Jax Training Journal

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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Today was interesting.  For the past few days, I've been really pissy for lack of a better word.  I tried to take a salt bath the other day, just to have the water tinged brown (makes me worried about our pipes) so I settled for a shower.  Yesterday I just didn't have time for anything but a shower.  Neither shower was very effective at cleaning up my energy.  I also didn't get enough sleep, and have been sleeping separate from Carrie because she needed a break from the bedroom which she was seeing as a prison (due to being home and in bed all day every day).  Then, today I was at work for only an hour before I got a text saying Carrie needed to go to the hospital, and that we should go to the big public county hospital in downtown houston.  For those who have never experienced huge public hospitals, think ER, but bigger and crazier. lol

I've noticed lately that the more I allow myself to see it, everything is truly in divine and perfect order in life.  Like anticipating a person trying to merge into the same space as I was heading toward on the freeway.  Or going to a hospital that finally lets her see a neurologist.

While waiting for hours in this holding area, where literally beds of patients are as little as 6 inches apart, there was a rather upset man who was literally cursing staff members in voodoo (if Carrie hadn't told me he was really doing it I would have thought he was messing with people, as crazy as it sounded).  I decided it wasn't nice to have that bad energy floating around, so I put up an energy wall.  I was going to put him in a bubble, which would contain his energy and send it all back on him, but I didn't have the heart to do it.  I also didn't think the staff was really in danger.  So instead I just had a wall up next to him which blocked most everything to the left of him (our side) which also protected quite a few patients and staff.  It felt quite strong, strong than my usually shielding is at home, which surprised me since I was tired, hadn't eaten, and wasn't fully focusing on it.  At one point they wheeled him away and I moved the wall with him until he was gone.  It was actually kinda neat to do that for so long.  Later I also put a bubble/shield around Carrie and I to just reduce the amount of energy so she wouldn't get quite so frustrated with the situation.  

On the way home I asked the guides and they said yes, I was unusually strong today.  They don't know why.  Leah thought maybe I was feeding on frustration, but I honestly wasn't feeling much frustration or consciously feeding on it.  I have another theory.  I spent the entire day reading the new Star Wars Fate of the Jedi book (#2).  I know it is only fiction, but I have found that reading the fiction helps me subconsciously believe in greater abilities and use of the Force, as well as increasing the expectation that it should be easier to tap into the Force.  Quite simply, it erodes at the logical resistance to Force abilities.  Thus, I can more easily do things, and can do them more effectively.  I've found this to be the case with other situations as well, which I still need to write up. (I faced my first old, negative entity, aka demon of sorts, and was able to stay calm, but that's a long story and I'm very tired)

Another set of reminders that if we aren't tested, we can't grow.  

Edited to add:  I remembered another piece of the puzzle that I think leads toward my theory vs the frustration theory.  All I had for breakfast was a bacon egg and cheese hot pocket (basically, a pocket sandwhich).  I didn't have anything beyond a fancy iced coffee right after that until I was kicked out for shift changeover at 6:30 pm.  Yet through all that time I didn't get hungry.  Usually I start to feel sick if I go 6 hours without eating, much less 10 hours.  Something else was sustaining me, without me doing anything consciously.  I believe I was simply connected more strongly to the Force today, for whatever reason.  Then I was rewarded with the best quality chicken sandwhich I've ever had from a McDonalds.  I know, it's not awesome food, but it was the only option and really hit the spot.  :-)

And I was feeling frustration at different parts of the day, just not when I did the shielding, and I still didn't consciously use it to fuel anything, just worked on releasing it.  Who knows?
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

My greatest challenge is a lot like a game they have in the New Jedi Order books.  There are two teams, and a ref.  One team sets the rules, and it's the refs job to figure out what those rules are.  I do believe this is my life right now.  I don't know who all the players are, and I definitely don't know their rules.  But in order to survive the match I need to figure out the rules, even as they change for different players.  Then I have to follow them...not forever, but for about 3 months.  If I can do this, figure out the game before me, I believe I can succeed at keeping my job.  Just another example of how the Jedi fiction can be helpful in real life! :-)

And if I can't succeed, I have placed feelers with my old mentor who has a lot of people who owe him favors on the west coast.  I love my job here, but I don't love the weather.  Also, I have to admit the thought of being close enough to train in person with my first mentor, but as equals in some areas is thrilling.  Oh, and finally having mountains and seasons, instead of hot and warm.  But we'll see.  I haven't seen anything happen lately that wasn't in perfect divine order, and I will continue to trust this process.  My higher self is kicking ass!  For my part I'm taking daily salt baths that help clean things up.  Yesterday I just laughed, so much had to be released.  Today, just a little quiver from my stomach where I sat with nervousness and worry at work.  But that is gone, replaced by faith and living in the moment. 

On an unrelated note, I am sad Michael Jackson died today.  I'm not sad because he was famous or anything like that, I'm sad for the little boy, thrust into situations he couldn't understand, exploited for his family, who grew up into a very confused young adult, and then to a creepy adult who may or may not have molested children.  He was a troubled person, who never had much healthy guidance or simple love in his life.  I am glad he has found peace now, but wish he could have found it when he was alive.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I need to write about what's going on, but can't do so publicly in my blog, as it involves my job.  I started working in the space program 15 months ago.  I was assigned a person as a mentor who was mentoring for the first time.  We didn't hit it off as friends, but I figured it would be fine because this is just a professional relationship.  Well, she got pregnant, and then was out for 2 months almost with the baby.  During this time I was falling behind at work.  This was not her doing, but she was not the pro-active mentor that some other people are.  So, when she returned, she let my own work stress her out, even though it was fine and I was getting back on track.  (behind is a relative term anyway)  So over the past few months, people have been making judgments based on perceptions that weren't based in reality.  (This is why we spend time talking about perceptions here).  However, these perceptions were then brought to the management.  My manager and I talk fairly frequently now, and she at least has my side of the story, but it's very hard to overcome perceptions. 

All of this would have been ok and not a huge source of worry until the past month when the guy currently finishing his certification was failed on the oral board portion (multiple days of testing on the different system we're responsible for).  He's a solid person, and good at his job, yet they failed him on subjective areas.  It really seems like someone is simply gunning for him so they can fire him.  Within 2 weeks I believe he'll be fired, which is insane.  Our group has so many things to do, and they're firing the person next in line to help out?  But I'm reminded that people are not logical, not even engineers who think they are.  Considering he was a stellar employee until we got a new group lead, and is now looking at firing, my chances are even more slim.  Basically, they find us to be a liability, though I don't know in what way.  I think the big troublemaker for me is my (now former) mentor, who didn't want me ruining her reputation.  So she complains about everything.  She's also a highly judgmental person.  She's part of a group of people like this (basically the women unfortunately) who have never experienced hardship in their life.  Thus, those of us who do have families and struggles seem to push some hidden button which has triggered their sabotage.  But that's just a theory, I really don't know and may never know.

The guy and I are watching each other's backs though, trying to be prepared for anything so they can't surprise us at least.  Last week he told me of yet another complaint - cell phone use - of which I don't use that much.  It's just another excuse to say I can't handle this job.  But really, at this point, I don't want to.  Who wants to work with such petty people for years?  The only people that aren't on the receiving end appear to be the kids fresh out of college.  There's a theory there about some members of management trying to relieve their youth, but that's their issue. 

So, I decided it was tie for a backup plan.  I clearly can't risk being without a job for any real length of time, and with the economy as it is, I need to plan now.  Thankfully, my first Jedi mentor is a guy with great connections and resources.  I talked to him about just feeling things out and he already has leads for me.  Apparently some family members do similar things with the nuclear industry in Utah and other places.  If I could get on out there I would continue doing what I love - training - with the added benefit of living in a place surrounded by beautiful mountains!  The climate is better, it's closer to friends in Oregon and Vancouver (though farther from home, so travel would definitely be by plane), and MOUNTAINS!  lol  I noticed as soon as I spent any length of time in Houston I felt a strong desire to be in the mountains.  There is no elevation change in this area, and though the beach is nice, it isn't enough.  My spirit yearns for cooler weather and mountains.  Plus, Utah has some of the most beautiful national parks I've ever seen. 

Clearly a part of me really wants to move.  The part of me that gets in the way is my brain and concern for others' reaction.  For instance, everyone loves saying that I work at NASA.  Hell, I love working at NASA.  I don't love dealing with the people.  And if I am fired, I don't have much choice about staying here anyway.  The harder decision is if I survive this somehow, and also get a job offer out there.  How do you say, thanks for certifying me and investing all this money, now goodbye?  I guess you just do it!  Because, again...mountains!  lol  Also, I think my mom is concerned about changing jobs again.  There can be a stigma attached to changing jobs every few years, I understand that.  But it can take someone a few tries to find a place they want to stay for a decade or more, and I'm not the type of person that tolerates bad decisions well.  It seems to take about a year and a half to determine that, at least for me.  This is right around when the Marine Corps went badly and I made the decision to leave. 

My concerns for me are that I'm simply running away from a bad climate and people and not finding a way through the situation.  Therefore, I'm still going to try my hardest to resolve this situation.  I didn't have that option in the Marine Corps because I couldn't be me.  Here I have been me, but a few people just don't mesh personality wise I guess.  It's strange because I don't interact with them that much, so I think it's perception again.

However, this all may have nothing to do with doing something wrong.  It could easily be that we need to move to align with our path further.  This year is all about everything aligning.  While I have learned to enjoy some aspects of where I live, it isn't home.  It doesn't make me feel good, and I need that.  Carrie has also found herself dreaming of mountains since we got here.  I believe we are meant to move northwest, before she starts her music career perhaps.  I don't know what will happen, or when things will happen.  All I know is I have faith that it will be the right outcome for us both.  So my challenge is to keep my mind out of it as much as possible and just allow it to happen.  I'm pretty sure I know what I want to happen though, my heart feels so filled thinking of the beauty of Salt Lake City...

Oh, and the added bonus?  Getting to train in person with my former mentor.  We might actually start a Jedi chapter up there at that point.  He knows a lot of martial arts that I don't know, and was trained offline for much of his life (originally as a sith, for lack of a better word) so he has an entirely offline based viewpoint that I look forward to learning from.  He also has an adorable little kid and dog that would be fun to play with. lol 

I'm keeping my faith in my higher self, that it is orchestrating everything so it works in divine and perfect order.  And I will keep my brain busy with studying so I don't get in the way any more than I already have. :-)
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Just talked to Brandon and apparently he doesn't live in Salt Lake City, but somewhere in the middle of the desert.  But he does get up there occasionally, and moves around a ton when he finds a better business opportunity.  Either way, I still want to live surrounded by snow capped mountains.  :-)
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inari replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Got some snow capped mountains right here, right now lol!
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

find me a job ;-)
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Wow, ask and you shall receive!  Note, I don't believe all astrologers are gifted, nor do I believe they should be followed blindly.  But this individual is gifted, and simply uses astrology as her tool.  I've known her writing for a few years now and continue to find myself amazed how well things line up at times.  Basically, when I need a message, I can often find it with her forecasts.  Not always, but today...definitely.  It just reinforced what I was feeling but was too afraid to accept.  This is the snippet: (note, the rest of the forecasts can be found on her main website www.astro-sabiana.com

Astrology forecast for the week of June 29, 2009
Advancement, tradition and the unconventional will be subjects of the week with a quarter moon start and a grand trine with Moon, Mercury, Chiron, Neptune, and Jupiter all involved. A grand trine forms a triangle in the sky of planets within the same element. This one will feature the air signs. The issues are revolving around what is healing. We are at the threshold of great things in the month of July. Our route will depend on how we drive forward, how we work with others and the principles we uphold on the way. The first quarter moon at 8 degrees Libra is symbolized by this sabian symbol: In the depths of the woods is an abandoned farm; in the deserted house a fireplace blazes merrily and mysteriously. We can all benefit by being conscientious. These are momentous times…even for those whose resources are low. To read more see your individual sun sign…

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Two girls playing with a Ouija board.

Focus on transformation. A big change is happening and it will be the catalyst into getting what you want. The issue has been about holding back and waiting. Though you have the strength to proceed, it is not the time and that can be nerve wracking. Your intuition is leading you in the right direction though. Concentrate on righting what has been wrong. Create busy work for yourself that will contribute to reform. Listen to all the voices coming at you from the ethereal realms. You will have so much magnetism that you will be able to relate to Steven Wright when he said, “I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.”


I sent her a message asking her to read my journal entry above and to ask if that was the type of thing she was talking about, as well as if she had any more information based on my specific birthdate. Her reply:

I think those job prospects sound fantastic and I love how happy you seem when you blog about it. I think a personal reading would have much the same message as what I wrote in your horoscope. Focus on what you want and make it happen. :)


And my reply

yeah, it'll be a process. I mean, I wouldn't be fired until October based on what they did/are doing to the other guy at work. He already has a job lined up, so he's just waiting to be fired while trying to follow all the rules they setup for him. He's a very religious person, but not one of those asshole religious people. I've liked him from day one. He's personable, was a corpsman in the Army, served in combat, so dealing with the petty issues these other people have just isn't worth it. And I think that's my thing too. I've got a wife who has a major illness, yet is still an amazing light worker who does a job no human has ever done before while in physical form. So yeah, this stuff is so minor in the big picture it isn't worth stressing over. If only they knew what they were missing and what they're wasting energy on. But that is their path to follow, right? Not everyone awakens at the same time or pace, and I guess not everyone will awaken. Perhaps as they raise their children. I hope that is the case, because I hate to see people stuck in negative behaviors.

Thanks, this writeup really was another example of how everything in life is in divine and perfect order if you can just let yourself see it. I have been seeing this every day in large and small ways. So while I'm not hearing voices per se, I see the actions and events and am amazed by it.

And now I'm feeling all full again. I crashed out this afternoon, no idea where the energy went, but it's back. I think my heart will explode - not many messages stronger than that! :-)


So I'm listening, and learning to listen better.  I'm going to finish up some chores and then meditate.  I was thinking of playing Sims 3, but don't really want to.  I'd really rather meditate today.  Amazing!  An interesting day, and I expect it to become an interesting summer.  I wonder if my apartment will let me out of our lease early?  :-\   :saber I can persuade them perhaps ;-)

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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Demon part 3
I give up on 'negative entity', especially while typing on ambien.  So it can call itself a demon if it wants, though it still doesn't have a name.  When it does give a name, it gives a common catholic one for people to go on a wild goose chase for.  I received word about 10 minutes or so before hand that the demon had taken out a few of its guards who got too cocky.  They're ok after some rest.  They were pretty sure where it was going, but expected it to double back and head to Carrie.  So we prepped in that time.  I put on a Marine Corps blouse and shorts (didn't want to be naked, and wanted the strength it provides).  Carrie had a smoke.  I burned some sage to get myself calmed down.  This things' goal would be to get me angry as well, and I wouldn't allow that to happen.

So, it comes and makes it's smart ass remark about the sage making him mad or something.  I said it wasn't for you, it's for me.  He asked if I really thought it protected me, and I answered truthfully.  No, but it helps me stay more naturally calm.  When I'm naturally calm I'm more naturally protected.  Seems logical to me.  He asked where my little friends were (as if I'd know, I can't see any of them most of the time) I said I trust them, and they're nearby.  He said I trust too much, which I said is probably true.  In the back of my mind I was also thinking there's a lot of protection around, they're just waiting for the moment.  I knew I had to talk to him and try to piss him off.  He said he was going to kill Carrie, and I said no, you're not.  I think that's when he said I really don't know what's going on.  (I didn't) That yes, what Carrie's doing is an abomination, it's me who's the real trouble maker, the real target because I teach her things.  I teach other people, and that spreading of knowledge is the real threat to their way of being.  They thought if they took out Carrie they would stop me.  lol  no way.  I'd be devestated, but I wouldn't stop teaching what I know about the universe, spirituality, and love.  They tried to get me to have doubts about everything - what if her seizures are caused by them? (they aren't).  They haven't tried to physically get into my head yet, they can't get close enough.  I hope it stays that way.  This just shows how important meditation is.  Those times of silence with yourself helps you know who you are and allows you to maintain calm when faced with a bully of an evil spirit that just wants to mess with your head.  Sorry buddy, but my head is too strong.  My spirit, my warrior spirit, serves me well, and it isn't going anywhere.

Except to bed. I'm exhausted due to my meditation that I took 2 hours ago and had to stay up and be clear headed enough to philosophize with a demon.  How boring lol

Oh, and Phoenix, a message for you from my guides.  Stop playing around with things in meditation.  Don't go looking for things (you know what I mean).  Stay right where you are, focus and clear.  The answers will come in the silence between breaths, not by going on a wild goose chase.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Tonight I learned a high school acquaintance has contacts with the Air Force Material Command, which I applied for positions with.  Currently I have asked for either Kern, CA or Albuquerque, NM.  Reading about NM (shorter to type that Albuquerque) it's perfect.  I drove through there once when I lived in the Mojave Desert and it was nice. Big mountains, with desert, yet still trees and they get snow!  It's cooler than here, with much less humidity.  It's desert without being a hot desert (average high temp is 92 in July, which is the hottest month).  It's also much cheaper to live in NM than in CA, which is a plus.  I'd prefer a bit more moisture, but the low humidity with mountains is good.  And, I would hope in the future I could transfer to another base in the pacific northwest. 

Tonight, Carrie said she knows that I'll get a job offer soon, and that we'll be moving before the end of september (because I'll be taking the severance package).  We talked about our fears, and working to keep them in check.  I'm planning how to make this easiest.  For instance, we'll be giving away a lot of larger furniture when we move, which we planned on replacing once she got her backpay.  It'll make things easier and make it more of a fresh start as well - wherever we end up.  One advantage of NM is that it puts us within 2 hours or so of my previously mentioned mentor.  If we aren't in Washington (state), close to our friend in Vancouver, then it's nice to be remotely close to someone I know.  Also, it was rated the second cheapest vacation destination in the US in 2008.  It's also voted as the best year round weather in the US with over 300 days of sunshine a year!  I like rain, but wow, that's amazing!

So we'll see.  I'm going to try to force myself to not worry about it this weekend, since I know I won't hear from anyone during the holiday weekend.  Instead I need to focus on cleaning the house (the recycling is very backed up) and doing the homework for my job.  Even if I'm not going to stick with it, I need to keep up with my work so I don't get in trouble.  Maybe I can take on a last project once I put in my 2 weeks notice so it's not quite so awkward. 

And a clarification of last night's post - that was the 3rd post on the same entity.  Apparently real life with spirits is not at all like video games, where you can make things go poof.  That's too easy. ;-)  Well, time for bed.
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David (Phoenix) replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

If only we could make entities go poof...where's that innocent smiley?  ;D

Anywayssssssssss, tell your spirit guides I appreciate the message, and that it is duly noted...silence in the breaths.  Very interesting that I read that now.  I was talkign with someone who told me I have to find that settling in an unsettling situation..and that I had associated that with peace, balance, and stillness.  Then I was struggling with how to get that, but between the breaths.  :meditate :meditate


Phoenix

"...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. " ~ Theodore Roosevelt
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