Jax Training Journal

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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I need to disconnect from my family again.  I thought, perhaps, things would be different when my grandpa had his heart attack.  It seemed to, people just talked about hoping he gets better and all that.  And then he died and little things reminded me that no, this extended family will probably never be whole again.  I thought the comments in his obituary about being a christian were heavy handed, but it wasn't that bad.  It really bothered me because it reminded me that religion split this family.  Today my mom sent me the email my aunt (married in) wrote to the Patriot Guard Riders requesting anyone who could to attend my grandpa's funeral (he was a WW2 Navy vet).  I was happy the PGR were there when I was sent the picture, but reading that email just pissed me off.  It wasn't the bible verses which I used myself while in boot camp to draw strength from.  No, it was the audacity with which she said 'all us believers will be reunited in heaven'.  Which really means, all you who don't believe like me are going to hell, and I'm going to remind everyone of this even when they are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Now, I don't believe any of that, not even in the slightest bit, but it pisses me off that she is still managing to find ways to be superior than everyone else and hurt everyone else around her.  I know this is probably sounding like I'm overreacting, there's really just so much history to this, today just brought it all back up.  I can't believe this poison is in my family and there's so little I can do.

Growing up in a Lutheran school I would hear the question, "What if you're wrong?"  The answer implying that if you were wrong about whether religion was correct that you would go to hell.  That was supposed to scare you to stay on the right path.  But now I think there's something worse.  See, even if you aren't a believer now, according to my childhood religion you could become a believer on your deathbed and still go to Heaven.  I think it's worse to be so convinced you're right, that you're righteous and thus better than everyone else because of your religion.  When people use this as an excuse to treat people poorly, to say mean things to them, using the excuse that they could just be a believer and then they'd be 'good' again...that results in a lifetime of negativity.  Last time I checked, Jesus told everyone to love one another, not to judge.  He didn't say, tell everyone their going to hell when they're grieving someone (this has happened on more than one occasion.) 

I'm just so sick of this hypocrisy.  More than that, I'm pissed off that this situation has caused me to lose so much ground in healing my issues with christianity and religion.  This has been a process I've worked on for many years and now I'm distracted by it again.  What I think makes it so difficult to move beyond is that I can't find the right words to say to my family.  I don't think it would help to say, you're a hypocrite!  And until I can come to this completely from a perspective of love I can't do it without tainting the process and creating more drama in the family. 

My aunt told me to focus on creating good memories.  This was before my grandpa got sick, but maybe she was warning me exactly for this situation.  So I'm going to breathe for a bit, go do some cleaning and be productive while our Thanksgiving meal is finishing up.  I'm going to see just how quickly I can return to a place of serenity.  This issue runs so deep I'll have to do an awful lot of internal cleaning to get it out of me.  I just need to find my joy in this holiday season.  I had it not long ago, I'm sure I'll get it back quickly, hopefully before my food coma. :-)  (and actually I'm starting to feel better already...sometimes you just need to write without worrying about the wrong people seeing it.  Unfortunately my personal blog is read by family members occasionally and that will ignite a firestorm that I don't want my parents to experience.)

I'm not a Christian.  I will never be because I've never seen Christianity that doesn't have some element of this poison within them, that those who don't believe are doomed to punishment. 
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zen-ryo senshi replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Amen!  Jesus said, "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another," but too often Christians are known for their judgementalism instead (which Jesus specifically admonishes against).  The bible makes is clear that no one ever saved another - only Jesus saves.  When you read your aunt's email or hear other similar things, don't take it personally.  Even if she meant to refer to you, she is not responsible for your salvation and your are not responsible for hers.  If she says something directly to you, be thankful that she is concerned about your soul, even if her concern is misplaced.  Smile, thank her sincerely for her concern, let her know that you are not ready to talk about it, and change the subject.  In the short time I have been here, I have learned that you are an interesting, conscientious, and benevolent person with fewer failings than me and certainly deserving of love.  I hope that you are able to feel God's love sometimes, even if it's not connected to anything Christian (or maybe, especially if it's not).

I hope I'm not being too preachy.

If I speak from a good motivation out of sincerity, respect, and love for others, my actions are good, virtuous. If I act from a motivation of pride, hatred, criticism, and so forth, then my verbal and physical actions become nonvirtuous.

- 14th Dalai Lama

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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

That's not the way she works.  When this all started up a few years ago it literally split our family in two.  And in person, she's the most fake nice person you'll ever meet.  It's quite creepy.  She's not doing anything directed at me in particular right now, it's just that onthing changed, even after someone died.  It's stupid.  Just another reason it's helpful to be 2000 miles from home.
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  • Memnoich
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Memnoich replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

ahh, the weekend christian rise's again. It was people like your aunt that made me start to question religion. Preaching about love for each other and take care of each other, but most of the time acted worse then non-believers, acting superior to everyone just because they were so "religious". Jax, Know that is about who you are, what you carry in your soul and heart, not about which preacher you listen to. Religion focus's so much on which one you are, that alot of people forget that know where in the bible does it state you must be this religion, all others are SOL. All will be good, and hopefully soon your aunt will realize what she is doing and what she has done, and rectify the tarnish in her soul.

.oO Memnoich Oo.
"Do or do not, there is no try" ~Yoda
"Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased." ~Spider Robinson


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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Today we went to the Texas Renaissance Fair, which is a huge fair about two hours from where we live.  A lot of the things there aren't based in...reality...but they're quite fun.  You can see my pictures here , including me and my wife with Santa (haha).  There was one really awesome booth for Angel Sword, custom swords made for actual use - though I'm not sure what you'd use them on... lol  In any case, this is the first time I've held anything but the decorative katanas.  There's a distinct difference when a sword is real, no matter what style.  It was quite interesting to feel all of these different swords.  Unfortunately they're quite expensive at this point in my life, but it's something to consider for the future.  Of course, with kids in the house any swords would need to be in a locked case because these are incredibly sharp.  Check them out online at http://www.angelswordstore.com/

I almost forgot!  I got a lot of exercise today.  There's a lot of walking inherent in a renfest visit, but for the last hour we rented a wheelchair and I got quite the workout pushing Carrie around.  On flat ground it isn't that hard but this is hard dirt that occasionally gets soft, is uneven with a constant obstacle course through people.  I was worn out!  lol
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

Last night I tried meditating before going to sleep, since I was still fairly awake though I had taken my ambien.  I had some very interesting experiences which I can attribute much to the medication.  Not that they didn't happen, but the weirdness of the experience. First I was just doing my deep breathing and feeling like there was energy flowing kinda funky around me.  I was playing with it, feeling it make big circles around my upper body (mostly the head).  Imagine a sphere about a foot or so out from the surface of my head.  It seemed to swirl, and I could feel it twist more like a corkscrew action rather than a circle on this sphere.  (there's a scientific term for it but I forgot).  I tried to get it to stabilize, so it would be a nice circle right down the center of my body and that was incredibly difficult.  I think this is because of how I sense and use my eyes as extra cues to help me direct energy.  One would be slightly more dominant so the energy would shift that way.  I played with it for a while and eventually drifted off to pseudo sleep.

I woke up, well, sorta, and everything was real hazy (my memory especially).  I eventually realized I may be away from my body so I tried to move my physical body, which didn't work.  I heard Carrie make a noise in her sleep and I tried to speak back but that didn't work.  I stopped fighting and instead tried to experiment.  While I've had astral experiences before I've never had any amount of control over them. I still didn't find much control.  I got a little scared and tried to make light, since I should have some control over the environment.  I was able to get light but it was then like everything was real bright - basically like my options were black or white, no contrast.  My attempts at a happy medium pretty much failed.  The last visual I remember was of being on a dark country road with trees on the side, a sense of some fields behind the tree line, and it seemed like there was debris on the road.  Oh, kinda like in the new Terminator movie, just stuff on the roads but spread enough that you can avoid the debris.  But it wasn't desert or anything post-apocalyptic, just a visual example for people.  Anyway...since I couldn't make it more bright, I decided to just suck up my fear and start walking down the road.  I made it about 2 steps and poof, I was back in my body!  I haven't had a chance to ask about it.  My initial thoughts were that I wasn't supposed to go anywhere.  Or, it was all a drug induced dream lol But every sign pointed toward an astral event of some kind, so I don't think it was that.  My guide, in the few words he's spoken to anyone, has a role of protection for me and we have an agreement that he will hold me back from things if it would be detrimental to me.  Hopefully I can talk to the guides today and find out what they think. 

Whatever happened, I'm glad I had some control.  I gathered my fear and set it aside.  Much of the fear in the astral is related to fear that my body is 'unprotected', even though that isn't the case.  It's a common experience for people.  I've noticed my reaction is less fear based lately so that's a sign of progress.  Also, my vision in the astral is often poor, so this isn't a surprise.  I did eventually have some visuals so perhaps it's just an issue of fully committing to it so my brain is processing that stimulus instead of the stimulus in my physical body.  The brain can really only commit one experience to conscious memory so maybe I finally broke through to making the astral experience more dominant, and thus the brain thinks it's more important to remember. 

And no, I will not use ambien to train with, I was just trying to help myself get to sleep last night and this happened spontaneously.  I simply observed and experimented with that observation. I do not believe in using drugs to 'aid' in training because I don't think it's really that helpful. 
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I gave my 2 1/2 month notice today.  It feels weird just waiting to see what happens.  My fear of confrontation is kicking in a bit, as is my overthinking of how I should act...lol  It's good training though!


I never heard from anyone to know if my manager talked to the other manager.  Oh well, I have a meeting tomorrow so then for sure I'll know.  I did tell a few people, that was nice to do.  But they were all people I could kinda consider peers so it's not like talking to the certified and experienced folks.  It'll be fine in general, just awkward at times. 

I did the math today and realized if I put in just 2 weeks of slightly longer hours we can enjoy a 2 1/2 week vacation for the holidays!  Woohoo!  Longer hours sucks but it's not like I have to do manual labor, just keep myself from being too bored. lol  Work right now is an exercise in discipline and focus, which I need to work on.  I may not be learning anything in particular but I can use this time to build character so I'm in a good position to start the new job. 
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  • David (Phoenix)
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David (Phoenix) replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I remember when I put in just a TWO week notice with that chiropractor job and how akward it felt..so I can kind of sympathize.  My first two week experience was easy because they didn't require me to work it out.  But the other one just got worse and worse, and the chaos got out of hand!

:ponder  Hmm, that wasn't where I wanted to go with that.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I sympathize to an extent and hope (and know) everything will work out well for you!!!!

BTW: Your just not allowed to leave the U.S.;) 

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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

So far things went fine.  A little awkward as some people adjust, since it was a sudden change, but nothing major.  My manager really appreciated that I came up with a list of suggestions for things to do until I leave.  :-)  So that's good.  And the task I have to work on is the one I wanted to do, so that's a plus!
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Jax Training Journal

I saw a ghost today!  I was walking to my car from my building at work, not necessarily thinking about anything when it dawned on me that I saw a face, very distinctly, on the wall of the building I was walking next to.  I saw this from 10-20 feet away (hard to judge distance in a split second).  When I realized that I was seeing a face it was gone, which is typically how this stuff goes for me. lol I wasn't sure if it was imagination or not until I got home and was able to ask about it.  Since the only other time I saw anything distinct like this was with one of the guides I wasn't sure if it was a more evolved spirit or an earthbound (what we typically call ghosts) but they said it was definitely an earthbound. 

Now, I don't actually care about seeing earthbound spirits, but it shows that my brain is very slowly opening up to a 'larger world'.  The more I can sense the non-physical the more I'm becoming in touch with the Force.  Thankfully I have a way to check my experiences, but I was pretty confident of the experience today because I also had a few sensations in my head immediately after and the visual was very different from making shapes out of clouds and other indistinct objects.  It's basically one of those situations where you know the difference when you experience it. 

I wonder if it's related to these feelings that I've had lately of, well, magick.  I've had this sense that I'm having real magickal dreams that I'm just not remembering, and that I'm capable of more once I break through some invisible barrier.  For example, I watched the trailer for the air bender movie and it felt like the 'air bending' he was doing isn't just theoretically possible but that it really is.  Not that it'd be easy, but it's becoming more believable, which makes it more possible.  Even if it isn't possible for me, it just opens up more doors and possibilities that weren't there before.  Either way, we'll see what happens.  I'm not practicing anything, just trying to maintain good feelings for the time of year and enjoy my life.  Being able to move things with the Force isn't all that important. :-)
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