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Institute for Jedi Realist Studies - Dineara's Training Journal - Page 67 - Institute for Jedi Realist Studies

Dineara's Training Journal

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Kol Drake replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Normally I would type up a very long account on the benefits of exercise and jogging/running. Lucky for you, I am in a very jovial mood so... you get the shortest of shorts.
Exercise is good.

When you exercise, your body produces all kinds of chemicals which are beneficial while also helping to dupe the bad stuff. Good chemicals == Mood-enhancing hormones and neurotransmitters including endorphins, endocannabinoids, dopamine and serotonin released during long-term vigorous cardio exercise. Your body makes WEED!

Seriously, this is the best 'medicine' you can give yourself. Improved health and improved mental health.

* * * * *

At a glance (and with no medical training to back up this observation), I'd suspect you of being on the sliding Asperger's scale, not the schizoid scale. Detachment; hyper logical approach which applies to others but is hazy concerning self; preferring 'set rules' over vague-ness -- and a lot more. Depending on where on 'the scale' you are, you can be highly logical and functional and still 'have issues'... my son is on this scale. Only took us 25 years to figure it out... when he was a baby/child, the medical community was busy pushing/selling ADD (and the pills) and never even considered Aspergers as 'an issue'. Now, it's just another 'thing' in a range of 'things'. *shrugs*

* * * * *

Fear not over chasing circles. Circles == more miles to add on your fitbit exercise account. :P

You have the right of it. When in doubt; walk/jog/run. Get into that Jedi mindset and eat wind. The answers will come in time.
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Jax replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

I agree with Kol. The things you mentioned fit many things. You sound like a very normal person on the asperger's spectrum. Understanding yourself is always handy, certainly, but a misdiagnosis can also cause other issues. ;-)

And hey, life is all about cycles. You may feel like you are revisiting the same stuff, but you aren't. not exactly. you aren't the same person each time you come back around. Instead this is like peeling an onion. There are other layers but each layer is different. Do not make this a negative thing. just see it as another perspective on the challenges of life. :-)
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Well, having thought about it more I still have to stick with my diagnosis, if any - especially as all people have symptoms of asperger's. I just don't fit. I have traits, sure, but not enough to actually make it even a hazy diagnosis. And considering how I choose what to write and what not - it only tells a part of the story, of course. Anyway, no matter what the might-be diagnosis, I'll leave it at that and let you in on my week long journey to myself.

You see, I am good at getting bored at going through same stuff again and again and forgetting the same things only to remember them again. So, of course I'm going to do that - again. True, circles aren't as bad as they might sound for a person that'd rather move forward for once, so here I am, going through another circle. I got the Thoth tarot deck I ordered and took a good look at them during midsummer. I can't say how pleased I am with the deck. It opened up to me in an instant, bringing actual, concrete suggestions with the spreads. I remember hating Crowley's deck ten years ago. Now I love it. People change. Well, having been stuck in a rut for too long for my tastes, with the aid of the cards I managed to create a seven-day crash course to the mysteries of me. I did ask something extra - not only remembering of the good stuff but also learning some new on the go, and so far I haven't been disappointed. I do my best to explain my realizations, but some might seem hazy to you who read them anyway, as my life is the link between the text and the experiences and only a fraction can be transmitted through written word. Bear with me, for it will probably seem like I'm getting all excited over things I first figured out ten years ago. I'll bear with myself, too - I am getting what I asked for, after all. ;)
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

The main goal of the week: to bring to light and destroy old patterns and illusions, to rise above them and insert some smart stuff to fill the gap

Personal goals: Be more active during the week – follow your exercise plan, spend little to no time on social media and on the computer, do only mandatory stuff with it. Do stuff even when you don't want to. (For the past months I've been avoiding doing anything, and especially avoiding all kinds of responsibilities. Not very smart.)

Day 1 – The current situation

Goal: to map out the forces currently affecting my life and to figure out what's going on in general. What works and what doesn't?
Planned means: Look at things through the eyes of an outsider and do your best to forget the colouring you put on them (things, not eyes) (my current awareness is that my current view of my life is not realistic). Draw a mind map, as that works for me. Forget the past, focus on the present. Direct your focus especially towards those things that are hard to see, understand or admit.

The journey

Here we go, waking up at 7 as planned (after staying awake for how long – guess somebody got excited or nervous over the coming week?). The ”Om Namah Shivaya” mantra I chose as my alarm failed me horribly, for the audio sounded like screaming after coming from my phone. Not the way I want to wake up next morning. Note to self: find a better tune to wake up to.

Like a proper enlightenment seeker I sit in meditation for 15 minutes (for the first time in months). It feels amazing. My mind is surprisingly still. I feel happy. I then recite aloud the goal of the day – to take a proper look at my life and especially at the stuff I don't want to admit or see, and to make it realistic. Next comes breakfast. I spend the morning continuing cleaning the house – I did that on Sunday deciding that it's bad energy to journey into one's self in a cluttered apartment. Aila is away for the whole week, which makes this the optimal timing. Lunch is a tuna salad. Can't remember the last time I had a salad. That tells me something. I go through the day in a relaxed way, doing things one at a time.

I draw a pretty little mind map about things that seem rather objective to me and tell something about my current life. It has things like being unemployed and having no desire to look for work, incomplete projects that currently demand my attention (like getting to shape for the army and volunteer work in Protu – ought to put one international camp together and haven't even started it yet), daily life (how I spend my time and what things stick out the most, like too much crappy food and computer and too little exercise and activities), psyche (mainly some notes about the lack of motivation and self-esteem) and the existence of the rampant ego that throws fear and excuses everywhere. I throw in ”dreams” in a half-assed attempt to make it look a bit more positive. I know I fail miserably, but it's still the best I can manage at the moment. I swear it looks realistic and all-inclusive to me. I throw in a couple of explaining notes to all the categories and take a look at the finished product. Beautiful, depressing, screaming for a change.

Let me write more about a couple of things I put in there. One of them is my self-esteem. It is interesting to notice how I think I'm objective when I look at my actions and find things to improve. That's all well and fine. The problem is that there is never anything to balance it out. I simply can't say anything I'm good at, or really good at, or at least decent at. Of course I'm looking for constant improvement (or like to keep up the illusion that I am), and thus it's important to notice the things that can be improved. However, I've been doing only that for a long time now and have completely lost touch to where I currently stand. All I can see is a bunch of things waiting for improvement, and thus, an unfinished, lacking, not-good product. Even after figuring this out lately I've run to a different kind of problem: there has to be some excellent qualities in me, but compared to whom? When can I say I'm good (enough)? What gives me the right to say that I know how to do something? Obviously the answer would be compared to the previous me, but it doesn't satisfy me. A person can practice singing for a while, or even for a long time, and get a lot better at it than where they started from, but it still doesn't necessarily make them good. Even that old guy in your local karaoke bar could beat them hands down. The question is, what is the amount of skill or characteristic or anything at all that you have to have to call yourself it realistically, so that you're not the only person in the world that feels that way? I have no clue.

Then there's the issue of my mood. I've been feeling down-ish for, uh, years now. What happened? A few years ago I was actually happy, more energetic and active. I saw beauty every day wherever I went and it took little to no effort. I had projects cooking. I felt good about myself and the world. I went and actually did things. I don't do things anymore. When did I stop trying, and why? Looking back it seems that I've been dying a silent death for quite a while and have only momentarily awakened enough to try to pull myself a bit closer to the surface. Why did I give up like that, why did I stop believing in myself? I look back at the things I've written in my notebooks and the same person stares me in the eye from those writings. Same problems, same realizations. Same choices to pursue change, same lack of motivation, same falling back to the same old rut.

And then, a bit about fear and ego. I am currently pretty much completely controlled by my ego. I don't do things I don't want to unless I absolutely have to (if somebody's life depends on it, for example). I run away from difficult situations. I follow my whims and sleep late, eat bad stuff and skip exercising continuously. And then I needlessly stress over things. I'm afraid of failing so badly that every time I make a statement and choose to begin anew it immediately backfires and instead of going back to where I started from I fall even farther from that, with a total obsession to keep me from reaching my goals. It is insane. And it happens more than I care to admit.

- - -

Because my mindmap looks so very depressing I make two lists: things that take away energy and things that bring energy. Things that take away energy from me include things like ego, thinking instead of doing, fears, feeling separate, avoiding responsibilities, stress, irregularity, family. Things that bring me energy include things like exercise, quality diet, nature, amount of light during the summer, meditation, music, sleep, overcoming challenges and books. It's not hard to see where I should go from here.

- - -

Time comes for my 25 minute meditation. This is an active one and during it I seek to find the stuff that isn't easily seen – the stuff I missed during my mindmapping session. I sit down, set the timer and state my intention aloud: ”Allrighto, dear universe, my divine self and all the powers that be, I now seek to find out what forces play in my life. Help me figure out especially those things that are hard to see, understand or admit. Thank you.” I close my eyes, take a few breaths – and start listening.

Immediately comes in this voice. It's my own voice, slightly sarcastic, straight to the point, saying, ”Mother.” And I'm like, ”What?”, so it repeats the word. I'm curious, as the voice is so clear – can it actually offer me decent arguments without me affecting it? And guess what? It can, and it does so formidably.

There was this incident the other day. I went to do grocery shopping with mom and she usually wants to buy some of my stuff for me to help me out. I'm usually fine with this. She promised she'd help me with 20 €, but only had 10 in her wallet, so she gave me that. As we drove home she said she'd give me the remaining ten from the coins she keeps in her car. I refused, saying that it was already enough and I didn't need it. She told me to take it. Something in me woke up and refused again – I might have just as well taken it, as I have many times before, feeling grateful, but not this time. And yet she insisted and I refused. It got so frantic that she started crying, coins on her palm stretched towards me, telling me to take them, that it's important to her. And at that point I realized there was something really wrong with this setting. I know a martyr gets their kicks from offering even their own skin for somebody else, and that I actually follow in my mother's footsteps to some extent, but this was just stupid. At that point I decided that it's going to be last time I take money from her like that. I told her that I get from her things other than money and that I really don't need it and asked her why it is so important. ”It just is.” Looking back I should have told her that she is important to me regardless, but I realized what actually was going on only later. I stepped out of the car.

This is rather interesting. After talking to this voice in my head (lol) I saw how my relationship to mom is a bit twisted. Out of us three children I am the one she adores the most. I am more her friend than child and she really appreciates the intellectual conversations we have, for they give her a lot to think about and satisfy her need for growth and intelligent company (well, this alone is a warning sign that I've been aware for some time now). But it's more than that. She loves giving, because it makes her feel good. She needs to give. She has to. She cooks for me when I come over. She's done a lot for us three, but the way she does it is like her mental health depends on it. Lately I've been going there only because I've been to lazy to go elsewhere and find other social contacts, which suits mom just fine as she gets my latest thoughts and inspiration as I come. The problem is that it's half-hearted from my part. I go there to kill time, eat something or escape my boring reality. No relationship ever should be based on that. I used to keep my distance better before, but now it has slipped back to this – going over because of a habit even though I find the visits taxing. And mom, when she feels that not everything is ok in my life, her need to give triples instantaneously. She seeks acceptance by giving, because that makes her feel herself useful. Her self-esteem is so low that I'm guessing it might cause her to feel really insecure if she can't be of use. And that is exactly why I have to stop this circle from my part. She'll probably direct more of that towards my sisters then, who happily accept and even at times demand it from her, but I'd rather be an example of interaction that doesn't revolve around of having to be useful. I won't ask for anything anymore, unless I really really really need it. That's bound to create some kind of a crisis, but I am responsible only for my actions and feelings and I stand by my decision when it comes to this.

I continued talking with my voice for over half an hour. To make an already too long story short, I was told not to keep telling myself that I don't have motivation, as I clearly have it – motivation and action are two different things, and I am motivated. If I need proof, I just have to look at what I am doing right now. The power, the energy, the will does exist and I continuously use it, so I shouldn't underestimate or negate it. I also got a tangible wake-up call regarding food and its relationship to my well-being and goals and I really have to fix certain things immediately as otherwise I'll run out of time and won't make it to the army. For example, it seems that I have to increase my protein intake, and I am still baffled at how much certain sources say I should actually get it. Then there was a notion about Aila and our relationship, what about it is good and what doesn't work. It was interesting too.

- - -

You know, never in my life I've gotten such a clear bunch of information than I did during that half-an-hour sitting. I asked and listened, and the knowledge just came with total precision. I didn't have to guess for it was so obvious. And afterwards I edited my mind map just a little – now it says ”time to look for work” instead of ”don't wanna look for work”, for example. ;) I got a lot out of this day and am very happy. My head was full of stuff so my 15 minute evening meditation wasn't as easy sailing as the morning one, but enjoyable anyway. I thanked myself for doing excellent job and went to bed feeling determined.
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

1) Yes... you know your situation best. I am only a long distance observer getting a part of the story as you noted.

2) Circles: Most times we think "I am just going in circles". Realistically, we travel in helixes. All that you noted about 'looking back' is correct -- BUT, from the higher level of the helix, you are able to SEE and UNDERSTAND what was happening at that lower level of the helix. Don't knock the fact that you have progressed enough to BE knowledgable about yourself and even know what needs to be done... even if getting motivated enough to DO those things is taking a while.

3) Tarot decks. That's a hard one. We change. Our tastes change. I still have my original Ryder deck packed in a box. I don't use any now but, I am always on the lookout for decent artwork. I've yet to find a set I REALLY like/that speaks to me.

"Best deck" may not be as important as "what works consistently." Heck, if you feel artsy enough, start drawing your own art! That way, the created image has the most meaning for you.

4) Mediation is good. Glad it's a tool you continue to utilize.

And... the rest I'll try to send via private message...
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Day 2 – Exploring love

Goal: Love yourself. Become your own best friend and find the neverending source of unlimited love and compassion. Take a look at your findings yesterday and drown them in love.
Planned means: Visualization meditation, thankfulness meditation, physical exercise. Take a look at body, mind and spirit separately and let the love flow. Do the same thing to your age and horoscope (I have an issue with my rising Aries tendencies) and find their strengths.

The journey

Dreaming
I woke up to my own distorted screaming a minute before the alarm went off. I had this nightmare where I was at some school and went to a room meant for staff members. I think it was the room of the principal. There was an unknown person with me. Looking out from the door I suddenly told this person to close it. My tone was demanding, as if the task was very urgent. They did what I asked and I realized they actually closed a door on the other side of the room outside of the office. I strictly told them to close the door of the room we were in, and lock it tight. As if that wasn't enough I asked them to push the door to keep anything from entering. The door was made so that nobody could see in but the people in the office could see everything through it. Some students appeared, trying to get in. I went to help keeping the door shut. Then I noticed there were cracks on the sides and one of them actually saw me, naked, through that crack. It was incredibly distressing. I guess at some point they went away and we left the building.

I met a fairy that was a bit dangerous (one from some folklores), but I talked with her a bit. I then asked if she knew anything about gnomes. Yes, she did. ”They lie a lot”, she said, and I nodded knowing what she talked about. ”They also jump very high.” She also mentioned a third trait but I have forgotten it. And then, she suddenly asked me to run as far as I could as I was in danger. I started running only to see a gnome (a garden gnome with the red pointy hat and all, what the heck?) jump out from somewhere. And I ran, leaving my previous companion behind, having no idea what happened to them, I was too afraid. I was so very afraid. Then I started to fly, too slow for my tastes, and I flew past a line of lighthouses. There were many of them but I chose to avoid the open sea with all costs. At some point I landed on a hill, not sure if I was far enough. I then started thinking,”Now I probably feel like I'm in huge danger and something bad will happen”. Of course then the gnome came around the corner of some house and I almost died of fear.

That's a good way to start a day full of love, eh? I think so too.

Still feeling a bit shaken I sat down to my morning meditation. I closed my eyes and requested that if there was any point to that dream it'd be shown to me during the meditation. I got what I asked for. The glass door represents my protective shell that I try to keep on to keep people from seeing who I really am. The other person was a protector, guardian. The garden gnome represented all my fears, and I try to avoid even fear itself. Still I manifest fear into my life by speaking about it, connecting it to all my actions and even upcoming situations by thinking that I'm certainly going to be scared anyway. The lighthouses show the border between what I feel is safe and what is fearsome and unknown. By sticking to land I refuse to take any risks and thus no new revelations, lessons or experiences can enter my life.

- - -

One part of me feels that this loving business is crucial to my success in life and overall well-being, the other part thinks it's corny, lame and connects it with all crazy hippie stuff (as if my life wasn't already full of crazy hippie stuff). I mean, is that REALLY necessary? I mean, do I really have to love everything and everyone? Isn't that kind of stupid? I chuckle and choose to do something a bit different: I actually destroy and uncreate every single concept about love I have. Whatever concepts, expectations and assumptions I might have about love and about feeling or expressing it or however I think it probably shows up, POD POC. I feel very clever now, like I just hit a jackpot. Herh herh. Can't wait to see what goodies appear now. Something got unstuck, at least, that's how I feel, so a job well done.

As a quick side note, I only have some main guidelines ready for this week. Aside from that I mainly progress trusting solely my intuition.

- - -

Time passes and I, feeling a bit disoriented and more than a bit reluctant, actually manage to convince myself that reading a book is good and counts as ”doing things” - thus skipping the things I actually was supposed to do. During the reading I get so tired that I end up fighting with myself for ten minutes about whether to go to bed or not. The ego wants to, but the more sensible part says that as exercise was a part of the program for this day I should do that, as I know it gives a lot of energy. Well, I listen to the ego and go take a nap. I sleep for two hours and actually feel better afterwards.

- - -

More time passes and before I notice it, it's 6 o'clock without me actually doing anything (except reading for that one book that I have to return tomorrow). I've eaten regularly, like yesterday, but the quality hasn't been as high. That's all right, I can live with that. Anyway, the day was supposed to be about love and none of that has showed up yet, so I sigh and get up and drag myself to my recently created meditation spot. I decide to play some music – today I am inspired by darker tones, a dark fantasy ambient mix. Let's see if I can find love with that. Nothing can stop me from trying, anyway.

I sit down, close my eyes, state my goals and instead of asking for a thorough explanation about the mysteries of love I request visuals and feelings to convey information. After sitting down for a while I see this black portal in front of me. Out of it flies a ghostlike woman, a dark, haunting figure. Yes, this one, too, is me, somehow. We become friends immediately and she does use a few words to explain some things (she's smarter than me – I really do need words more than I care to admit. I seem to process things that way.) as she shows me amazing visuals. The beginning is like a psychedelic trip into the land of beauty and flow arts (I love flow arts! I dream about doing some at some point myself). She turns into a shaman, wearing a wolf's skin and the skull of some horned big animal. ”You love this, don't you?”, she asks. She, of course, means my immortal fascination towards ancient and tribal methods to find the balance between this world and the others. And magic, of course. Once again I am fascinated by it. It seems to be one of the things I regularly come back to.

She stops her dance and tells me to get up and change the music, so I do. The music I hear now is more aggressive and heroic than the previous music. With the epic qualities it brings into mind the theme songs of all the great heroes. I sit back down; she is satisfied with the music. For a while she tries to show me different things but I react only with mild curiosity. Not good enough. Then she decides to show it to me in all its glory. She starts to shine some wild and crazy inner light. It flows out of her eyes. I've never seen anything as fascinating. It's too powerful and I have to turn my gaze away. She lifts my chin up with her hand and forces me to look into her eyes. I really have never seen anything like that. The power is incredible; it is burning, and it flows right into me. It is beautiful, dangerous, violent, primal life force. It is love like I have never experienced before. I have to turn my head away yet again, and she turns it back. And I cry, uncontrollably, it starts from nothing, and I am filled with that incredible feeling of being alive. I remember thinking that love is life itself, or something along those lines. Then she asks me to find the same power within myself, and I find it both close to my hara/dantien/sacral chakra and my heart chakra, but it is so much weaker, a mere shadow of what hers is. ”Somebody needs practice to make it stronger”, she chuckles, and I have to agree with her.

And the moment ends as quickly as it began, so end my tears. I get a feeling that I've just experienced something otherworldly. I can't put it to words, and I have no need to. I kill the music that I notice was still on. Well, now is the time for words, as I need to know what to do to achieve something like that. What I find out was this:

Love, the real, untamed love, is like the primal life force, like fire; powerful and destructive. It is the ally of a warrior that helps him beat even the strongest of challenges. Love can literally burn away pettier things. It has gentler sides too, those I'm more familiar with. The power gets stronger by simply loving more, and as it is connected to life force it gets stronger by physical exercise and activities, as well as doing things one really loves doing, and doing them consciously, lovingly.

The secret to loving even those things you hate and deeply want to get rid of is, instead of getting rid of the things, getting rid of emotions attached to it. In life, all things are equal, not more, not less. By detaching emotion we so easily tend to attach to things, by experiencing things as they are, we open a space. That can be filled with love, should we choose so.

The secret to finding love when looking for it is rather simple. All that needs to be done is the choice to love. I've witnessed the power of words many times. I've even gotten guidance about using them for changing things. Sounds resonate within me in a very tangible way, so I should use that knowledge more. And, like with all things, I can use my own voice to find love. ”I love” is quite enough to kindle the flame. And the more ”I love”, the stronger it gets, all by itself. Something opens up and just starts flowing.

- - -

Of course I had to give it a try. First I felt a bit stupid and like I was cheating somebody, but rather soon I got a knack of it, and with every ”I love” sentence I realized I actually meant what I was saying. I ended up loving every single thing that came to mind in a totally chaotic order (of course I had planned approaching even this day with a solid pattern to follow. Couldn't have cared less about that at this point). I continued it as long as I wanted and ended up feeling very content and happy. Well, I was feeling like myself for the first time in a long time.

There was nothing much to do anymore at that point, I had already reached the goal of the day, but I went and took a 30 minute walk in the nature as I didn't go jogging today. It was a happy walk, and really, people unconsciously notice things like that. I was approached by a person for the first time in ages and had a little chat with the cashier in our local market. It brought to mind all the previous times this has happened, and I must say I do detect a pattern here.

I got a killer headache later on and ended up skipping all my other evening plans, meditation included. I went straight to bed, as I was told I shouldn't take medication for it (probably I'm detoxing so no use in adding more toxins). I actually fell asleep rather nicely and slept well. Yet another day well done.

- - -

Fun fact: I shaved my head on Monday and ended up looking like a Tibetan monk. I love it. My hair was super short to begin with as I wanted to try something different, and it looked good on me, but this is just, well... I'll let it grow just a little :D
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

As I was ironing my sheets (which I actually never do but now have no excuses left to avoid it, and I actually enjoy both the process and the finished product), a thought came to mind...

If fear leads to the dark side, I must be a Sith Lord by now! :palpatine How cool is that?
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

wow.... just wow... and also, very cool.


I always wondered what went on in the teachers' lounge. :P

And, later you mentioned music while meditating... which brought a few tunes to mind.

Shamanic mellow meditations >>
Native American Flute Music: Meditation Music

Heroic interlude >>
The Last of the Mohicans - Promontory (Main Theme)

The spirit showing you love >>
TRON (1982) End Theme
(Mostly the first 1:50 seconds or so...)


That mad, glowing eye'd shamanic female has the right of it.
Never be afraid to stare into the Light of Truth... even if it hurts at the time.

This was an excellent exercise and entry.

.... shaved head... ?!?!?!?!
:stars
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Last music reference...

Cat Stevens - Catch Bull at Four (1972)

The Boy with the Moon and Star on his Head
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Day 3 – Mastering the mind

Goal: Reaching objective and positive realism, detecting and cleansing defective thought patterns, taking a look at my cognitive processes
Planned means: Follow your thought processes throughout the day. Continue with thankfulness and loving exercises from yesterday. Analyze your fears and do some good letting go on them. Meditate.

The journey

The day was pretty interesting and I got some decent insights. They're listed down below, and if I found the issue to be something that ought to be worked with preferably starting now, there are also the means to fix them or start fixing them. The first nine or so were pretty obvious, the ones after that were less obvious but possibly even more important because of that. While the list consists of things that don't work for my benefit, it's actually made with increased objectivity (compared to Monday's list) and has nothing to do with putting myself down, but rather ”things to look at to optimize your cognitive performance and thought processes and thus open up new possibilities”.

Note 1: My head is full of random stuff. In addition to all the worst songs one can imagine, most idiotic puns and all kinds of random observations about things, when I'm on a good mood I hear phrases like ”I'm the best”, ”Who's the man” (yes, literally – I speak in English in my head at times) and ”Damn I'm good”. When I'm feeling not that good the jokingly light and uplifting tone turns to irony and stinging remarks about, well, anything that is wrong or bad or whatever. So, nothing new here.

Note 2: My sense of humour is 98 % sarcastic, ironic and/or morbid. This heavily overlaps with my brain's tendency and love for the worst puns mankind can imagine. They just come out of nowhere and of course I'm secretly proud of every single one, especially of the ones that make absolutely no sense and make me seem like an idiot. The remaining 2 % is witty and clever. That means that 98 % of the things I say as a joke are probably something most people don't get – especially as sarcasm is not for everybody, not to mention the morbid stuff. What I'm saying is that I should try to figure out how to change the ratio so that most of it is witty, clever and kind to avoid letting something out of my mouth that could potentially be considered rude or hurtful. I'm not that bad, really, but I'd like to enjoy sarcasm with those who share my appreciation for the art, and keep it more on the witty, clever and kinder side for those I casually interact with until I learn their preferences. It's not a bad idea to let them cast the first stone to see what kind of water are we swimming in. (Fear my evilly deep metaphor of doom.)
  • This is important as I will be doing a couple of weeks more volunteer work by both counseling and cooking at a camp, so I interact with a bunch of unknown people. I want to make the most out of those encounters, so the rule is very simple: pay attention to your words. If the joke is sarcastic, shut up. Do that enough and your brain, like a supercomputer optimized for this purpose, will automatically start finding smarter and wittier alternatives. Don't worry about having nothing to say – and even if you don't, it's better to say nothing at all than to blurt out something inconsiderate.

Note 3: When I keep up the good flow and actually concentrate on seeing the positive and feeding that energy, it's so much more easier and enjoyable to do all kinds of task. No surprise here, either, but rather a very welcome reminder.
  • Obviously important as I need methods to keep myself in better spirits from now on, if for nothing else, then for my mental health and personal enjoyment. Talk aloud to yourself, talk a lot and talk positive. Encourage, love, be thankful, like things and like doing them. Thank yourself at the end of each day. Keep up the good momentum. I believe things easier when I say them aloud, so I'll make the most out of this observation.

Note 4: Sometimes, when writing here, the story changes on the way. I guess I don't write the ”original story with the original understanding” that often, but add more to it as I write, and that understanding or interpretation is what comes to me as I write. This does cause a slight problem as I seem to have storyteller tendencies and make my things a bit juicier than they are. Usually it can be seen as me putting in negative remarks that my brain makes while I write, even though I never had those originally. Basically I've been having a tendency towards groveling in misery and belittling my own knowledge, understanding and experiences. I caught myself doing it this morning as I was finishing up yesterday's novel about how I stumbled across love. I have nothing against creative freedom and don't mind using slight alteration as I please, but you know... I'll be eyeing my writing a bit more carefully.

Note 5: I'm not that good with taking care of my stuff. It's not that I can't do that, I just don't care enough. I noticed it as I had a book I had to return to the library today. It's the last day so it had to be done if I didn't want to pay for the book being late, and still I thought about returning it tomorrow as it's not that big of a deal, fifty cents won't do much damage to my account. Something like that would be ok if it was only every now and then and didn't apply to other things too, but this actually does. For me, deadlines are meant to be bent and crossed, because they're not really that important. Who cares if I start tomorrow instead of today as one day really doesn't count that much?One week to go – meh, I still have plenty of time. One bag of chips, that's not the end of the world! It doesn't matter if I buy this or that, it's just a small sum of money. I could bring up like a TON of different examples from different things that seem to have a common nominator. I don't take this living business and everything it contains seriously enough. I really don't. I always think there's still time or that things don't really matter that much. They do, and I'm a prime example of how things tend to accumulate – I've witnessed it myself time and time again, and yet I keep on going the same way. Ought to think about something to actually start finding things a bit more important. Heck, I'm never late from any kinds of meetings unless some huge force majeure as I find it rude to keep the other person waiting. That is important enough. Obviously stuff that concerns only me and my life isn't. This actually kind of leads to yet another problematic view...

Note 6: I don't appreciate myself enough. I actually don't find myself to be important and deserving of various things. I give myself small things every now and then. I enjoy small pleasures. I never reach for anything bigger, and when I do, I usually haven't succeeded. I want to change my mindset so that when I do things, I do them for myself. Because they're good for me. Because I deserve them. Because I enjoy doing them. I've needed an outer force to give myself a good enough excuse to actually DO things. That's why I've loved deadlines; they give me an illusion of importance and I never do them for myself but for somebody else. I really would love to learn to do things for myself, starting from myself, the prime motivation for action being – you guessed it – myself.
  • To get this fixed, as it is super important, I got a visualization exercise, to which I'll give a try tomorrow. Basically it's about recognizing my own divinity and greatness and then embracing that. If it helps, I can remind myself that all that I do, I do to increase my personal power and reach my goals, and ask myself, what does a divine being deserve and how would a divine being choose. (I must say I find the methods of self-glorification somehow unbecoming, but considering how I always remind others that they themselves are their number one priority, why couldn't I follow my own example? What am I afraid of, actually becoming that Sith Lord if I give myself the priority and attention and respect I should? heh)

Note 7: The ultimate trust for life to take care of me is all well and fine, but I could still use some budgeting to track my income and outcome and thus help me put money to where it matters. Time to become an adult.
  • Solution: Make a budget and update it regularly. No problem here.

Note 8: I find the lack of concentration disturbing. When trying to read exam books to get to the university (I won't, but it was fun anyway) I had serious trouble with concentrating on the text. Not only was my mind totally untamed, my concentration just wouldn't hold. It took an insane amount of effort to keep my attention to what I was doing, and reading theoretic texts made it even harder. I've encountered this with other things too – when reading normal books I have to go back every now and then to catch up on what I read but didn't register. It wouldn't be bad to return my concentration abilities back to their peak, where they have been before.

Note 9: My thoughts revolve almost entirely around myself and my doings (and the speculation of them). I walk around being lost in my inner world, thus not really paying attention to my surroundings, its happenings or people. I suspect this is rather common to some extent, but not a desired state of being for a Jedi, not to mention that when I mean I'm lost in thought I really am that. I lose interest towards the outer world and hardly ever think about others.

Note 10: When I do analysis about things, it's usually because of some heavy need and even then it's only scratching the surface. I tend to think about things for a while, come up with two or three different solutions or explanations and then be satisfied with them, thinking they must be the right ones. I don't look deeper, find the source of things, and thus don't gain any real insights. Add to this my tendency to avoid making interpretations about people since I'm convinced that they usually can be misleading and even at best give only a shatter of information. This is bollocks, my good sir – we all make interpretations continuously, whether consciously or unconsciously. When I do it unconsciously I adopt the interpretations that ego has interfered in. I might try to do that consciously for a while, for I've seen people who've become masters of this skill, thus bringing more understanding and expansion to their lives.

Note 11: In addition to not caring about myself enough when it counts I also care too much when I totally shouldn't, which means I happily prance away from uncomfortable situations to protect myself from evident harm (like actually doing something for a change, boohoo). These two traits work in each other's areas – I don't give a damn when I should, and totally do when I shouldn't be bothered in the least.
  • Directing caring and not-caring correctly: Most of the problem solves itself, when I learn to care about myself. The situations requiring not-caring are those when I shouldn't care about the ego, and the ego isn't me. This will be assessed later on.

Note 12: For some odd reason I'm still finding it uncomfortable when people call me a woman. That is just ridiculous as I really am not that interested in my gender nor about the opinions of others in general, so why a little, harmless observation (which after all is obvious when you look at me) makes me cringe every time? At least I don't do that physically, thank goodness. This is seriously bothering me and I've been trying to find the issue behind this, which probably has something to do with my own stereotypes regarding the female gender and some other stuff. I'd just rather let the whole thing go and let them call me whatever they want without the ”YOU'RE WRONG” inner commentary.

Note 13: I am sabotaging my dream to go to the army by thinking it's just that – a dream. I have no faith in myself and my success, and I'm always keeping an eye of the back door - ”I can always cancel if I'm not ready on January”. Well, there IS no back door and I CAN'T cancel it. I chose to do it and thus I will. I've still yet to find that faith, though.
  • So I got this epic declaration to read every morning about going to the army on January, dedicating this day to myself and my goals, being a warrior, giving it my all and becoming stronger every moment. It was a lot of fun, so if the words work, let's use them as much as possible! Add some emotion to that and you almost start worshipping your own greatness. :P

Note 14: I need to return my connection to my body. By listening to my body and its needs and asking it every day what it'd like to eat and what kind of exercise it would like and them doing as it wants will get me fit enough in six months without failure.
  • Make your body's wishes come true. Do tai chi, chi kung, yoga, they help with strenghtening the connection. Observe your energy level, mood, physical reactions and their changes and see if what you do and eat have an impact on these. Change things accordingly, find better choices one at a time.

- - -

That's it! I reached my goals, again. One of the best things was observing my thoughts, and I will keep on doing so from now on, too (just like I'll continue loving and being thankful for things). I was supposed to take a look at my fears today, too, but it didn't seem right to do today, so I'm guessing it'll be worked on tomorrow. When at the end of the week I combine everything I've written down, I'm guessing I'll have more than enough material to make plans of self-development for the next months. :)
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The following user(s) said Thank You: Kol Drake

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