feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

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Katrin Wolfwalker created the topic: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

I am currently reevaluating the direction of my live. I have found peace in me, regarding the possibility of my being a student at Kiel U might not be the right thing to do. I have struggled for a long time (getting worse as time went by) with the thought of dropping out of university. Finally I have a measure of peace, and am able to look at my options. Not long ago I was frantically pulling away from university studies while at the same time forcing myself to continue (", because I can't just stop. So much time lost!") Happily I got over that, at least as far as I can currently observe.

I found myself back at my writing, back at my sketching, back at meditating.

It feels like waking up.

It feels like I do that a lot, lately, waking up.

I had a long phase of depression, which I finally found the currage to work on with my doctor. I had the feeling of being caged, of caging myself, of chaining myself to my own misery. In retrospect: I probably did. More honestly, without the probably: I did cling to my misery something fierce.
Writing feels good, seeing pages fill up is a great satisfaction. Drawing again shows me that I do not have to start at 0, just because I didn't practice for so long. Meditating again feels like... like... I don't have the words to express what it feels like. I can say that it is a good feeling, that it is a bit strange. That it is strangely familiar, and not the same as earlier experiences at the same time. (Did that make sense to anyone but me?)

I warn you that I may not come here every day, probaply not even every week. But there will be times of regular updates (even daily ones?) and times of neglect. As I am learning to balance myself, I will strife for a balance in this area too.

Hope to -I don't know-  :ponder

Be blessed, find peace, be happy
Katrin
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Aslyn replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

Maybe worry less about what you might do, and concern yourself more with what you will do, Katrin. It's cliche to say it, but the expression does say until the possible becomes actual, it is only distraction. That would apply here, I think!

I'm pleased you're finding an outlet, though - expressing yourself is a good medium for dealing with stress, if you pick the right one, and you seem to be working on that fairly well. Keep up the good work :)
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Katrin Wolfwalker replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

Maybe worry less about what you might do, and concern yourself more with what you will do, Katrin. It's cliche to say it, but the expression does say until the possible becomes actual, it is only distraction. That would apply here, I think!


Yes! I didn't know that expression, but it is most defenitly well to apply it here.

I'm pleased you're finding an outlet, though - expressing yourself is a good medium for dealing with stress, if you pick the right one, and you seem to be working on that fairly well. Keep up the good work :)


I don't know if writing and sketching are an outlet for me to deal with stress.
Writing has a great pull on me. I have been thrilled to let characters (of books and movies as well as ones I made up myself) experience stories since I was a little girl. Writing. It's a bit like breathing. Or better like sleeping, like dreaming, I have so many stories, and pieces of stories, (and and and) in my head and such a need to put them in order, that I don't think it contributes to being an outlet...

Though I might be mistaken.


Hope to not have made things too confusing

K
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Aslyn replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

If you don't think of them as an outlet, imagine what you'd be feeling if you didn't do them ;)
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Katrin Wolfwalker replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

*shudder*    :surprise okay I get your point.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

Creative expression can be a lifesaver for people.  Don't over analyze it.  Is it fun?  Does it make you feel good? Then it's a positive outlet for you.  :-)  And sometimes it's easier to write a character that works through the issues you need to work through than it is to do the same yourself.  Basically, writing a character to work through these issues allows you to work through them at a less painful pace.  Just a though. :-)

Welcome back!
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Katrin Wolfwalker replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

Welcome back!


Thank you!

I just explained myself and my writing to my husband a few weeks ago, that's why it is so fresh in my mind: I like writing. I like developing a plot, maybe even a harsh or twisting one, and I like for characters so "find their place in life". I like people to "get there", even against high odds. It doesn't have to be a hollywood happy end, in fact I very much don't like those, but I like two people to find the relationship they crave, I like a telepath, or a clairvoyant, or a werewolf to find the place in the world that they can fill up. I like characters to find a place where they don't have to make themselves bigger or smaller than they are.
And yes, that is a place I am walking to myself. On some days I already have one foot on the ground "there", on others I don't. But hey, we are all on our paths, right?


Enough of that.

I have found that I love samba. There is a school here, that teaches samba, they also have one-day-workshops and on the 11th of Juli they hold such a workshop. It is not that expensive, also I am still immatriculated in the Kiel U so that it's 10 bucks cheaper.
I am smiling, only listening to short samples, I think I will try it, see what will come of it.
Also I had a very fun synchronistical moment regarding the band (boombao) and there flyer here on Kieler Woche yesterday...  :)

I need to organize my days more, because I don't sleep enough and at night I don't get tired. More like I don't notice my tiredness...? Yesterday, or more precisely this morning, I went to bed past 2 am and I'm still tired (its 3pm now).

Also I like to clean and order my scedule right now, it feels like the thing to do. Readjust my tayly rhythm to more closely reflect my needs and inside world.

Changes, changes, changes...
That reminds me of the Walsh book reviewed in the newsletter. I could read that, but I have asked (a few times now) my guides if I should read this or that book. And the answer is still "You know all you need to know. You don't need more books. Practice what you know. Nothing else." So I'll do that. Or start again to do that.

My city, due to Kieler Woche, is full of broken bottles and glass shards. I don't feel like walking bare foot right now, on the other hand I'd like to. I'll wait until clean-up is through....


That's all from me so far.
See you around.

Kay

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Katrin Wolfwalker replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -

A short update from my current path.

There are lot's of things I use to keep myself apart from what I want. It is getting easier to notice those things, though I'd like to notice even before I feel so not-happy. As from my vocabulary you might notice me working with Abrahams teachings again. :)
I have still trouble with a consistant schedule for my days. On that matter: I started working on my body again, mostly with endurance in mind.
But I have made some mistakes before: Starting change with crass new patterns and giving them up again after only a short period of time. I approach now with those experiences in mind: 30 minutes of mild aerobic stuff a few torso exercises.
It is important to keep in mind that I haven't been using my body as well as I think I could have.
I have gained 7kg. In this year.
So I try finding small pieces, allowable pieces, of happiness while working up a sweat.

Also meditating doesn't agree with me yet. (Another piece of schedule)
My goal, so far, was to start and end my days with meditation. I find I have to lower the bar for this too.
I meditate in the morning, then go about my day, forget to meditate until I am already in bed and too tired to get up again. The next morning I forget, due to not having slept enough, then maybe I remember sometime that day or I don't. The next day I probably remember, maybe not, but the day after I remember, meditate twice, feel better and rested. The day after that I do okay. Rinse and repeat. Or s.th. like that.

I've had this experience earlier. The knowledge of my wanting to meditate, and my struggle with my conscious awareness to follow there.

I have made some progress with listening to my Feeling. Taking a mental step back when I feel a keen sence of not-well-ness and changing course. I can do better. But I did it a few times, and I felt better, and for that alone it was worth paying more attention.

I had an interesting read not too long ago: in the two books Sebastian and Belladonna by Anne Bishop the heroine, the Landscaper Glorianna Belladonna communicates with the world. The world manifests what is in the heart of the people, all that is in the heart of the people. There are Landscapers who are a bedrock for all those resonances, big and small, balancing giving the world a hopeful (or not so hopeful) base-vibration. Her talking to the world is a habit I ike to aquire for a while. But the world in the books is ephemera, ours isn't, so I stumble over words and languages again.

First on my mind right now are building a schedule to strengthening my physis, re-balancing food and used energy, and practicing my meditations.

After that come smaller projects all not at all un-important .......


This morning, at the end of a good night's sleep, I dreamt of fying again.

I haven't dreamt like that in ages.

I am so happy I could weep.
Long ago, and this morning, I was able to hold my arms at the side of my body, changing subtle balances and currents with my hands and my will. Flying over open water (which I can't remember doing ever before), diving and soaring in turn.
I loved every second of it.
No one here seems to understand. (Mom, husband...)

But they don't need to, because I do. I'm back.

See you around
K
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Katrin Wolfwalker replied the topic: Re: feeling the path under my feet - A Journal -


I have been at my in-law's house for the last three weeks. The carpenter where I work in an unpaid internship (I hope that's the correct words for it) is a nice person to work with. He has humor and patience, but he swears a lot, which I don't mind, but I watch him interact with his customers and sometimes they are repelled by his rough-...ness.
Being away from home has been an education: I, still, cling to my husband, which is an unpleasant experience for all of us, I am a guest at my in-laws' house and I find that I don't like it too much. On the other hand, I do like the fact that my son has a friend there, with whom he plays all day long. He is outside, playing in his friends garden or his gran's, climbing into the apple (or plum) tree and getting yelled at for making the apples fall prematurely. The Apple tree on the lawn is now nearly without apples and has been declared fair game.
I enjoy that I am not responsible for him, at least most of the time.
Work in the workshop is interesting. I lern to handle the tools and machines.
Some things I will have to adjust to in the long run, but I can see myself fantasizing about my own workshop in our house, the one I have been dreaming about for a long while. I can picture myself with the smell of pine or spruce or even siberian larch (*shudder*) in my nose for the long run, an it feels good.

I have been waking up and as soon as I remember to I recite these in my head:

One raindrop raises the sea.
Survival of all or none.
Weapons are enemies, even to their owners.
Give more, take less.
Others first, self last.
Observe, listen and learn.
Do one thing at a time.
Sing every day.
Exercise imagination.
Eat to live, don't live to eat.
Find the light.

I haven't had time to meditate on them yet, see if I need to change them, but it helps me focus. I have been able to come back to these 11 better and better, over the last week and a half.
It is very much possible that I might change some of them in the future, also I might drop them for others. But I especially like the first, the sixth, the nineth, and the next-to-last one.

I haven't been working on my body, since I was away from home, but the work in the workshop keeps me from not-doing-anything-at-all.

Meditation is slow. I had a day when I went out early, all bundled up and sat in the garden for a few hours before the town woke up, which led me to the conclusion that I will have a platform in front of my bedroom in my house, that I will live in, with a sliding door, where I can slip out early in the morning and watch the morning being born. But I haven't been sitting down to quiet my mind in a long while. I find that a pity.

It is easier for me to get up early for my meditation when I have a fixed place where everything is only waiting for me to sit down. In my in-laws' house I can't generate s.th. like that. But I only have two days of regular internship left before kindergarden starts again and I have to coordinate my live with the have-tos of my son.
I am still wellcome in the workshop, and on the weekends I will work there if my in-law-family have time to babysit, but I'd like to work on workdays too.

Meditation is ... I will work on that some more.

I have worked with one of the books I have worked with before. Earthpaths by Starhawk, which is very nurturing to me.

I have exmatriculated from University, effective end of September.
Money has been organized, so that we have enough to pay our bills and all will be okay, I think.
I have to find a place to apprentice with but I am not alone, not without help. it will take care of itself.



Have to go
soon (I think) more

K
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