StormyKat's Training Journal

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Jax replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

I'm proud of you! :-)
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Katie (StormyKat) replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

We are four days into the year and I really don’t even know. I have been working very hard at balance and being positive. I made a vision board for 2018. Focus on growth-Jedi, minimalism, meditation, blog, getting physically healthy. And really challangeing myself. I booked tickets to a blogging/social media conference I’ve wanted to go to for years with money I got from my birthday and Christmas, and some of the money I will save from therapy. I really am going for this “stay afraid but do it anyway” thing because I am anxious AF over this conference. This will be so out of my comfort zone!
I am really hoping to keep a good work/ life balance this year. Really live, and live in the now.
I was doing well until yesterday when I worked all day and part with an an awful coworker. I woke up today exhausted and grumpy. I am also SO done with this bitter cold weather. I realize I am allowed to have a bad day or two, and that I won’t always remember to journal my feelings daily. It’s ok. I only worked till 11:30 today, then did errands and am currently doing some online stuff at the local Catcade. That’s a cat cafe with an arcade inside. It’s crowded here so not as quiet a I would like, but I am hanging out in a room full of cats who want my attention. Unlike my cats who don’t want my attention.
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Jax replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

I can't wait to see what you get from that conference. :-) And I can imagine why a catcade would be so crowded! Sounds like a ton of fun! And a fun business to start in other areas.
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Katie (StormyKat) replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

I had an amazing experience last night. I feel this is the first time the universe has responded so quickly and so obviously to my requests and it is inspiring.

I hadn’t slept well for the better part of the week. I’ve been having very vivid, emotional dreams that leave me exhausted when I wake up. I hardly remember what the dreams were when I wake, but I know I’ve been running from or searching for something. One night was a work dream. I remember feeling emotional but otherwise I don’t remember anything. So this was really starting to wear me down. I’ve been grumpy and on the verge of depressed/ anxious for three days. Last night I tried everything I could think of and went to bed early. I couldn’t get to sleep initially. At some point I thought to ask the universe for guidance. If I was still going to have these dreams let me have the strength to stay open to what they were telling me. What was I looking for or running from in the dreams? I thought maybe if I could actually listen to what the dreams were trying to say, I could make the changes and get some sleep.

I finally got to sleep after my energy conductor cat came up and slept on me- he is the best when I can’t sleep. And I think he spent the night touching me. I had another crazy dream where I was with a group of people and we were getting attacked by this space bear thing. There was terror and running but then in the middle of the dream these protector fairy/alien spirit things showed up. They were terrifying as well, but they protected us from the monsters that were chasing us. Well they did once I embraced them... And today I feel rested and refreshed. I am so excited. Usually th universe is not so obvious in answering my requests.

Just had to share.
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Katie (StormyKat) replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

Despite my good start, yesterday was not my finest day. I let my horrible co-worker get to me. I was angry, bitter, rude, not kind. I let my dislike get the better of me. As a result I spent most of my day I miserable wreck and spent my evening depressed and angry. I woke up this morning and I could still feel the anger and hatred (because it was really that strong) boiling away inside of me. I laid in bed for a little bit playing games on my phone and hoping the energy super star cat would come up and cuddle me. He did. I laid there with my amazing cat on top of me and asked if I could give him my negative energy. I talked to the universe and for MBOs to let go of the energy and try to start fresh with this coworker on Monday. As I was lying there in bed I could feel the not of energy diminishing. I tried to sit with the energy while I was there and figure out why I was so upset with her, why I let her get to me. What can I learn about myself from this situation? And then I suddenly realized that both cats were in the room with me purring. I was eased back into sleep with their purrs vibrating the energy around me (and the assistance of the sleep music I had playing). I had some dreams that I don't really remember, just know that I was working out the rest of the internal conflict. I woke up much more calm and peaceful. I can have a good day now. I am so grateful to not be bogged down by the negative energy today. Now If I can keep up the MBOs and really work to accept this energy and what lessons it is teaching me next week. Because I have done this all before, and I am a much better person than I was the first time.
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Katie (StormyKat) replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

Prolonged stress and anxiety (sometimes in the form of anger, sometimes in the form of mental anxiety) have finally taken their toal on me. The past week I have had the worst physical symptoms of anxiety I have ever experienced. I returned to therapy last week, and hope to go again next week. I have frequent anxiety attacks at work. I am mentally exhausted. The anxiety has, as it always does, gone into depression. I am a wreck. Really trying to work my way through this without leaving my job. Because that creates it’s own set of stressers. And I am uncertain about leaving anything secure in this turbulent time with potential issues in American healthcare and the economy. Also, I am finally getting a chance to stretch my creative muscles at work. I am creating a marketing plan for the practice and I am so excited about it. I can totally leverage this to my advantage down the line for future jobs and/or with the company. I just have to make it down the line. Past the horrible co-worker who won’t go away. Past the stress of not enough money and not enough time to do everything. And, on a better day, I would say I know I can do it. After a full month of exhausting anxiety though, I just can’t handle any more.
I have taken a leave of absence from my diet (being hangry all the time does not help one focus). I am trying to really put my self-care time first. It is so damn hard though. If it ever stops snowing this week, I am going to go for a nice long walk to clear my head and get the physical exercise in. I have been meditating every day for a month! Yay me! But I really don’t know how much it is working.
The universe has been beating me over the head with 2x4s so I am going to pull back and reassess. Pick better mediation options. Get lost in some easy comfort reading. Enjoy time at home with my cats. Try to reach out to other people and use my support network instead of curling up in my head.

Also, I am diving further into my shamanic work. I learned that my Grandma is now one of my spirit guides. At a shamanic drum circle I went to in early January, I got several messages of strength. Hoping to go to another one this coming Saturday, but not sure if I will. It will depend, in part, on how exhausted I am. Since it is my Saturday off, I may just hide and home and “introvert” with book and some cats. :)
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Jax replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

*long distance hug* have you used your free trial of kindle unlimited yet? If not, I highly recommend it. There are so many great books available on there, and you can go for a month without paying for any of the books. :-)

It sounds like you are already making the changes necessary to move beyond the worst of it. Feel free to reach out anytime for a boost!
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Katie (StormyKat) replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

Well the universe finally played its hand out. Coworker quit last Tuesday. Only after accusing just about everyone in the building of harassing her and of filing a formal complaint against one co-worker for racial (religious) and sexual harassment (it didn't happen. Co-worker wasn't even talking to ex-co-worker at the time.) So we are done with her. It was a huge sense of relief when she finally left. I think everyone let out a huge sigh. I don't have to walk around on eggshells anymore, worrying about what this lady is going to say, or how she is going to respond to any little comment I make to her. I still feel the need to overly document everything, but I am sure that will go away in time. There was another horrible experience with a client on Friday. It left me ugly crying in the bathroom after she left. In the two months she has been coming to us she has been incredibly difficult and belligerent. She has no idea where the lines are and continuously insults all of us. She went from being annoying with lots of questions, to personally insulting me because she didn't like the price and couldn't understand that I have nothing to do with setting the prices. It was the final straw after a month of continual anxiety and stress. And I finally lost it. I feel very uncomfortable with the whole situation though, in part because at one point, while she was yelling at us to answer the phone, she mentioned she was autistic. And now I just feel like a horrible person because I wonder if some (all?) of her issues are in part of Autism. However, I suppose that is also not my issue to deal with. I know I was treated horribly by a person who has no remorse and who still thinks I am the idiot.

Anyways... my anxiety is over, which means I had an obligatory stint with depression. Three days, so not horrible. I am in a real funk right now. After a month long anxiety attack, and a slide into depression I have no idea where my footing is. Going to see my counselor again Tuesday. Trying to really put the brakes on while I sort things out. Making my list of stuff that hasn't gotten done. Doing my best (not trying!) to balance the get things done side, with the self care side. Because I can't stay in the "where is my life going" rut yet again. Balance is so hard to find and maintain. Meditating. Keeping a list of things I am grateful for/good things that happened to me. (Don't always remember to write in it). Working on getting back into my mindful habits. Getting back to all those little things that make the huge difference in daily life, but are ALWAYS the first to go when life goes sideways.
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Kol Drake replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

While you may not FEEL like this is warranted at the moment... I say -- congratulations.
A few years back, a time like this would have left you curled up in a ball in the corner... unable to function at all. This span has been tough on you -- and you have used your knowledge and will to keep your shit together. (ugly crying once in a while IS allowed)

I hope the time with your counsellor and some much needed sunshine are the jumpstart toward a smoother Spring.
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Katie (StormyKat) replied the topic: StormyKat's Training Journal

Thank you! I keep trying to tell myself that. Last week I had a really rough night babysitting-the youngest is in a phase of only wanting Mom or Dad and I am "Not Momma" and "Not Pappa" so therefore I am unacceptable. (Oh kids). I was really upset afterwards, she jangled my nerves and I felt bad that dinner was late. I got real frustrated because I felt like it was the last straw, but I still couldn't have my cry. So instead of getting upset, I really worked at re-framing and seeing that it was a GOOD thing that I had not melted down over a screaming child. And the other dozen things that kept feeling like 'the last straw'. Of course, years and years of negative tapes playing in my head has me seeing it in a negative light. I am getting there though! :)

Also, I just signed up for a kick boxing class. I'm real nervous about it. Let's see how this goes.
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