Jax Training Journal

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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Late entry... re: Salt Lake City, Utah.

Drove through SLC in September 1999.  Was expanding into middle to upper income yuppie-ism.  August and September is VERy hot, humid, and the smell from the great salt lake is NOT pleasant.  SLC residence daily pray to the great one for inventing air conditioning for homes, cars, and work... and sprint to each to keep out of the humidty and ucky smell.

There are those who love the place... but primarily those who visit in the winter when it's nice and snow covered and running off to surrounding areas to ski but... those who can not afford to 'do that'... it's where they have to be.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

lol, thanks Kol.  I was there in late spring and it was beautiful.  However, it turns out there weren't job openings up there (as of yet).  I have applied for 2 positions: Air Force Material Command which would be (hopefully) Albuquerque NM which would be an awesome place to live.  The second option for them is Edwards, which is the northern part of the Mojave desert.  I already lived in the Mojave when stationed at 29 Palms and don't want hot desert again.  The other job is with the Navy in the Whidby Island area which would be nice too.  But honestly, I think I'd rather start with the Air Force doing research, building confidence and experience with them, and then go to the Navy so I don't have as many security (confidence) issues when surrounded by sailors (and more important, Marines).  Plus, I really want a chance to live in Albuquerque after I've learned about it.  There are 4 aikido schools, perfect weather, mountains, snow, and within driving distance to so many awesome places to vacation... yeah, I'm just a little excited to have this chance.  Hopefully that's where we're headed.  But I don't know what the Force has in mind (wish my inner self would talk so I knew what was going on and why lol)

Have you been to Albuquerque?
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Just a quick little note about some info learned today.  I asked a woman at work if her husband was navy or air force, to see if he maybe knew people in any of the areas I've applied.  He doesn't, but it turns out she knows 2 or 3 people who work in Albuquerque for the air force!  She's emailing them tonight to try to get me a leg up in this process.  I also received an email from a high school friend who works with the air force and she was able to at least get a little information about what they research where, and is on the path of the air force liaison who I may be able to contact as well.  So, all in all a good networking day. 

Then, tonight I read my forecast for the week from Trish at astrosabiana.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

A butterfly with the right wing more perfectly formed.

Focus on your cocoon. Nobody can touch you now. Free from guilt, you can retreat into your own circumstances with no arguments. Just when you think you won’t be able to get away… you do. The issue centers in your most hopeful wish. Your intuition is accurately honed. Wishes are coming true! Sure, you are scared and it takes a little extra to keep you in balance…but its only because you are caught up with past feelings. When you emerge at last you will know the satisfaction of having your needs met beyond your expectations. For you, an old Irish blessing,
“May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun.
And find your shoulder to light on.”
To bring you luck, happiness and riches.
Today, tomorrow and beyond.”

I have definitely felt like I was safely in my own cocoon today, and feeling strongly that I'm on the right path with this decision.  I can't wait to see how it all plays out (because I believe it'll be good lol)

I was also able to finish and submit 2 assignments today, leaving just one big one.  Then I'll start getting them back with comments to fix and expand on so I can milk these for a little while.  I plan on talking to my manager (a good one) to see what my options are and to ask her advice of how to make this have as little extra impact on people as possible.  I'm hoping to do some side projects for the group so I'm adding something of value before I leave.  I believe that people are reaping what they have sown, and I do not need to lash out, punish, or exact revenge in any way.  This is a great situation for me so far, so they really did me a favor.  My soul thanks their souls - just not their normal every day consciousness. ;-)

And now, time to hang out with Carrie for an hour before bed.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I waited too long again, as my ambien has kicked in.  But, I want to note that I found some motivation and energy today. I don't know why, where it came from, it was just effortless to do things.  That's the way it's supposed to be for a normal person really.  It was quite interesting.  Then, this afternoon for about an hour I was feeling waves of energy or something hit me, making me dizzy.  I couldn't figure out the source.  Then, it hit very strong right around the time that Michael Jackson's daughter spoke at his memorial (according to the twitter), so it's possible I was catching the strangest waves of grief.  Part of my mind was there, and while I was recording it at home, I couldn't watch it at work life.  Who knows.  All I know is I cleaned tonight.  I boxed up my old star wars books to pass along to Andrea and her children.  I cleaned out the mouse cage (boy are they happy) and cleaned up the cat's litterbox as well.  I'm just...catching up!  I think I've released a bunch of energy that I was wasting on my job and am now cleaning up my life.  And I think things are going to move.  I've talked to my manager, and I think I'm making the right choice.  I'm finding peace among the chaos of work.  We'll have to see what tomorrow brings though.  Got a script meeting and need to pre-plan that so I can argue it well in the meeting.  I was hoping to avoid this meeting, but oh well.  As long as the shuttle launches the sim will get bumped to the last week of July, so that's fine with me. 

Alright, time for bed.  Finally tired enough to sleep, I think.  Way too much energy today, still. 
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I have a friend who's been fighting cancer for a year or more now.  She was just approved for an experimental medication that is supposed to stop tumor growth, though it's minimally tested on her cancer (but with great promise). She was supposed to go into the hospital to get a new fancy portacath which would allow them to put medicine in as well as take blood out.  When she got there she had a fever and heart irregularities, so they hospitalized her.  Yesterday they took her for a CT scan suspecting a partially collapsed lung and instead found a lot more cancer... Up until today, I felt like she would beat this in time.  I wasn't worried and just did my best to help her face this with a good mental state.  But right now, my stomach feels sick.  There's a small fire in the pit of my stomach that I pray is simply fear and not intuition.  I'm glad I'm not there because I don't want my own fear adding to her own.  But I also wish I could be there to help out.  We've been friends 10 years, though we haven't seen each other for about 8 due to living across the country form each other.  I guess I'm just sad and scared and wanted to write this down, hoping to look back in a few months after she's turned a corner toward remission and say yes, that was just fear you felt.  I know this is her soul's journey, but I can still be sad and scared for a little while...
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Two in one day.  It's turning out to be a very up and down day - which is actually evening me out to be kinda blah in the middle.  Today a woman from my group was able to tell everyone she is pregnant, which is nice because she told me months ago and I've been wondering when we could speak about it lol.  Then I told another woman in my little office area and she said she's pregnant too!  This is her 4th though, but still unplanned/unexpected.  They're due within a month of each other.  lol  There are so many babies here, it's crazy.  So that's all good news.  Then I found out about my friend being sicker.  on the plus side she got her first dose of medicine, so at least they aren't waiting!

I also had a chat with the guy who was looking to be fired.  Turns out our branch chief doesn't want him fired, didn't even want him on disciplinary action.  So that's a little confusing, but I think everyone is learning to traverse this stuff.  I also don't think they expected to be fed false information which made him look bad when he was really doing well.  So now she knows to be cautious of information being reported to her.  She knew there was a clique, but didn't know the clique was actually feeding false information to her and others.  I wonder if they'll actually face the consequences of their actions in lost integrity at the least.  hmm...perhaps things really are changing at deeper levels than I realized.  I've read about this, that people engaging in old behaviors of manipulation and power plays wouldn't be able to continue doing so without it backfiring.  This is the first time I've seen it in person, at least potentially.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  Everyone is still looking for another job, because you have to, but our perspective and understanding of this situation is changing all the time.  It's becoming clear that the problem isn't who I thought it was, it really is just one or three people, which is good news. 

I guess this means I have to rededicate to my job though and start studying hard so I don't make this process extra painful!  At this point, there's so much I could think about I'm going to use work as an escape! :-D
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I forgot to discuss my energy play from last night.  I've been struggling with insomnia for about a week now, even with Ambien.  I went to bed late last night as well.  To help me sleep I did the two yoga poses I remember (and that help me relax and focus), followed by two qigong moves to further relax my back.  I noticed the energy was flowing pretty well, so I decided to sit down and play with it.  I started to experiment with how it felt first.  It was like compressing a spring when I brought my hands together, but without much resistance.  I really noticed it when I relaxed and moved them apart, it felt like there was more energy pushing them out.  So it's like a spring that doesn't offer resistance when compressed (which isn't possible lol).  That felt pretty fun so I played with it.  I tried to make it into an energy ball which isn't usually too tricky, but this time it was.  Instead of it coalescing into a ball it felt like...almost like two randomly shaped 3D puzzle pieces that don't mesh.  So you can try to push them together and they just slip and slide, leaving holes where the pieces stuck out.  Hard to describe.  I then tried to smooth it out, working it like dough, compressing and stretching as well as forming it into a ball as if it were a snowball or something.  It helped a little, and felt interesting, but didn't do much.  I don't know if this is because of my frustrated mental state (not actively frustrated, but it was below the surface) or because of the medication interfering.  After a few minutes I finally gave up and put my hands together and dispelled the energy. 

I did fall asleep, but was woke up about an hour later (which is the absolute worst time to wake me up) to help out Carrie so I was very frustrated and angry having my sleep interrupted and then further screwing up the sleep cycle.  I'm still frustrated with it today if I let myself dwell on it.  It doesn't help that it's getting close to my bedtime and I'm wide awake, but whatever.  I'll head that way before too long once Carrie gets her Guitar Hero physical therapy in and a shower.  I can read a bit of a manual, that'll get me good and tired. ;-)
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I just played with energy again.  I stayed standing after and played with the energy.  Again, it's counter intuitive.  I feel a repulsive force when I move my hands away, but an attractive force moving them toward each other until they're about 3 inches apart.  I played with it for a while, then focused on building energy until it built a strong field.  The affect was amazing.  My two hands were interconnected as if by magnetic field.  Moving one just a little produced similar movement in the other hand, but respulsive.  I finally walked into the bedroom, maintaining my focus, and asked carrie what it looked like - she said it's gold.  That's a surprise, usually my stuff is blue.  She couldn't tell what the shape was, but made me step away because it was making her face hot, which was odd since I didn't feel it.  Though now I'm quite warm having moved it.  To dissipate I started at the top of my head and moved my hands down, keeping them about 2 inches from my skin.  I could really feel the interaction in the lower 3 chakras, like it was pulling at those areas.  I did it again, then put my hands together and allowed them to cancel each other out (like grounding a circuit)

Very interesting, phenomenal to feel, and now it's time for bed.  I wonder about the gold though...
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

My friend, fighting cancer...her lungs are failing. I learned it through twitter, which I was checking on my phone while walking to my car for lunch.  I literally stopped in my tracks, which has never happened before.  I don't honestly know if people come back once their lungs start failing, but they don't expect her to live more than a day.  We're very sad and hate being so far away.  Even so, there's nothing we could do.  We sent our well wishes over text to her girlfriend, a person I've strangely enough never met.  I told them both that we love her and that if she does go, she'll be ok.  She is at peace with this, which is good but also scares me more that this really is it.  We went from ok, and the excitement of starting a new experimental treatment to being on death's door in a few days. 

I know this is her choice, and that she'll be ok, and the chances of her surviving are beyond minimal, but I hold out hope.  We've been friends almost 10 years, since I was stationed in california, and have stayed in touch mostly with instant messenger since then.  We were always too poor to take a trip to visit, and then both her and Carrie were too sick.  Now we may have run out of time and that sucks. 

I'm really too young to have so many sick and dead friends...
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

For the few that don't read my blog, my friend died about 2 hours ago.  I'm sort of in shock.  She was 29.  Talked enough elsewhere, just adding that maybe that feeling yesterday in the pit of my stomach was a real signal.  It is the first time I felt real fear around her.  It makes me worry that I can't always trust my gut, that the absence of feeling doesn't mean anything.  But I'm going to resist the urge to overthink this.  It's possible that I won't get a gut feeling until the future has solidified, which sometimes only happens right at the end. 

I'm going to focus on the good things.  We had 10 hours of warning from the time we knew her lungs were failing until she died.  I learned it before lunch so I could tell Carrie who could then have me pass along through text that Ellen inspired Carrie with her bravery.  It provided closure to know Ellen knew how much we love her and care for her.  That will help us grieve and move on.  And I'm glad she had her family around, and that her girlfriend has her family around to help her go through this.  And I'm glad Ellen has a well deserved rest now. 

Now if we could stop this streak of friends being real sick and/or dying, that'd be awesome.
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