I had a good discussion with Angelus today about something that happened yesterday as well as my dreams from last night so I should write that up.  Friday, before I got the email about the job, I took the cats to the vet.  Our younger cat usually does ok, but he was scared with them taking blood from his neck and he clawed my palm real good.  The deepest puncture is right below the webbing between the thumb and finger.  Then I got home and got the email about not getting the job.  I decided to meditate with sage burning to help clear my mind.  I lit a small branch of sage and when I was shaking it to blow out the flame, a piece broke off and burned my palm.  Once I put it down in the shell and made sure nothing else was going to burn, I noticed where it burned me - almost the exact same place as I was clawed on my left hand.  I thought this was interesting, but didn't know what it would mean.  Then it dawned on me...I use my hand as a map of Wisconsin all the time.  That location on my hand is the area that I'm from!  So perhaps I am going home in the future.  Unfortunately, that didn't begin to tell me how or when.  This is what I asked Angelus about tonight - how to determine if something is a message, and what it means.

Angelus believes as I do that there are no coincidences, but that's not always easy for me to put into practice.  I explained what happened, and what I thought it meant.  He added that the sage means what comes will probably be unplanned, it'll come in an instance.  That goes with my dream that it isn't time to know.  And to add to all of this, the weird dream with the attacker had an element at the end I didn't put in before.  There was a human hand and wrist that was just lying on the ground.  It wasn't bloody, so that was weird too.  I picked it up and squeezed right at the wrist joint.  It changed to a shriveled dark hand that was similar to the claw from earlier in the dream, but I knew I hadn't transformed it fully.  Apparently a disembodied hand represents options, and this all points to the options not solidifying entirely.  So, all of this seems to point to things still settling out.  I just need to be patient or something.

I wanted to mention some things that flesh out into a larger picture showing how everything happens in divine and perfect order (or, there are no coincidences).  First, things have been rearranged at work so I'm now 5th on the priority list for certification.  This means my certification is automatically going to be many more months longer instead of being forced to cram too much knowledge in a short amount of time, virtually guaranteeing failure.  It also means I won't be harassed as to my progress (ok, harassed may be too strong a word).  Thus, more time for a new job to pan out.  I've noticed lately (past month or so) that I'm forgetting more than I'm learning and it kinda freaks me out.  So now I have time to study and not live in mild fear of being found out as an idiot.   So, all good things.  I saw this days ago, before the job fell through, but it took an extra day off work to see it and feel the calm that comes from this understanding. 

Another reminder for myself is that, while I wish I had the ability to hear my guides and interact with them directly like others here, it is forcing me to pay attention to more subtle messages that I would otherwise ignore.  I guess it's the same concept of losing one sense and another being heightened to make up for it. 

Today I went to half price books and picked up two books for my queue: Shaman in a 9 to 5 world (Patricia Telesco) and Entering the Castle (Caroline Myss).  I especially look forward to the shaman book because I'm struggling with living in the city, or suburbs even, without losing my mind.  lol  I'm still slowly working through the Ted Andrews book.  Now that I've finished my next Warriors series, I can shift gears.  I'm also reading the new Star Wars book (Abyss).  I'll post on them as I have things to say. 

and Entering the Castle (Caroline Myss).  I'm also reading the new Star Wars book (Abyss).  I'll post on them as I have things to say. 

Grrrrrr I still need to finish the second one! And I have that Myss book too.  Very spiritual woman!


Phoenix

You'll get there.  The books come out every 2 months so that's time to hang out at the bookstore.   Have you checked your library?  You might be able to request it through interlibrary loan and then read it at your leisure. hehe

Experiences with the Force Trainer

So far my experiences are hit and miss.  I'm able to get the ball to rise up at times.  I can't seem to maintain that for more than 15 seconds.  I'm finding I have initial success, and after a few minutes can't seem to get the focus back.  I don't feel distracted, so I'm not sure if it's me or the machine.  Yesterday I tried for many minutes after I stopped being able to get the ball moving and found myself feeling nauseous at the end.  I'm not convinced it's related.  Today I decided to stop sooner rather than push my brain.  I don't want to build bad habits or wear out my brain.  My plan currently is to play with it a little each day and see how I improve.  Beta waves are related to relaxed concentration, which would be very helpful with my daily life.  I struggle with concentration a lot, so hopefully this will help. 

Today was a long day.  I had the chiropractor in the morning after a bad night of sleep.  Part of the chiro appointment is active rehab, which involves simple core exercises on a big ball.  So I did 3 sets of 10 reps: front to back, left to right, circles to the left and right, and crunches.  It isn't much, so I'll probably increase the crunches slowly.  I hadn't done much once I started going to the chiro because I didn't want to put tension into muscles too early.  I'm finally feeling some relief, moments of good posture, pain free walking, simple things like that, so I'm quite happy.  This chiropractor uses a computerized adjustment which is very precise and I find it is helping my adjustments hold longer.  He only adjusts 3 or 4 vertebrae, and then gives my ribs a nudge to get them all happy. 

Today at work I was running a sim from 1-10, so I took a nap while icing my back after the chiropractor.  After getting home I needed to drop the rent check in the office.  It isn't far, about two city blocks, but I'm nervous at night.  It's a fear I'm working on though.  So I took a brisk walk to the office and back.  along the way I stopped at the playground and climbed on the dome shaped jungle gym and stood on the really neat rocks on the ground.  It wasn't much, just 10 or 15 minutes, but I got a little cardio.  I also carried some rather heavy bags of trash out and brought up the 30 lb container of cat litter.  All in all I got a good sampling of physical activity, even if it was short in duration.  It's now almost midnight and I'm finally getting ready for bed.  Carrie's really struggling mentally so I'm hoping to see some positive changes post medicine and before I go to sleep.  I'd rather not get woke up to her completely crazy.  Tomorrow I need to call the mental health facilities on her medicare so we can get her medication straightened out on that end.  I did get a neurologist recommendation, so I'm going to call them too.  I'm hoping this synchronicity is a good one!

Last night I had more success with the Force Trainer, but I have very little control over how high the ball goes.  I did the first 3 trials of the padawan level but by the fourth my head was buzzing and light headed (though I was breathing pretty normal).  I have felt this before when trying to pull a lot of energy from Carrie's head to push away a seizure, but that involved some intense breathing so I'm really not 100% sure what's going on.  I've decided to go in small spurts still and not overload myself.  I tried the Knight level just out of curiosity and couldn't make it through level one, so I definitely have to practice.  Carrie tried it and went through levels 1-4 of padawan super fast.  Her ability to focus is clearly much better than mine. lol It was good to see it though, so I now know the machine works and I just need to work on it. 

I'm trying not to overthink, but it seems like any thinking gets me in trouble for overthinking so I'm just going to write what's going on with me today and hope that I can let go of it more easily.  As I look at jobs I find myself either unable to do things that are available or with no interest in it.  I don't feel I'm a good scientist, and at this point I may have actually lost what is most critical for a scientist - the drive to find proof.  My spiritual path has led me to trust my intuition more as well as simply accept what is without always needing an explanation.  Don't get me wrong, I'll look for one but can accept (usually) when there isn't one.  Back when I started my educational journey this wasn't the case.  But now?  I don't know, I don't think I have the heart for most research or the skills necessary to do what is interesting. 

I went through this exercise about 3 years ago when I felt the tug to leave grad school.  I realized that music was still my love and passion and I should head that direction.  But this was before Carrie got so sick.  I was able to take two music classes at the community college and learned a few things.  Then Carrie got too sick to finish classes and I wasn't able to study.  I had to finish my thesis and then work two jobs to make ends meet.  Now we're in Houston where I don't have those same convenient options, nor do I feel comfortable sacrificing any more time away from Carrie while she's healing.  So even taking classes to give me more experience to get jobs in my own field are out of the question at this point.  More school is out of the question because I have to maintain my full time job.  We can't afford to take a 50% decrease in income while adding even more debt I can't afford.  It makes me feel rather stuck, which I've felt more than once in the past few years.

The good thing is I've been in this kind of position before and things worked out just fine.  But each year that passes means less time to do the things I want in this life, which adds a little pressure, whether I mean to or not.  I had hoped by 30 I'd have gained some professional confidence and skill but I seem to be losing more than I gain and that's not so fun.  But I digress...Tonight I looked at acoustical engineering type things, both degrees and careers and didn't find much.  All I keep coming back to is if money were no object I'd do music.  Since money is an issue, I can't just change everything to do music.  I can keep it in the back of my mind and look for opportunities, but it's not a solution to my job problem anytime soon. 

Really though, this isn't about a job or career.  This is about trying to follow my heart and make a living doing something that feeds my soul as well as my belly.  A compromise is to spent more time doing things that feed my soul in my off hours.  Right now the easiest way to do this is play Guitar Hero or Rock Band.  Playing the drums in the game is remarkably similar to drums in real life, but quieter so more convenient right now.  The other thing I can do is practice being open to the Force providing me unexpected opportunities.  I have absolutely no idea how to get to where I want to be.  Trying to figure it out will only put me in the way of what is coming.  The only reason I work on figuring this type of stuff out is because if I don't clarify what I want, the Force can't respond.  Well, it responds but with as much clarity as I provide.  Right now, that's pretty much none. lol 

I hope I come out the other side of this career journey soon so I can gain some understanding at least of this intermediate step.  I don't expect I'll ever fully settle anywhere because I find too many things interesting and need variety in some areas of my life or I get very bored and have a hard time moving forward.  So we'll just see what happens.

at this point I may have actually lost what is most critical for a scientist - the drive to find proof

I hear you there, that's why I decided to go the Computer Science route...unless you're doing critical systems working was enough, proof didn't matter.  ;D

I know I harp on about this, but have a look for physics based jobs outside the US. I was reading in the paper here the other day how worried Universities about their academics ages...not enough younger people coming to fill projected retirement vacancies. Also sites like www.careerjet.co.nz , stick in 'physics' and see what you get. I know why you are looking at what you've been looking at, but I cannot escape the feeling that the problems you are having with jobs is because you are limiting yourself, both in what you are looking at and where you want to go for them. It seems you are getting torn up by the dichotomy, the need to take care of Carrie vs what you really want to do with your life. BTW saying you want to get certain things done by a certain age isn't a good idea, it just adds pressure. Anyway to get back onto topic sometimes I feel like I'm watching you scurry around a cage gnawing on the bars, but the cage isn't really there, it's in your mind and mostly built of the things you don't want to admit to or face directly. When you say ' I can't do that' then you really are shutting off the possibilities aren't you? Denying them their chance at being created?

Mostly searching for physics is because I don't know how else to search for things.  Physics brings up different engineering positions, teaching positions, lots of health positions that I don't know anything about... Most of my time is spent on visiting company websites directly since a lot of aggregate sites aren't useful.  And I follow any little idea or nudge I get, but it isn't easy to figure out what to look for.  There just aren't a lot of places looking to hire entry level right now.  If I don't really know what I want to do, that makes it just a tad harder

And what I mean about things not being possible is that they aren't possible under current situations.  To try to do school in the evenings would be abandoning my responsibility and hindering Carrie's healing (for reasons I shouldn't say because they are her personal business).  So I'd be shooting myself in the foot to try.  Plus, I'd end up missing classes to take care of her so it wouldn't work too well.  And I definitely can't quit my job to go to school full time without some major financial support.  So I keep looking to see what's available and help me figure out what I want, but the underlying issue is lack of money to do things.  With my job I have the money but not the time.  Without my job I have the time but not the money. lol Things will fall into place, I just have no clue.  This is all solved with a job offer that involves training though.  Those jobs do still exist, it's just a matter of finding them (or making sure my resume is findable by them).  I'm still debating whether to drive to Austin for the career fair in two weeks, but I'm not sure it's worth it.  I'll have to see what I feel in another week.

That all said, I am trying to tweak my thoughts and relax about everything more so I'm not hindering this process.  It's a constant battle, which is already not so helpful language. Just gotta get my brain to keep letting go so everything eases up.  Perhaps a day of cleaning, cooking, and guitar hero is just what I need.  And maybe we'll get real lucky and Carrie's nap will allow her to visit a park with me. That's our next goal for her good day, whenever it comes.