Dineara's Training Journal

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Kol Drake replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Getting older and maturity are not mutually exclusive. :P

But I like your thoughts here.
Sometimes it does seem like we make 'trade offs' as we grow and change. Less frivolity; more serious. Laissez-faire; wound a bit tight. These are the choices we make. Free Will and all that. But, as noted elsewhere, we also can choose -- at any time -- to change again and regain those bits we feel we may have lost when 'dropping ballast' and figuring out moderation is wiser than extremes in either direction of action.

Of course I get an age crisis a couple of times every year now (gosh, I'm almost 30 soon, have I gotten anywhere in my life?), but that's just the way it is and an age crisis is an excellent way to give a slap to my brain that tends to get stupid every now and then. Age is irrelevant, and if I play my cards right, it will only keep on getting better.


Being ANCIENT... I wave my cane in your direction -- stop making 30 sound like you are approaching 150.
Your late teens & 20s have been a time of exploration. To coin an old phrase, it was the time to sow your wild oats. (I suppose these days they are non-GMO, free range oats) It is *that time* when many look at their 'before time' and try to figure out where they want to head next. Luckily, with all your IJRS courses and your own poking about, you have some great tools to help you navigate the near future.

RE: Thrill Rides
Life 'thrill rides' as well as commercial attractions -- the appeal can come and go. I mean, as a kid I loved spinning and the up and down. The last time I went with my kids... not so much. I am not certain if the rides just aren't that exciting (expectation vs confirmation) or if I'm way too jaded these days about what I expect pertaining to 'thrills and chills'. Then again, I walk up to a simple display and turn into a 12 year old, staring at a fellow hammering iron into a simple blade. Tastes and attitudes change? *shrugs*

As far as adrenaline spikes riding 'tallest/fastest/loopiest' rides? I'll let you handle that assignment. I can be impressed with the engineering aspect without losing my pocket change (or my lunch).

Spirituality is another one of those 'never ending journeys' imo.
As we grow, we learn to move beyond blind acceptance to questioning. Asking 'why' is never a bad thing concerning this topic.

* Why was I taught this?
* Why do we/they believe the way we/they do?
* Does this make sense or is it 'taken on faith'?
* What is faith? And how does one 'prove it'?

... and on and on...

(and those are the EASY questions!!!

We touch on spirituality and 'what do you believe' here. It is a pretty personal thing... picking what you want as your inner/core belief system. Heck... ask two 'christians' and I suspect, once you peel back the generic answers, you will find two different concepts on what 'being christian' is for each of them. Yes, there are those 'knee jerk' responses but underlying that is the internal 'thing' they have embraced... that which they have created for themselves to make sense of it all.

Which might not be anything like what I or you conceive 'things' to be like.

Here is an article on Spirituality from Psychology Today, March 05, 2011:
What Is Spirituality?
Spirituality is like an adventure park waiting to be explored.
by Larry Culliford

It is not ideal to consider spirituality as a thing, an object. It does not have the nature of a specimen that can be dissected and analysed. Spirituality is better thought of as a boundary-less dimension of human experience. As such, it must be admitted, it is not open to the normal methodologies of scientific investigation. It cannot completely be defined. It cannot be pinned down. So... What are we to do?

Firstly, you don't have to give up! You don't have to be like people who equate spirituality with a religion they decide is false, then abandon. It is possible to look at spirituality another way, as something free of institutional structures and hierarchies, not so much about dogma and beliefs as about attitudes, values and practices, about what motivates you (us) at the deepest level, influencing how you think and behave, helping you find a true and useful place in your community, culture and in the world.

Spirituality can be thought of as the ‘active ingredient' of major world religions (and some humanistic ideologies too). Why not think of the spiritual dimension as a kind of adventure playground, a place to learn in and have fun, a place in which to extend yourself, to grow?

Spirituality cannot be explored using scientific methods because it involves deeply personal, subjective experiences, and in this it differs from the over-riding ambition of science: to be objective. Both are necessary and appropriate, complementary formulas for discovering ourselves, each other, our environment, the universe... and especially an enduring sense of purpose and meaning.

This brilliant adventure park contains many related themes. Some cropped up in earlier posts, such as the idea that the five dimensions (physical, biological, psychological, social and spiritual) are seamlessly interconnected. Others, such as the key role of the emotions, will be focused on in more detail in later entries. Here, I will just mention: joy and wonder, dualism and holism, and the two ways of experiencing time.

According to researchers, children's spirituality flows through their capacities for spontaneous joy and wonder. A sense of fascination, of mystery, awe and delight, are facets of adult spirituality too. However, by the teen years, most people have developed a powerfully ‘dualistic' understanding of themselves and the world, as if standing outside it. In this ‘self/non-self', ‘either/or', ‘right or wrong' vision of the universe, opposing features are emphasized: either young or old, for example, not both at the same time. Spirituality, on the other hand, involves a ‘holistic' appreciation of a universe in which everyone and everything is connected seamlessly with everyone and everything else.

The familiar ‘yin-yang' symbol demonstrates this principle of wholeness in all scales, from infinitesimal to cosmic, as follows: the dark ground (yin) has a small central white spot, and the light ground (yang) has a small central dark spot. The entire symbol is to be imagined as dynamic, constantly changing. Just as day and night forever precede and become one another, what is light gradually becomes dark, and what is dark repeatedly becomes light. The opposites counteract, balance and turn into each other, like the changing seasons of the year.

According to Taoist tradition, Yin (the dark) and yang (the light) are extended to include several polarized forces in the universe, including night and day, earth and heaven, yielding and firm, feminine and masculine. There are many opposites that similarly define each other, among them negative and positive, hot and cold, dry and wet, north and south, east and west, up and down, in and out, ancient and modern, evil and good. Without one, there cannot be the other. Wisdom involves remembering that such pairs always relate to one-another and are inseparable.

The two Greek names for time, ‘chronos' and ‘kairos', represent two types of experience that also interpenetrate one-another like the white and dark parts of the yin-yang symbol. Chronos is the familiar, mechanical clock time, advancing steadily in linear fashion, day by day. Kairos was the name of the Greek god who symbolized chance, fortune and synchronicity. He habitually came calling at the perfect moment, when all was ripe and ready. Kairos can therefore be considdered as spiritual time (or ‘God's time'), and has a different quality altogether from chronos.

Subjectively, when gripped by kairos, it may feel as if clock time has slowed down or stopped completely. Paradoxically, it may also feel as if it has speeded up, so that minutes, hours, even days go by in a flash. Some athlete's experience this, for example, when they get ‘in the zone' during a burst of peak performance.

Kairos is in play when things happen unpredictably, but at just the right moment. Eternity and clock time seem to intersect for human benefit and instruction. Such an experience, when something eternal appears to break through into everyday life, is an ‘epiphany'. Heaven and earth may seem briefly to coincide and... ‘Something happens'! Something new and profound, something inspiring and life-changing is revealed in an instant.

The new wisdom resonates powerfully with something already present, deep inside. It feels like a reminder and confirmation of something already known but forgotten. Such revelations herald a kind of awakening, a key moment of transition on life's journey towards spiritual maturity. As the fallen leaf never rises to rejoin the tree, so is this a point of no return. The significance of these experiences is re-enforced by ‘synchronicities' unexpected but meaningful coincidences; such as may occur when two people meet for the first time, who later become life partners.

Synchronicities and serendipities - unexpected discoveries - often go together. There is a kind of mystery about kairos. Kairos is spiritual time.

Joy and wonder, dualism and holism, and the two ways of experiencing time are just some of the myriad themes to engage with in the spirituality adventure park. Some of the rides may feel challenging, more intimidating than exhilarating at first. Later, with familiarity, the spirituality park may feel increasingly restful, like a beautiful paradise garden. Entry is free. We are all already in the park. Why not experiment using all five senses and your capacity for mindful reflection? Take advantage of life's literally wonder-full opportunities for excitement, learning and growth. Why hesitate? What do you suppose a person might have to lose?


I'm with you. As we 'grow up'... we oft times lose that child-like capacity for spontaneous joy and wonder. It can take effort to bring it back. Notice the author did state -- "A sense of fascination, of mystery, awe and delight, are facets of adult spirituality too." So it is NOT totally lost to us. We just have to work at it instead of it being so spontaneous, I guess.

* * * * *
Sorry this is so long.
You know me and a good soapbox lecture!
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Jax replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

What would you most like to change about your current life?
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

What the heck, I should get an email every time somebody replies to this thread but this isn't the first time it didn't happen! Too bad.

Well, to reply to Jax's question, I would like to change my mindset and cognitive patterns so that I'd be more inclined towards active lifestyle and doing stuff instead of finding it to be too much work and ending up doing nothing. I guess that's the biggest one right now. It kind of determines many factors of success and happiness for me - do nothing, feel like crap, achieve nothing. Do stuff, be active, move forward, reach goals, enter the military with at least some muscles maybe and stuff like that. I'm still not doing enough and I am seriously running out of time. I have four months to build a habit of exercise and make it intense enough to produce results - fast. Similarly I have four months to polish my mind in order to have the mindset of a warrior - I want to grow my comfort zone by regularly stepping out of it, make it easier to start doing things and get things done, have my actions be mostly productive, learn superb stress control skills and fill my head with thoughts and habits that will benefit optimal survival in the army and in life in general.

I tried reading one of my Buddhist books. It was about a western academic guy that left to the east in search of a guru, and thus, enlightenment - yes, a very typical setting. I read three or four pages, stated that I know all this stuff damn well already and ditched the book. Tried looking at the others, too, but pretty theories and nice wordings really are as far as it can get from what I need right now. I need tools and the will to use them.

Also, one thing that might be just as well said aloud at this point: I am dangerously good at getting excited about things and actually thinking that they are what I really want. It usually lasts from two weeks to a couple of months, and usually the things are just a diversion from what the actual problem might be (that is, trying it out and actually doing stuff instead of just dreaming about it?). So, that's a feeling I can't trust. Not in the least. Thus, I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea how to find that out, either. (Yeah yeah, I ought to go and try that stuff instead of just thinking about it.) Just recently I was actually thinking if I'd just ditch all kinds of academic studies and careers and become a car mechanic or something similar. That would be totally cool.

How can I be convinced that my interests are only a few topics and that I'm interested in everything at the same time? It's not once or twice I've dreamed about brain amputation. Might make things easier, you know. (Yes, I'm a sucker for quick and easy solutions!) And no, this is not something I have to solve right now, first I'll get to the army and hopefully come out of there after my service is over and not a day sooner. I'll have plenty of time to think about stuff there and after that. Just wanted to vent a bit, I guess.
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

30-60 minutes a day of exercise is all it takes.
You can include the 'warm up' and 'cool down' stretches in that time.
1 hour out of your entire day... and you will be in the best shape of your life.

Life long learning...
I am a strong advocate of that. I love learning. (I hate the tests and papers that colleges make you *do* to get it but...)
Being a perpetual student is cool. It also has a downside as you note. You cram more and more into your skull but... then what? What is the *use* of all that data/knowledge if you never DO anything with it? Create a new 'thing'; discover a new cure; open a new dimension; improve a single life... or life for millions... what good is it to know so much but never let it 'out'.

We must challenge ourselves to take risks. To not fear failure but to embrace it as the learning tool it is. When we fail, we learn, and then we can adjust our course to make sure our path is always forward. Like the process of annealing steel, we must go through the fire and be pounded into shape. The shape of a sword with polished edges and a razor sharp blade that will cut you in half if you are not equally hardened. Winning is fun and cool and great... but seldom teaches us much beside... we like being on top. (ego satisfaction) When we come in second (or dead last) is when we really learn our lessons. What we did wrong; how we can improve; what needs to change so "next time will be different".

To grab a moment from the first Captain America movie -- the military will try to mold you into their concept of being 'the perfect soldier'. Instead, you should strive to be a Good Person. The 'muscle', tech, mind set, and tactics are tools... it will be your heart that determines what kind of person (and soldier) you will be.
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Jax replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Your instinct is not wrong. It's when you take an awareness that say, in this moment this choice lights me up, and then you conclude it will always do that. But nothing works that way, not even marriage. Nor can anything 'fix' you.

There's nothing wrong with anything you are choosing. Or not choosing. Getting into the questions of life instead of answers will help though.

Start simple with just a few questions that you use frequently throughout the day.

1. What's right about me (or this choice or situation) I am not getting?
Ask this right now and see how you feel? A little lighter? Ask it a few more times. Take a deep breath. Relax.

2. What can I be or do different that will create the life I desire right away?
Again take a deep breath and then ask again. Just let the energy rise up and dissipate.

3. How does it get any better than this?
Ask this constantly throughout the day. It creates magic.
4. Ask the Universe to show you your magic every day.

Try this for today. Then at the end of the day notice what has changed. Then do it again tomorrow.


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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

"Sometimes asking questions is more important than finding answers. "
-- paraphrased in Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time: The Eye of the World


Asking questions seems to drive creativity. It cultivates an open mind. The questions we ask lead us to new knowledge. Questions drive us to answers we never thought to consider until we asked the question.

Of course one cannot simply ask question after question, without giving any thought to answers.

Questions lead naturally to a consideration of answers, which lead to more questions, which lead to more answers, which lead to more questions. The two move back and forth, like a lumberjack's saw at an old oak tree -- sawing through the rings with each back and forth motion until you reach the core.

Not all the questions may be worth exploring, but for every dozen, there is a golden one that causes us to wonder. The question moves us into an idea or answer we had not yet explored. The golden question cuts through several rings at once. It takes a bit of meandering until we find the question, but once found, it holds us with wonder.

The idea of asking questions seems benign, but as soon as you go down this path, it leads you to a mentality of questioning, and that mentality can be uncomforting. Obedience to authority, submission to the "right way" of doing things, conformity to a specific morality -- all of this behavior can rattle and crumble when you start questioning everything around you. Questions can be like earthquakes, making people who thought they walked on stable ground suddenly finding they are on shifting sands.

Humans are, at the core, introspective and curious. Our intellect is not merely a cleverness to build tools, but an intellect that comes from the questions we ask. If it defines our nature, why should we shy away from asking questions?

To take a page from Douglas Adam's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy --

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory mentioned, which states that this has already happened.


Never stop asking the questions.

* * * *

WHY accumulate all this data and pack it into your jello melon?
Because...

...because all those bits will link to other bits and at some time (not always of your choosing), wisdom and 'the right thing to say' will spew forth -- to a companion, a friend, a stranger, a padawan.

And, in that moment, all that questioning finds purpose and value...
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Asking questions is great, no doubt. I do that, sometimes more, sometimes less, but I tend to go back to asking questions anyway.

Questions like, "Since I am interested in occult pursuits and conscious and active self-development, how do I actually start doing it?" A smart person would ask something like "How can I change this right now?" and then go and do it, but there are more times when I am not that smart person than when I am. Oh well.

But, just a little something I'd like to share... I think I've learned to jog, finally. Today I broke my own record and actually kept moving for over an hour because my body wanted to (no surprise, the last time I went jogging was on Saturday...) and it felt great. Actually I could have gone on even longer. I, just, I am so happy. Who knew I'd be capable of this? What else am I capable of? I'm starting to get my hopes up a bit, here. (Also, as a side note, I lost almost 7 lbs last week just because I started intermittent fasting and begun giving myself actual food. I figured I'd still know how to do it, if I just put my mind to it.)
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Outstanding on the jogging front.
AND the losing weight effort.

Great work!
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

You're in the army now and that's what's been going on during the past eight months of inactivity

First things first: Happy birthday to me! Today, 3:18 am., I turned 29. Numerologically this means fascinating things. Not only does it make number 2, which symbolizes duality and how to surpass it as well as relationships and different perspectives, but also the master number 11, which is a number of spirituality, initiation and enlightenment. I am currently ongoing personal year 7 (a deeply spiritual number symbolizing introspection, universal understanding and perfection) which means I'm going to have a rather interesting year - and already have! It also means that I'm still not 30 yet! lol While the pseudo-scientific approach does bring a lot of fun every now and then, let's take a look at what's been going on. Knowing me, this is going to be long, so prepare thyself. Also, since I'm still in the service, this post is basically about my military experiences.

Faithful to my old behavioral codes I didn't really do any training last year because whenever I'd really have to do something I end up doing just the opposite. I've rarely reacted to stress in a constructive way and this was no exception. This caused me to be very, very afraid of walking through the gates of the garrison, as by not doing anything I had probably set myself up for certain failure. I had to fight a war with my head with who knows how many things and at one point I was certain I wouldn't go to the army because of ethical reasons (yeah, way to go, a month before the beginning of the service...). Luckily I've always been a tad too lazy to actually do anything to change things, so I never got around to deciding against going and sending papers and stuff to make it official.

So, there I went, scared to death like everybody else, with my brain as a weapon and my body as a burden. I remember thinking that I had no idea how I would react to the whole thing, how I'd handle it, and thus wouldn't have been surprised if I hadn't lasted for two weeks. Well, the moment we went to get our gear I was totally excited. The moment I first changed to the green uniform I was even more excited. And the first time I stood outside in formation and learned how to walk and talk properly - heck, that was frigging awesome! Seriously, the kicks I got out of all of that... Everything in perfect order, only one right way to do things - yeah, something my inner perfectionist totally enjoys. It was hard too, though. Simply all that walking we did every day was enough to make my legs hurt like hell, not to mention all the other training. But two weeks passed, two girls from our room quit, and I was still there.

And a little more time passed and I got ill just like everybody else did and I can't even remember how many times I've thought that I'm going to die right here, right now. The first time with all the gear on was a murder to my back and legs and everything, not to mention that I even had to walk in that thing... but I walked. I was always last, but then again I knew that was going to happen so it didn't really bother me. During the basic training period of two months I had countless moments of doing better than I normally could have. I just kept exceeding myself and my limits time and again. There was so much fun and amazing things in every day, and so much crap and suffering that if it wasn't for the awesomeness and some weird masochistic tendency to enjoy that crap (at least after it had ended) I would have quit ages ago. But I kept going. People dropped out for various reasons, and I, who was the bug in the system who shouldn't be able to keep going but still did against all the odds, was more and more surprised that I actually was doing that and had no intention of leaving. I bet I wasn't the only one who was surprised. This strange newly found perseverance woke up the sense of pride of who I am for the first time in my life. I was able to say that I was proud of every single day I had spent there, every single step I had taken. Proud of every moment when I didn't give up even though the amount of mental and physical pain has been completely overwhelming.

45 days passed and I was still going strong. Strong enough to officially become a soldier with no possibility of turning back anymore. I, against all odds, was a soldier. I mean, what the actual fuck?!?!! Still feels weird to think about it :D I gave an oath to protect my country and do my best and stuff like that. As I was trained in the artillery, I was now an artilleryman. Red is a cool colour and goes well with green, by the way. Then the basic training period ended and they sent me to another garrison for non-commissioned officer training... in logistics. I wasn't too happy about that, but after seeing how devastated the girls who got to NCO training in signal company were I must say I was perfectly ok with the choice. I mean, the thing I was after was leadership training and that's where I was going, so everything was fine, yeah?

The new garrison was a horrible place. It was so... grey, dull, ugly. I hated it. The room I was in now was a lot bigger than the previous one and I had to stay there with people I didn't know. The other two NCO trainees also hated the whole thing so much that the atmosphere was pretty terrible. Can't blame them, though, nobody wants to the logistics company. I was ill and feverish when I moved there and suddenly all my symptoms got a lot worse. The place is full of mold unlike my home barracks. I struggled through the first two weeks basically wanting to get out of there as fast as I can, but once again seeing others in the very same situation somehow made it easier and I was more ok with the situation. My health got better but coughing and sneezing and all kinds of weird symptoms from lack of mental clarity and odd pains remained. The leader of the course is an amazing guy. The sense of humor of this lieutenant is so black, sarcastic and completely wrong that I fell for him right away. If it wasn't for him degrading everything and everyone with the most delicate discretion it would have been so much more unpleasant for me. Couple that with an insanely strong professionalism... yeah, I totally dig him. What makes it more amusing is the fact that he is only two years older than me.

Anyway, I've been in the NCO training for three months now. The first part of the course went rather ok and I got some pretty decent results too, like the highest points of the course in a series of tests that evaluated leadership skills (with the best possible ranking, too, just like during the basic training period). I screwed up the physical test, though, which was a 7,5-mile run with battle gear. I then screwed it up again three weeks later because I had to run on an icy surface and it was slippery as hell. Then, a couple of hundred meters before the finish I had developed such a strong knee pain that I couldn't step on it anymore but somehow managed to drag myself to the end - which took way too much time, of course. After a successful self-diagnosis (later confirmed by the doctor) I realized I managed to develop an IT band syndrome, and of course such irritation and inflammation doesn't just disappear, so I had a hard time walking for quite some time. As if that wouldn't have been enough I got ill and what seemed like a flu at first just didn't go away. That was five weeks ago. Right now I'm at home on a sick leave because of pneumonia. I've been coughing nonstop for five weeks, I've had who knows what symptoms and it's been over six weeks since I've done anything physical. That means the end for my training. Even if this second set of antibiotics happened to work I'd still have to get back to training really slowly and carefully, and military is no place to enable something like that. Might be that I'll have to quit this business altogether to enable proper recovery - mold and breathing problems really don't go well together, and I feel like I already got what I came for.

As much as I've hated the course and struggled with it and myself, there have been some cool things too. In here I've learned the power of team spirit and met some very exemplary leaders who have more than earned their ranks. The group we have is great and people are really helping each other and pushing each other forward. It's the first time I've seen this work in these surroundings and it's rekindled some kind of hope in me - a hope that there might actually be a possibility for a group of people who work together for a common cause and do so in a constructive, positive way. All right, there's a lot of crap behind the scenes too, but I've gotten to witness something like this and it's amazing. There have been a couple of amazing individuals who've made me feel welcome and important, and the genuine interest and help that I've got from some of our leaders has been... a shock. I mean, one of them, knowing the trouble I had with my leg, came to me saying that he heard a wild rumour that a balance board might aid with the recovery. I said that yes, that's possible. He then exclaimed that he'd see if he could get me one. I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't mutter a word. The guy then came back twenty minutes later with a balance board, told me not to break it and left. My brain is completely incapable of processing events like this. And it wasn't the only thing. Things like these are something I wish to incorporate into my own being - of course, in my own way.

Also, because the past three months have been absolutely horrible they've forced me to grow a lot in addition to the basic training period. I've gotten stronger mentally and physically, though right now my physical fitness has pretty much disappeared and mentally I'm very tired and stressed due to having been ill for so long. I've become much more comfortable with who I am and like I said, I've found pride. After the amount of suffering I've been through I must say that little unpleasant things really don't feel like anything anymore. I am capable of so much and this experience has taught me that I truly can exceed myself again and again, that I have this incredible strength in me. I've found my warrior self, which is one of the things I was after. I've cultivated my leadership skills and I can be stronger, more assertive than before. I have grown a spine, my step is faster and my posture is better. The physical training has been very tough but it has enabled me to advance in other levels, too, and thus I'd say I'm a more complete and balanced being than what I was before enrolling. I've gained such confidence in myself that after taking such a leap as I did when deciding to go to the military and following it through I feel that I am capable of pretty much anything else if I so choose. I mean, I'm still there, I'm still alive, and I'm better than ever (that is, after I manage to get rid of this mystery disease which certainly has not been pneumonia for five goddamn weeks). And, as weird as it now feels as my health fails me and the days of glory are far behind, I can still say that instead of being no kind of warrior I've become some kind of warrior, and that one hell of a great advancement.

Not entirely bad, huh? This military thing was one of the best choices of my life, even if right now I'm ready to quit it at any time. Also, turns out I stuck with it long enough to get a promotion... ;)
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

So, my service ended on Wednesday and I've been "free" ever since. Walking through the gates for the last time was a weird experience and I have to admit crying to some extent - mostly because I was so happy that I did it. I mean, every single day in the military was every single day more than I originally expected to withstand, which means that being able to stay there that long with my own strength and will makes me a winner, big time. I guess, despite all the hardships I went through, I'll still say that it was fun while it lasted. I'll never forget an experience such as this. One cycle in my life is thus now complete, and that's how I really feel about it - not like I left something in the middle, but that I finished something. Funny, isn't it?

A week after my birthday, which means a week ago on Sunday, I had yet another enlightenment experience. I decided to remind myself of what's important by reading The Lazy Man's Guide To Enlightenment (actually finished it this time, lol) and then it just hit me halfway (and why wouldn't it have as I was reading it by putting my mind and heart into it). Now I've proven that the thing actually works, lol! Since I've been a fan of hitting my head on the wall long enough for it to break instead of using the door right next to me, I figured I might try something simpler this time, as the "biggest truths" in life are really the simplest (and yet so difficult to grasp...). So, I read a bit, fell in love with loving, and been loving stuff ever since - especially myself for not knowing how to love everything. Why did I pick up the book, then? Well, I've traveled consciously long enough to intuitively know what it is that I need (whether I like to admit it or follow that knowing is another matter entirely), and if there is a feeling of separation, there is need for union. I've been apart for quite a long time and seem to easily drift apart too, for some reason I enjoy that melancholic sense of solitude, but it's the things that are hardest that need to be tackled at some point. I mean, I have to learn relationship stuff too at some point, since I'm scared to death to that stuff. Re-learning to love is a good place to begin.

This time, though, I do things differently: instead of enjoying the feeling while it lasts and then forgetting the whole thing when it passes I consciously and constantly practice loving. I remind myself to do it every day and do it often. Whatever comes up, love it. No resistance. We are all equals. Just love. In order to truly make a change within myself I need to strengthen certain mental patterns and thus actively practice loving everything and everyone in order to learn to do that. I'm teaching myself a new way to be and experience the world. And yes, it's been worth it - life itself is the same, yet it ain't. The vibe is different. And I love loving myself, it feels great. It also brings so much color to the world... by that I probably mean energetically, not sure how to explain it.

Now then, lately I have been very very tired and easily overwhelmed. I am starting to doubt that my recent oversensitivity to everything has something to do with this new practice of mine - it started pretty much at the same time. My body's been having it hard due to stress and illness and I've been suffering from low blood pressure and thus a lot of dizziness when standing up, moving and stuff, and naturally have been very tired because of that, but I still feel that this is a bit different. I tire easily because I need to recover, but in addition to that I can't handle being in company of others for more than two or three hours at a time, after which I am totally overexerted and need absolute stillness and time alone to sort it out. I've needed time alone before, too, but this is way more than usually. Also, it's like the entire world is just too much, somehow. Today I was giving a speech in one camp's ending celebration, and before it I was sitting alone on a veranda in silence watching ants walk by (needed to get away even though I just had arrived) and the movement of the ants made me feel nauseous so I had to lift my gaze up. I've been doubting that I'm probably a highly sensitive person, but right now I'm starting to doubt that this is an energy thing (like that one is, too, but still different). I mean, life is so... full! All the noise, colors, life. Stuff! There's so much of it! Did I open a Pandora's box of sorts with my practice? lol Or am I just suffering from symptoms of changing an environment so totally (doubt it, I've been home for long periods of time even during military) or just being in such a bad shape physically that my body can't handle all the stimuli I'm experiencing?

No, this is me fine-tuning myself. Right now I'm picking up tons of stuff. I just released all that isn't me and now I feel quite different. It looks I've changed my frequency and now am hearing so very much that I haven't learned to handle it yet. I feel like I constantly have a migraine coming up, but it never does. It's like somebody turned up the volume and while the music sounds better that way for a while I can't handle the volume. Yeah, it's energy stuff. Haha I had forgotten how it feels like to actually FEEL. How cool is that. Just need to learn to swim these waters. I guess I never did before, so I ended up turning down the volume again and again. What does it take to learn to swim? How can I be space? Once again I am offered a chance. Am I up for it this time? To be continued...
#56866
The following user(s) said Thank You: Kol Drake, Johannes (Yoshio)

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