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Institute for Jedi Realist Studies - Dineara's Training Journal - Page 64 - Institute for Jedi Realist Studies

Dineara's Training Journal

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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Having an interesting morning. On my way to school suddenly got nauseous and realized it was because I was feeling what was around me - all that stuff. I tried closing my eyes since seeing everything move (and partially seeing the energy traces things leave when moving) made it worse, but uh, it didn't stop me from feeling it all. Probably the worst thing was the city - while people are in a morning coma, everything feels as if it's gone haywire. And the bus and so many overlapping energy fields. Right now I feel like I want to get out of the classroom and go sit somewhere where there is nobody else. Or in the nature or something. Damn this is interesting. I've had similar experiences before but they have been self-induced and really mild. This one, though - well, it just came. And it goes on. Most curious.

Now then, I could build up all kinds of energetic barriers, but I don't want to. Despite the nausea and headache it's giving me I want to savor the experience as it is - who knows if it'll pass and when it'll pass and if I won't feel it again? I mean, in the end this is pretty cool.
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  • Kol Drake
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Instead of building barriers and walls and trying to become a solid block of 'not here' -- it might work better to decide to connect to the Earth and the Universe -- drawing in the healing / invigorating energies of Positive Light -- and after filling your being with that energy/Light -- radiate it outward; transforming your surroundings into a sea of 'good vibes'.

When we become that 'beacon of Light' -- good things naturally unfold.
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Jax replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

no barriers needed, and unlikely to be helpful. Instead, become space. Expand and remember that you are 90% space (actually I think it's higher than that). Just observe and let things pass through. Also, as Kol says, ground and connect to the Earth and the Universe. That should help significantly.
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Jax replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

How are things going?
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Tsjêbbe replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Interesting theory. I feel it's somehow the same view as in satanism? I don't know if you know anything about it? Anyway, I can follow its philosophies in some way.
Only what I found, is that being your own God/Creator (a philosophy that exist in a lot of religions/beliefsystems/whatever you want to call it) isn't totally right. I think every thing that has energy or some form of life in it is in some form or another a part of being the god in the worlds it exists in (er ye, I belief even rocks have some form of energy, but just try to follow me here).

A rock, or tree is a part of the world, without these the structure would be totally different. I wouldn't be able to walk at a market if there wasn't a guy in (lets say 1800) who sculpted a stone to put it there. But this stone came from a very different place. So it's energy travels through place and time untill the moment I touch it and it makes part of my world. It is in some form or another a part of God in my world. But in my opinion it now also is a part of your world, because I just told you about it. And this is just a rock but with people (who can move, speak, etc...- the impact is only greater. SO yes, everything you do is a part of YOUR life, and it probably is the biggest part of being God. Because without yourself you wouldn't exist (this versus a stone which is pretty much minimal, almost not existant "godly" thing)

Everything has an impact on eachother. You have a very big influence on creating your own world but there are still forces you just can't ignore, simply because no one can be aware of them.
Nice video to illustrate what I mean. It's about Derren Brown, a magician from the UK who does a trick on two advertisers.

Hope you enjoy it (the guy is anyway amazing, even if you don't agree with my philosophical outburst...)

"Little decisions over time make a big impact on our lives.” - Eric Samuel Timm
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

The heck, I never got a notice for these replies! I'll take a look tomorrow, now I'm just up to rant a bit in the middle of the night.

My life, currently, and for a good while now, is just one big loop. An endless roller coaster. I guess the worst thing is that I am actually willingly and consciously choosing all this.

I guess it's also the best part. There are no such things as external circumstances that would be affecting my life remarkably. I have a home, a bed, food, health, friends, family, education and a sufficient income. The basics are just fine. I don't have to worry about any of that and I get to live my life just as I want. And what am I choosing?

I avoid all kinds of responsibilities. Even as I should graduate in three weeks for the first time in twelve years I'm doing a good amount of sabotage to make it as hard as possible. Deadlines are coming and I do everything in my power to not think about them and get work done well in time with minimum stress. Hell no, I'm actually making the whole thing as painful as possible – I don't do anything but still stress over it, I eat crap and I alter between sleeping too much and too little, depending on my gorgeous schedule – if I can postpone something I sleep long, if I can't (say, it's the last night before the deadline) I don't sleep. I don't exercise or stretch or meditate. Not that I'd usually do any of that but considering that this amount of sitting in front of the computer probably leads to a fast premature death and my body certainly feels like that I could do something. I don't see people because I'm not interested in them, not in the least. That's a fine way to keep up some decent relationships. To top this all off I keep honing my mastery of escapism by not actually getting anything done during the day as I spend the time either in my head or in some virtual reality.

Nice, eh? Guess how pissed off I got once I realized that I actually have the same characteristic and life lesson as my mother – I'm a frigging martyr, for f*ck's sake. Nothing will I permit myself unless I have suffered like hell for it. Are you kidding me? How much better can this get?

And then I tend to get lost. Of course, that makes the whole thing more fun – pretend not to know what you really want and then get all hopeless because of that. The best part is that I actually truly do believe myself in those times. There are things that might be nice, but I really don't know whether I want them or not. Or whether any of my ideas and ideals at this point are realistic or worth aspiring. Or whether my ideas and ideals actually end up making me more depressed because they might not be realistic right now are downright against my temper, personality and actual needs. I love making things complicated. Perhaps one day I stop thinking and just go to work, earn some money, go home, do whatever I want and then repeat it again and again and again. And be happy about it.

Another thing I could rant about is commitments. I just don't wanna. The most terrible of all ideas is tying myself to things, whether they be things to do or people to do things with. The mere idea of ending up in a closed relationship or a regular long-term job or a band full of committed people (yes, that sort of happened) or studying same stuff for several years or having to live many years in a same place just gives me the creeps. I ended up getting elected to an active role in Prometheus camp association, and that means a one-year commitment – I'm halfway considering starting to regret the whole thing, but I'm trying not to. It was my own choice after all.

And I live this frigging circle of getting excited and starting projects and improving and then just the opposite where I mainly concentrate on sabotaging all my efforts... only to get fed up with that and so I begin the whole process all over again. Now then, the thing is that my mental state is lacking any kind of inspiration, focus, strength and self-discipline. I just go with whatever whim I might have, and not doing that seems too much work and unpleasantness. Of course I probably enjoy the whole thing, why else would I keep doing this? I could choose to live like this until I die, but considering the stress it puts on my entire life I doubt I'd keep going too long without at least running into some severe health problems.

I guess my main problem is the lack of will to actually do anything. I can contemplate my entire life inside my head without any problems. I just hate having to put all that into action. I totally dislike it. All that concrete doing just, nah. Basically I'm just like any patient suffering from depression – I'm just waiting somebody to do it for me (or make me do it). Funny thing is, I don't see myself as depressed. I simply have the knack of bringing out the ”best” parts of me through writing, but I actually have fun things in life as well, just so you know. I'm not that hopeless. I'm just lazy.

My problem is between my ears, of course. Have to do something to this mindset. And stop negotiating with my brain, that is a doomed process from the very beginning (probably that's why I do it, it's an easy way out and I still can say ”hey I almost tried”). It's just that I seem to have accumulated such a heavy pile of poodoo that I really don't know which corner to start shoveling first. What I need is a complete restructuring of mental framework and processes. Sure, there are some good things too, but uh, as I really am not getting anything done and not enjoying it I could use some improvement. I need a ”Brain optimizing 101 for dummies” course with a 100% success and ”see the results in just a few days!” guarantee. (That means I'd have to actually do something, right? Oh man...)

I wonder what would be a big enough sacrifice to actually start doing things. I'm going to a health analysis that will tell me what foods my body can't tolerate right now and then starts a hard elimination diet to help neutralize and heal my body. I've decided to pay for it. Perhaps that will work. I'm also considering paying for some kind of an exercise program thingy, like Nerd Fitness or something, so that I wouldn't have to do thinking. I'm sort of fed up always composing all kinds of plans for myself. I want something that is darn easy and something somebody else thought out for me, and all I'd have to do is stick to the plan and complain if it wouldn't work for me. Similarly right now I'd really be in need of that ”Brain 101” course, as I just don't want to think for myself what to do anymore.

So, umm. How to be less pathetic? Any tips? 2 am rant over and out.
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Jax replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

How about this. Stop. Breathe. Now ask, is this yours? Who does it belong to? How much of everyone else's insanity are you picking up on and assuming it is yours just because you have struggled with it in the past? Now, return all that to sender and choose different.
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

Well, at least some of that wasn't mine. Funny thing, just when I thought that I'm not picking things up anymore that much a couple of days ago. Guess I am, just had no idea. A great start to changing this, thanks.
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Jax replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

You will always pick things up. That's how we work as humans. Picking things up isn't the problem, it's holding onto them and misidentifying them as ours. :-)
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Dineara replied the topic: Dineara's Training Journal

I wish to share something great with you. Here it comes:

I graduated today. For the first time in 12 years. Me. That's right. I just finished my Further Education in Marketing Communications studies and am now a marketing assistant.

This is huge. Seriously. I am finally able to further my studies in a university, if I so choose - before this I was lacking the necessary education. Not anymore. And guess what? I am going to try to get there and study to become a teacher. Heh. I figured I might actually enjoy that. Not teaching young children but those who seek out education out of their own free will and interest. I might teach something along the lines of philosophy, life stance education, religion or similar. Who knows? The studies themselves might be quite interesting - I know I'd be good at that, since I am a confident performer, passionate learner and fluent in social relations. :P

Yay me! ^_^
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