Jax Training Journal

  • Jax
  • Jax's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Academy Principal
  • Posts: 14816
  • Thank you received: 1849

Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I had a very interesting evening last night.  First, I had some good short conversations with Carrie and the guides about the 'ascension' process (all the changes humanity and the earth is going through).  I expressed concern that I didn't know if I was progressing as I should, worried I had missed something important.  Turns out I haven't.  I mentioned that 2 weeks ago I saw a very quick vision of Manthis, my higher guide (like my guide's supervisor).  I only know him as a cloaked figure, like a Jedi cloak with a big hood that hides his face normally.  I assumed it was him because I saw a cloaked figure turning away and leaving.  I was scared he was leaving because I had screwed up.  Turns out he was literally just checking on myself and my guide, making sure I had all I needed.  The vision was also a test of sorts - put a powerful presence there and ping me with a jolt and see if I saw it.  The good thing about me thinking I was failing is I started doing a little more, which is when I started the 5 minutes of yoga/qigong before bed and energy work.  I'm relieved to know that I'm progressing and haven't missed the boat somewhere. :-)

Then, last night I did my normal yoga/qigong routine, following by making an energy ball between my hands.  I basically just play with it, see how big it is, feel out the properties (how much does it repel/attract, where), and work on trying to see it.  I do this in very low lighting so any brightness would be easier to see.  I haven't been sure if I'm seeing anything or not, and I've been trying to figure out ways to test this.  Last night I did this by changing the 'background'.  Instead of the floor, I used the bed which is a different color and texture.  As I looked, I started to discern subtle differences.  It looked like there were some lines in it, like when you have a little soap in water and can see the currents move because of the way light interacts with the thin film.  Even more fun, I saw it rotating.  So I said, "It looks like it's rotating." They responded "because it is". lol That answers that.  It was the most subtle thing I've ever seen I think.  I wasn't consciously making it move, it just was.  Right before I stopped, it reversed direction.  Definitely interesting.  I mean, it only took me 7 years on this path to get there, but hey, progress is progress! :-)

edit:
I realized I forgot some things.  I asked the guides why the energy ball was golden (as it still was) and if it was related to my 'ascension' process.  Their wonderfully vague answer was 'probably'.  Just when they get useful they get all vague again. lol

I also asked about this idea that was in the earth angels alert, that the ascension plan had changed and it was like the door was being closed, and those who missed the boat were out of luck.  They said that's not the case, that there's no one dictating any plan or closing any doors.  I also asked about Ellen, who died during the longest solar eclipse in recent history.  They said she was very nurtured and supported in her transition beyond her body.  I expected this, partially because she went out so peacefully and partly because I believe she wasn't resisting the process.  I was wondering what her soul plan was in this life.  I know, that's a little nosy - they said that's for her to know - but I want to know to help me understand and apply that info to other people's situation and help others through their grief.  They told me to look in the other direction, but I didn't get to clarify my guess as to what they mean.  I'm thinking her timing was more about everyone who is left behind.  Her death is going to change many people's lives, most especially her close family.  My guess is Jen (her girlfriend) is going to find herself moving in a new direction in life after she goes through her own grieving process.  I hope I get to see how some of this plays out.

And, to keep things simple, today I talked about Ellen to someone who wasn't Carrie while at work.  I felt like I got a little chocked up a few times, but I held it together.  No tears, only some pre-tears.  This is a huge success for me.  Of course, I have to occasionally smack down some sneaky guilty thoughts, but that's normal.  For instance, fearing that if she were to look down on me and I wasn't sad, then she could feel like I don't love her and miss her, which definitely isn't the case.  Then I remind myself that she's moved on, and thus is not bound to human understanding.  She would know that I haven't not forgotten even as I move beyond grief.  This is certainly a learning experience, one I hope to not have to continue often in my life. 

Tonight I've been rather frustrated with things, especially related to assignments.  But right now, I'm watching Wild Russia on the Animal Planet and it's hilarious!  Little wild hyperactive boars are hilarious.  This show is just making my heart sing right now, which is definitely what I needed to disperse the stress.  I should get this posted and then do my quick yoga/qigong routine and practice the energy balls.  I'm going to use that energy to try to heal my wrist which is exhibiting signs of nerve irritation from the computer. 

Just a note, even though things are kinda crazy and scary at times during the day, I am still overall very happy.  :-)
#9853

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Jax
  • Jax's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Academy Principal
  • Posts: 14816
  • Thank you received: 1849

Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Tonight I have insomnia, worse than the previous nights (with last night being the exception). Rather than fight it, I'm taking advantage of it. I have been reading some very fun and exciting kids books, a series about cats called Warriors.  While I could probably read another book tonight alone, I felt the urge to do my energy training. I did my normal yoga and qigong exercises and felt energy being released from some sore tight spots.  That's a first for me.  After my hands felt hotter than before, but that could be because I turned off the ceiling fan so I wouldn't get too cold. (I need to turn that back on soon because I'm very warm now). 

I made my energy ball and now knew what I was looking at.  I decided not to try to do anything, just practice seeing it.  For many minutes it was very chaotic, with little swirls and pools, nothing that coalesced into anything stable.  I just kept breathing and observing.  Eventually it did start spinning, primarily counter clockwise, though it went both directions at different times.  I played around then with the shape and compressed it with my hands.  It did form more of an oblong shape, distinct from the sphere, but after a few moments expanded back to what I can only call it's natural size and shape.  This was in spite of my hands being farther apart, so that was interesting.  In between all of these experiments I made sure I strengthened it so I wasn't destroying it before I meant to.  I then separated my hands a bit and tried to make it move.  I was surprised at how unsuccsessful I was.  I couldn't get it to move at all!  So I reinforced it again and tried to go the other way, thinking maybe it was an issue with one hand vs the other.  That seemed to push some of it, but mostly cause it to dissipate rather than move as a single entity.  Clearly I have a long way to go before I'm throwing energy balls and playing catch with anyone!  Finally I wanted to see if that spot was any warmer, and it definitely was!  When I ran my hand through it the spot was definately warmer, even as it was dissipating.  I no longer have doubts about what I'm doing.  I can't do anything with it yet, but it's an important step to increased confidence as a healer and possibly as a warrior. 

I know there are many more things to work on just with this ball.  After I can observe it easily I will want to work on manipulating its size and shape.  I would like to learn to put enough energy into it for it to be seen, at least in darkness.  I'd like to be able to see the color more clearly.  Finally I want to be able to move it.  I will also need to practice with Carrie to see if I can see anything she would make.  I should also try this during the daylight some day and see if I can see it then as well.  But all in time.  I should meditate, though I'm not sure what about yet.  Perhaps tonight I can have a vision that will help me understand what is going on and what I should be doing currently regarding my job situation.  In any case, I feel very good.

And just a note, to keep track of it, we had another attack this evening.  It was organized by another 'old thing' who sent minions this time on a timed attack for when the defenses were weak.  They attacked Carrie's animal guide, who is really a part of herself, then went for her.  My animal guide was also injured in this scuffle, but he'll be fine.  As usually, I'm the only one to not be hurt, but I have different protections and a darn strong wall that isn't going to come down willingly for any stranger, especially one intent on causing harm.  I want to ask about this though, once everyone has healed up.  I wonder if we leave Texas if these things will leave her alone.  At the least it'll take time for them to find her, and in that time she can grow stronger.  I trust that this will all be as it should for us to perform our mission here on earth, whatever that may be. 

haha, I have waxed poetic long enough.  Apparently I'm rather talkative right now, thanks to all the good energy.  :-)
#9925

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Jax
  • Jax's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Academy Principal
  • Posts: 14816
  • Thank you received: 1849

Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Wow, I just realized how hard it is to start... we were attacked again tonight.  It's only been 3 days since the last attack.  It's very persistent, but we've learned some more.  I'm going to try to write this down, but I know some won't understand it and some won't believe it.  That's fine.  I need to write it down and some people might get benefit from this.

It started when Carrie said she felt weird.  That could mean many things, including seizures, that one of the guides was going to channel through her, or that something was wrong elsewhere.  She asked if someone was in the house, so I asked if she meant beside T and Leah.  She's had a bad seizure day (as we expected) so I didn't know if she remembered them.  She said yes, besides them.  I sat next to her and told her we needed to make a bubble, since she hadn't been attacked yet.  Then T popped in to tell me to get Savannah, her animal totem.  I didn't know exactly what was going on, but she explained how to call her.  I had to make an imaginary line between my heart and Carrie's, and then imagine it going out to Savannah because Carrie calls her from her heart.  I did that and it got her to back off.  I learned after that as soon as this being broke through the lines (populated with very young spirits so it was like kicking toddlers) she attacked - a brave and very foolish thing to do.  When I called her it caused her to break the attack, which allowed her to get help.  Even so she was hurt pretty good again. 

Shortly after, this thing started talking from Carrie's body.  She's so weak right now that it could get in pretty easily.  I'm never sure what to do when this happens, so I just take my hands off Carrie's body and try to stay calm and buy as much time as possible for the guides and reinforcements to take care of him.  He started talking his normal line about us being stupid for thinking binding would do anything to him.  I honestly said I didn't have anything to do with that (because that's all done by the guides).  I basically refused to answer any question or comment directly with one exception.  He tried to get me to let go of her.  He said, she's mine.  I simply said no, she's not.  We went back and forth with that a few times.  He said she would take her, and I said she won't stop doing what she does just because she's dead.  That's when he said he'd get to me then.  I said no to that too of course.  He told me to just let go of her, and it would be over, to just let go.  I refused.  He threatened to take out our animal totems, one by one, and her, that he would destroy everything around me.  I still said no.  Honestly, why wouldn't I chose my living, physical wife over a non-physical entity that I can only occasionally sense?  For such a smart entity it's quite stupid sometimes and definitely doesn't know me.  Then he started to look uncomfortable, fighting something.  He said I had to call them off, that he would pull every ounce of energy from her body if they pulled him out of her.  I said they know more than I do about all this, I'm not going to call them off of anything.  I simply called his bluff and put a crapload of faith and trust in them, knowing they would do whatever they could to protect her.  I learned after that at this time, Caller (my wolf) was basically biting the equivalent of his leg (I think) and Leah was pulling him out another way.  Caller got banged up, but he'll be fine as well.  I got worried when it seemed like he was trying to hold his/her breath, but that didn't work.  Finally they got him out, and I then turned my attention to keeping Carrie here, in this physical plane and focused on staying here. 

I figured her energy would be very unstable and she could end up very hurt if I let her fall asleep.  Monkey (our younger cat) came up after a few minutes and laid on her.  He has this ability to send healing energy and I know he wore himself out doing that for her.  It helped a lot though and gave her enough strength to stay here.  After a few minutes Leah came and told us that it was ok.  We were both a little heated, not with each other, but about the situation.  I was pissed that it took that long for reinforcements to arrive, and for them to get him out of her.  I was pissed that it even happened again because this happened just 3 days ago.  I know it isn't T or Leah's fault, I was and am pissed that the higher ups, whoever they are, didn't see the seriousness of this situation until now.  We are now protected with multiple lines of warriors, all experienced and strong.  In the meantime they are working to figure out just how to destroy this soul, which I've been told is not an easy task nor one to take lightly. (or perhaps it is, I don't think you want to take a soul darkly ;-) )

Leah told me I had to get Carrie to figure out what she learned from it though.  Because it touched her, she also touched it which means she knew it.  We know it's old, ancient, very smart, but very arrogant.  Usually dark entities present themselves as something else first, to lure you into security before they start telling you things and manipulating your.  This thing doesn't.  It presents itself as itself the entire time, yet it still gets people.  It tells them things, gets in their head, until they give up and kill themselves.  It's definitely not nice.  It's arrogance will be it's downfall though, because it's giving the guides and others what they need to know how to take it out.  So I'm glad it's arrogant.  It also makes it easier for me to stall when talking to it and to call its bluff.  At least I'm hoping it's a bluff.  In the end, we learned a little more about what it really wants.  This makes me uncomfortable to say, but it wants me.  Carrie said he calls me moses, or like moses, because I'm leading a small (but key?) group of people out of the darkness.  People that he said were supposed to follow their 'natural' path to darkness and to his realm.  What I'm doing is unnatural, as is Carrie because she rescues people from his realm.  That's why he's still messing around with us instead of moving on to easier targets - we are taking away people that he thinks belong to him and are breaking the natural order.

After all of this, I talked to Phoenix about this a bit.  It's quite possible he is one of those people.  I wanted him to know that it's more important than ever to stay with the light path.  Now I know I'm risking a lot - I honestly never thought this had any risks to me at all.  How could it, I was just helping people find their path toward being a better person, a higher form of their self.  I had no idea there was something out there pissed off.  This thing is not the Devil.  There is no single being who is the Devil.  But in a sense it is like the Devil, and it feels it has a right to people.  I disagree.  I believe that every soul's natural path is toward the light.  We may wander, but every soul has a core of light, even the most dark, small souls.  There is always that spark of life and light in it.  I believe this to the core of my being.  This is what makes me strong in the face of this very nasty being.  I have no wavered on this belief, even when it has gotten angry for my beliefs.  It actually feels a little weird to have such a strong conviction about a spiritual belief because I never had that growing up, even with all the beliefs I learned from my religion.  There was always a nagging doubt in my mind.  This is why I feel I can say, I know we are light at our core.  No amount of darkness can destroy all of the light.  And that is why, no path is natural that leads to the darkness.  We see this because it brings suffering into our life, and still more darkness.  Our natural path, spiritually, is to the light - to return Home after we die.  Not to go to a realm ruled by some thing that thinks itself an important and powerful being. 

My spirit is strong.  My resolve is hardened.  Even if it were to succeed and take out everyone around me, I will not stop doing what I do.  This is why I'm on the Jedi path - I didn't know before this year when this started to happen.  I have to keep providing the tools for everyone who wishes to improve their self rather than fall into darkness.  It's not about defeating this spirit, but doing what is right. 

I find something interesting though.  Today, literally minutes before this happened, I received my third (and I expect final) carved wolf totem.  It is much larger than the other two, almost twice as tall and made of lapis lazuli, a stone that is often a shade that matches my aura color.  Not only that, but this little wolf, it looks so happy.  I look at it, and see a wolf howling and singing with pure joy in its heart. That's the reminder I need.  No matter what happens, life is about joy.  This wolf arrived just in time. 

I don't know how long of a reprieve we will have, or how long it takes to destroy a soul.  I should probably feel more compassion, and in a way I do.  I wish it could have been saved in some way, but that is beyond my abilities, and of those above me as well.  In order to save many others, it must be destroyed.  I believe it is important to approach this task without hate or malice (wow, where'd that word come from? lol). 

I haven't slept more than 4 hours the past two nights.  I had one night of sleep between two nights of insomnia.  I hope I sleep tonight.  But I made a decision this weekend that I would approach this insomnia with my best.  I would allow it to challenge me to be a better person, to fight with everything I have to be a better person in spite of it.  Life will never be easy.  It will never allow me to just be in balance due to ideal circumstances.  I can't wait any more, I have to do it myself.  So I've chosen to handle this insomnia better.  I haven't let it frustrated me, I've seen it as a gift...a very strange, not very funny gift, but a gift none the less.  So far it has worked, and I'm grateful for it.  I will strive to continue this because I'm seeing results and don't want to slip into my own darkness either.  I think I'm rambling now... lol

I'm going to order some food, spend some time breathing, and then decide what I need to do tonight.  Once again I am not leaving the house so Carrie can heal faster, and I have to stay relatively quiet so she isn't disturbed.  Perhaps I will study and then go to bed, hoping for a good night's sleep.  And maybe if I'm real lucky I won't dream that the President was killed by a lone gunman (another funny phrase). 

Last but not least...if anyone has read this and felt fear, don't.  Just keep training.  I know I will.
#9964

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • David (Phoenix)
  • David (Phoenix)'s Avatar
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Jedi Healer
  • Posts: 2436
  • Thank you received: 453

David (Phoenix) replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Well Like I shared with you, I think I'm fairly OK.  At least for now, I made it up that ascension ladder.  I don't find it the least bit odd that I would be one of those key players.  My bear said he will definitely be keeping a more 'present' presence for a while to be safe.

I'm thinking that maybe why I was more aware of him lately anyways, he did it out of protection.  It brings me back to when we first met, I was in that cave..yada yada.  So yea, that carved totem...I may see if I can find one of the bear.  It might help...

Phoenix

"...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. " ~ Theodore Roosevelt
[/table]
#9965

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Jax
  • Jax's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Academy Principal
  • Posts: 14816
  • Thank you received: 1849

Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I just did my yoga/qigong routine, though the ambien is kicking in.  I then tried to play with the energy ball.  This time was more like the times a few back, where it was random, repulsion forces all over the place, definitely no ball.  I believe there will be a way to measure this force however.  It'll take a little playing with, but it should just require some basic physics experiments - a current balance for starters.  I'll have to look into the things I'm thinking of.  I should be able to get a cheap version of things without too much trouble.  How cool would it be to not only show we can do something with the force, but to measure it as well?  Anyway, ambien brain so this is as far as I can go with it today. 

I wonder if this chaos in my hands is due to the chaos of the day.  Plus the lack of sleep.  I'm going ot bed, read a little if I don't feel like instantly falling.  These Warriors books are quite catching, even though they're for children.  I recommend them to everyone who has children.  There are lessons about loyalty, bravery, doing the right thing, and taking care of the environment, taking care of each other, even our enemies.  Just a though :-)

Off to bed for me.
#9969

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts: 1861
  • Thank you received: 37

inari replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I wonder if this chaos in my hands is due to the chaos of the day.


I would not be surprised if it was due to the medication. The physiological effects on your body of the medication would interact with your energy body in some way (not sure which way) but since it is a sedative I wouldn't be surprised if it had reduced your control and caused (or contributed) to the 'chaotic' feeling.

I'm now going to bring something up that I am pretty sure you're not going to be happy with me about for bringing up. I thought I'd post here instead of in a PM because a few people have expressed concern to me about this, only in the interest of your and Carries well being. I am also speaking now in 'health care provider' mode.

I am concerned about these increasing 'attacks' that Carrie is experiencing, not in a spiritual sense as it seems that between her guides and yourself any spiritual aspects are being taken care of, for now. My concern is about the psychiatric implications behind them. There have been studies which indicate that seizures can cause or aggravate tendencies towards various psychiatric conditions, in Carries case I am concerned about possible personality disorders. I cannot remember if the neurologist appointment has already been or will be soon, but if you haven't had it yet I urge you to consider discussing these attacks with the neurologist. It could be that they need to be taken into account when prescribing medication, and/or some additional treatment might be needed. I know why you might be reluctant to mention them, it's complicated I know. I'm just worried that a focus solely on the spiritual aspects could compromise Carries and your personal safety. You wrote that this entity is after you, and if it managed to gain control of Carries body...well, she's a good bit bigger than you and I worry about that. 

Another suggestion could be to look for a well trained shaman, preferably one with additional training in psychology. You could try the Healing the Light Body institute for a suitable practitioner; or perhaps Angelus might know of someone.

Please, please, don't feel that you have to handle this all by yourselves. Here's a hug for both of you *hug* and remember, I'm speaking as your concerned friend.

With love,

Inari.
#9970

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Jax
  • Jax's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Academy Principal
  • Posts: 14816
  • Thank you received: 1849

Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

This isn't a psychiatric attack or episode.  It is a real, physical attack by a non-physical entity.  It's goal is to get her to stop and then me to stop doing what we're doing.  We're all watching her mental state closely.  There's no outside health provider that could begin to understand what is going on without their own beliefs getting in the way of just dealing with what is.  We don't need someone calling it a demon and giving it more power than it has, and that's what happens with a lot of people.  Or they go the other route and call her schizophrenic, which is also definitely not the case. 

In the end we may need someone to help us with the physical side of any actions to take this thing out.  Once the guides are healed up enough to help me do a cleanse we'll do that to help remove residual energy and help her feel better.  But honestly, I'm fine.  My shield is too strong for it to get to me physically, which is why it's going the mental route.  We are definitely not going at this alone, there is now so much protection around here, we should have good protection for a while.  I have some ideas to protect her better as well.  But I don't want to pull anyone in too much and put them at risk when they don't have the same level of protection.  Gotta get to work.
#9972

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Jax
  • Jax's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Faculty
  • Faculty
  • Academy Principal
  • Posts: 14816
  • Thank you received: 1849

Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Oh, and yes there is some element of medication interference I'm sure.  Last night I took a lot (still a safe and allowed dose, but it hit pretty hard).  But it really seems to depend on how hard the medication hits.  I'll try to pay closer attention to that in my next practice sessions, perhaps try to do it during the early evening and then right before bed again.  I wasn't feeling the energy as strongly last night though, so that can be yet another contributing factor.  I'm very tired and need to get some sleep, but that's minor.  :-)  I'll try to take better notes so it's easier to see just what the contributing factors are.  Just another experiment. :-)

And Inari, I know you're speaking as a concerned friend, I appreciate that.  This stuff is all hard to talk about, as I don't know all the details and I'm working hard to keep my ego brain from inflating this into a bigger situation, and thus giving it more power.  I'm also trying to do whatever I can to improve the situation.  Unfortunately there isn't a library out there where I can just start looking up demons and their weaknesses like they do in Buffy. hehe  Instead I get a good chance to trust the team around us and trust that they'll do the right thing.  I'm still confused how the higher ups didn't see how serious this was.  I guess it shows that even they are non omniscient, so we have to always own our lives, not leave them to chance by handing them over to things that, while having a higher perspective, also don't know what is right all the time.  Educated faith vs blind faith when possible.  That's an important lesson I suppose. 
#9973

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts: 930
  • Thank you received: 71

Beral Khan replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I am sorry your family is going though this.  I do have a question, if I may. Are you experiencing this after you take a dose of Ambien?

I used to trust my force of Will.
Now I trust in the will of the Force.

Jedi Communication? Well its removing assumptions, questioning the absolutes, and asking for clarity of statements.
#9975

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts: 558
  • Thank you received: 109

Angelus replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

We don't need someone calling it a demon and giving it more power than it has, and that's what happens with a lot of people.

Unfortunately there isn't a library out there where I can just start looking up demons and their weaknesses like they do in Buffy.


Surprisingly when you name something ...correctly.. you are actually showing your power over it. To know and use a name is a sign of authority. Hence why you see in exorcism movies priests saying "in the name of Jesus I command you [insert demon name] to leave [name of possessed]" It is also why in 12-step programs people must first admit to their addiction - giving a name to that thing that has possessed them. For now they are taking control.

These past few days/weeks have been very odd energetically speaking. For those who truly open themselves us ...without setting an intention...one can reach deep within and pull out some very primal energy and not be in full control. I suspect some of this is going on, especially when any drug is used. Additionally, the more tired you are, the less in control you will be. So there are quite a bit of contributing factors. Nevertheless, a door was opened and things are trying to rush out. Since we are the ones who made this mess, the higher entities are letting us sort it out. We must be held accountable to our actions.

Given the complexity of the issue, it does need a community to help. I am with Inari on this one. You need to approach this on multiple levels - body, mind, spirit. Not just for Carrie, but for you as well, Jax. These episodes take their toll on a person.
#9976

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Time to create page: 0.117 seconds