluse and quiet.

But then something changed the past few days. I had my bars run by someone in Access, and they were trying to run my "joy" bar. (I can explain bars another time). Needless to say, that bar refused to be ran and it kept "moving." I was literally choosing to push Joy away. Interesting choice, huh? I had become so focused on the negativity, the neglect, that that became my reality. I was unwilling to choose it, unwilling to be it, and unwilling to accept it. How could someone who had so much crap in their life have joy too? Well finally, she go the bar to calm down, and I went and ran a couple other people's bars that night. Then things started opening up. I realized how much I was hiding, how much I was ignoring intrinsic parts of who I am. I had allowed the negativity to remain, to remind me to constantly invalidate myself and my own potency. And that was a tough pill to swallow. I want to be a source of optimism and hope in the world, that 's my goal as a Jedi Knight. How can I do that when I was actively seeking to invalidate that in my own life?

That night, during a meditation, my guides took me to a mirror. I was told I needed to face the mirror (ie. myself); but I was very much hesitant to, so I chose against it. One of my guides told me that they weren't surprised, but that I needed to face it. Somewhere in there, I fell asleep. I had the most intense dream I have ever had, and I can provide that later. Needless to say, I learned that I was NOT owning my own potency. I was not owning who I was or what I really wanted in life. I had literally just given up.

So this morning, during my meditation, I refaced that mirror, and I actually faced it. I actually owned who I was, and now the healing can truly begin. And it wasn't some big to do or surge of energy, it was simple, it was easy and it was just right. I had this inner moment of clarity, this inner shift of awareness.

I wanted to share this story because I know there is a lot of negativity going on in the world, and I know many Jedi here struggle with depression, negativity, or feelings of doubt and insecurity. I wanted to post this story because there is hope. There is a community here that will support you and guide you through these challenges if you let them. It won't be easy, but it is achievable. Even if today you feel like you can't own who you are, that's OK. I then ask that you have the willingness to at least try. And above all else, if you do feel that you are struggling or unsure, reach out. Reach out to me, to a faculty member, or to someone you trust. Just because this journey is hard doesn't mean you have to walk it alone.

Yours in the Living Force,
Jedi Yue Phoenix

"...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. " ~ Theodore Roosevelt
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Owning your Potency

With the title, I thought I might be reading a commercial for Viagra... :stars

Good self exploration and 'discovery'.
I hope you continue to 'reflect' on what you have embraced.

;)
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Johannes (Yoshio) replied the topic: Owning your Potency

David, many thanks for sharing this self-exploration with us. When I read it, many points on which You touched really spoke to me as I have to deal with some of them myself. Reading from You that You had to and maybe still have to face the same challenges really helps to stick with hope and a positive perspective for that we finally can achieve and get to the point at which we envision ourselves to be.
Fortunately or unfortunately any path in life worth walking isn't necessarily an easy path and that is why it is, on the other hand, so easy to give in, to quit. But if we can find the hardiness within us and stick with our path because we, deep down in ourselves, know that reaching the goal is much more rewarding than all the hardship on the path, this is then what really make us grow as Jedi and human beings.
For me this is one of the reasons why I'm hear at the IJRS doing my best to help everyone in need of help, because I know that in return, if I have questions and doubts, I can find the same help from others here. So, hang in there and don't hesitate to ask question and/or for help as we all are, although on our individual paths, on the same journey to be(come) the best version of us possible or as David has put it, owning our potency.
:meditate

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Tsjêbbe replied the topic: Owning your Potency

Haha Kol, I was thinking in the same area :rofl

Beautiful story David. I know how it feels. Just say fuck you to the world, try to smile to your reflection in the mirror and mind only your own things, as long it doesn't hurt anyone and you are aware of your actions. That's how I turned around and started walking upstairs.

"Little decisions over time make a big impact on our lives.” - Eric Samuel Timm
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