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Institute for Jedi Realist Studies - Dineara's Training Journal - Page 62 - Institute for Jedi Realist Studies

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Dineara's Training Journal

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Jax replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Great questions!


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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Happy new year to everybody. Last year was interesting in many ways, and rather unproductive in even more ways. lol And turns out Luke is a woman and the Death Star got blown up again... ;)

There's no harm in having two new years - the pagan one and the common one (so why don't I start celebrating Chinese new year as well? lol). The first one was the affirmation, setting intentions and determining goals. The second one is like strengthening it, polishing it, and as the preparation has been done it's a good time to put the stuff into action. As usual I've been very effective in avoiding every possible duty and ignoring everything I chose two months ago, but then I got fed up (as I always do at some point) and fixed the stuff. I've been pondering some questions, some bigger, some smaller, perhaps made some progress with them, perhaps not. I guess the main thing that is up at the moment is that I'm going for a permanent change. (Writing these things feels stupid as that's what I always say and end up giving up in the middle. But as long as I think about that I certainly keep on repeating the same pattern.) I didn't start it just now, on the 1st of January, like the rest of the world does. No, my change begun before Christmas already, fueled by my lack of inspiration, excitement and wellbeing. You know, it's not normal if I don't get fired up at least once a day. I'm good at getting excited about life. If that doesn't happen it calls for corrective measures.

Food is like a drug to me. I become a different person depending on what I eat. This is now even more obvious (that is, obvious enough for me to notice and perhaps this time remember too) after my latest experiment. I was eating crap and then I begun eating food. Pure ingredients, a good variety of veggies, plenty of good fats, lots of liquid, less meat. No wheat, gluten and dairy. Those are poison to me. The necessary and wellness-boosting supplements like D3, C and magnesium (and activated green clay, that's a killer detoxifier). After making an effort to actually plan my meals beforehand it was fairly simple. After two days I started to feel better. And I was hungry all the time – my body was starving for nutrients. After three days I fell in love with life and noticed my well increased energy level. After five days I was back to normal and even better. Of course it takes longer for the body to get back in balance but my mental functions were actually restored that quickly. It's simply amazing.

That actually made me wonder if half of my depression was actually just a bad diet. Seriously, it's like night and day. And if a level this good can be achieved with just some simple changes to my diet, what would it be like if all my normal functions were restored and optimized? I realized that I can't say I really know myself that well. Of course I don't like people when I don't have enough energy to take care of even myself. What would I be, who would I be, what would pick my curiosity and how would I express myself in life if I reached level three? I call it a three-level system. Level one is when you have no clue about who you are and what you want. It was my depression time. Dark and malfunctioning. I got rid of the depression, learnt to know myself and fixed my diet. This ”fairly ok” level is level two. That's when you're getting the hang of it and have restored some of your functions (I'm absolutely convinced that I'm capable to more than this, so I'm working towards level 3). It means more searching, more work to do, more self-exploration and finding what works for you even better. And then comes the final level, the ultimate level three. For me that is when I have a solid foundation in all areas of my life – I'm socially capable enough, my body is healthy and strong, my mind and cognitive functions work well and I am inspired, capable and willing to actively and dynamically take responsibility and keep changing my life. In no way is a person ready in that point, but when you get there you're really well off already. That's when you're fairly free from distortions (in my case this could be all the symptoms from a bad diet overweight and cognitive functions included, certain inhibiting fears and the remains of self-esteem problems). This is the solid base. You know you handle your life, know how you basically work and have the courage to express yourself in all areas of life as you best see fit. On this base you can add whatever you want to supercharge yourself and head to any direction you want. Growth never stops!

I seriously can't explain my thoughts about that too well, but I've seen it happening around me. After hard work people finally realize that they're doing this for themselves and make the most out of it, expressing themselves joyfully and being truly themselves, getting interested in their health and wellbeing, exploring their capabilities and limits. Sometimes the process actually can change the person a lot enough to make them seem like a totally different person. I think that's cool. I seriously respect the courage and willingness to keep on going and evolving despite all the fears and insecurities we all encounter at some point.

I think there's more to me than I'm even vaguely aware of. I also think that in my case my habits play a big part in it – how I eat, move, take care of myself and so on. My mission this year is to optimize it. It's like the best goal ever. I'm now constantly experimenting with my diet to see what works and what doesn't. I listen to my body. I have a set plan that I follow. Many plans, actually, for different areas of my life. The most important one is the diet because as I become healthier the rest follows relatively easily. Right now my focus is in building effective morning and evening routines. The idea is to do them with lots of time, in peace, concentrating. I make my routines foolproof by giving enough time for each activity (well, the only timing I have set in stone is that I will meditate for 15 minutes every evening) and making them simple enough to do even when I don't feel like it. My morning starts with some stretching to wake up the body, then some energy work to get fired up for the day, brushing the teeth and washing the face and all that, getting dressed and enjoying breakfast. In the evening I first dim the lights and shut down the computer, prepare the breakfast (I'm not a morning person so this is the best thing ever and making everything as easy as possible – putting the ingredients for the super coffee in the blender and doing everything else so that my dream coffee/tea/juice/whatever is just a matter of pushing a button in the morning. Seriously, this rocks. I get to start my day with high quality stuff without having to start preparing it then. After preparing the breakfast I might take a shower, set the alarm for 7, stretch a little, meditate and then lay down and briefly do a gratitude/love/acceptance exercise. And then I sleep, on the floor, on a few pillows. The floor is somewhat hard but still I sleep better than I have in ages. With good planning it's easy to start the day feeling awesome.

And with good planning it's possible to survive during the day, too. I soak and dry almonds and nuts to activate their enzymes and reduce toxins, and carry them wherever I go – more than once have I ended up spending more time than I thought in the city or somewhere else, and then it sucks when I get hungry and my concentration and energy level drops. Nuts have already saved me more than once so that then I have enough energy to search for a decent food source or go home and prepare a meal. I plan my trips to the market and stick with the shopping list (the only exceptions I allow is when my body starts screaming for stuff like rucola or other actually healthy stuff).

Right. Stuff like that. It's making me feel good and as I am unemployed and have all the time to use on myself that's exactly what I'm doing. By the way, living in the moment is very hard. Now that I've begun to practice that and don't go on autopilot anymore I've doubled my accident ratio. :D I constantly keep on reminding myself to focus on what I'm doing and not on the next thing I am going to do.

And the new Star Wars movie? Half of the time I thought it was great, the other half I thought was crap, but it arose a lot of emotions and after I got out from there (after crying my eyes out, of course) I felt really weird and just wanted to go home to cry some more and not see a living thing during that day. The weirdest mental hangover ever. I just couldn't process it, and even now after two days I stil don't want to. I honestly can't say whether it was good or bad or whether I liked it or not. I can say, though, that it was episode IV all over again, but obviously it was made on purpose and in many places made me laugh just because of that (like the stormtroopers discussing a new model). And one more thing that sure made an impression on me: if you have unfinished business it's going to come and haunt you anyway at some point, so you'd better deal with it properly and just do what needs to be done. An excellent reminder.
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David (Phoenix) replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

I'm pretty sure we all had the same mental reaction to the movie. And after seeing it three times, I can attest that it does grow on you. There is so much subtly done by JJ that it takes a couple viewings to really absorb everything.

As for the diet: I personally absolutely believe it impacts our mood. One thing I've learned though is that it's not what we eat as much as ignoring what our bodies want. Sometimes my body wants greasy food, sometimes it wants an apple. Instead of sticking to a diet, I practice more of listening to what my body wants and my general mood and feeling about my body tends to stabilize.

Happy New Year(s)!
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Yes, it was interesting. I plan on going to see it again at least once. Perhaps that helps to sort my brain out. lol

Listening to the body is probably one of the best things one can do themselves. The body is known for strange urges for stuff that satisfy its current needs, but I simply can't trust every one of them as long as the system is too mixed up (sure, cravings and actual needs are two different things). I know what makes me feel good in general so that's the direction I'm heading, and then listen to my body to figure out the rest. Seems to work just fine. I don't stick to any one diet either, but there is junk I don't want in my system, so for now I choose to leave certain things out to heal my gut. Considering the constant need for green stuff and such I'm certainly heading for a good direction. I suppose that in the end my guidelines are pretty well set by my body.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

I thought I might start writing again since I need a mirror, somebody to spar with – and usually writing does the trick. I actually suck at analyzing things in my head. So. (A warning, this one is going to be long, again.)

I don't know what to do with my life.

Yes, same old, same old. I feel like I've been standing in place for the past year and a half or so. Perhaps I ought to take a look back at my old writings and see if I've grown at all. Likely I have. Sometimes slower pace is needed, and usually something always happens in the allmighty brain. However, this doesn't remove the feeling that very little has happened and I could really use some decent forward movement – leaps and bounds, as it tends to happen when I decide to actually do something.

Don't get me wrong, things do happen all the time. I'm at school, studying social media, photoshop, illustrator, indesign, marketing and all that. Recently I've fallen in love with photography (so much tiny little details that have the biggest impact on the result, just my kind of expertise) and typography (hey, could say the same thing here, and bring on that cultural history and mental imagery marketing and the beautiful shapes and all that – what the heck, they're just letters and I am in awe?!). It rocks my world when I manage to create something that pleases my always-so-critical eye and works in the concept it was meant to work. And yet – is this something I want to do for living? Probably not. Besides I do have to admit that once again I suffer from my own perfectionism. It sucks when I know that something doesn't work visually but don't know what to change. Play around it long enough and you become blind to your own creation, and then nothing works anymore (sleep on it, sweetheart). I have hard time creating anything unique and everything I create looks too plain, too usual, too generic. I know, I've only studied for like three months and the more I do the better I get, but I can't help wondering every now and then if I can really master the art well enough to graduate. Thankfully we have excellent teachers and I learn a lot from seeing the works of the other students.

I guess this looks like I'm an aspiring artist of sorts. I just can't help falling in love with different combinations of colours and shapes. A well-created layout is a sheer delight, and I definitely will have to save enough money to get a drawing pad. I do have another problem, though - I can never know how long my inspiration lasts. I know well enough my capability to get inspired and fired up in seconds only to lose interest in two weeks. If I'm smart, I won't invest in anything that requires money during that time. At times it is frustrating not to know what I actually end up liking for longer periods.

And what else. Protu, the organization responsible for non-political and non-religious camps for teenagers, has stolen my heart, and I'm back to business. I just got back from my first camp of the summer – I was cooking there with Aila, and damn, it was a true learning experience. How to handle the food of 25 people every day for 8 days, plus the economy, shopping, amounts, projects and the graduation party (food for 60 people!). It seriously tested my ability to work under a very heavy stress and lack of sleep. I slept only one hour between Saturday and Sunday after having been awake for 24 hours straight, and after that I went for another 18 hours, and considering how little and how badly I managed to sleep overall during the week (kids can be quite noisy at times), well, I have to say I did well. No frigging way I'm going to do that again for a while. The graduation party arrangements were a murder (won't even start about that one) and managed to create stress worth of the entire week. I'm still not recovered and just want to sleep. But hey, I did it. I'm still alive. And in a month I'll go coach my own camp as the senior CC. At least then I don't have to worry about food!

I do have to mention, though, that our grocery shopping trips were so frigging epic that I'm going to miss them. We both had our backpacks stuffed full of food, weighing at least 50 lbs each, and then two bags weighing 30 lbs each, which we carried up that insane steep slope to the cabin. It was a total murder. I enjoyed it so much that it's hard to describe. Pushing the body to the limits, and actually surviving till the end (with some swearing, of course, Finnish mentality you know) only to do it again in a couple of days and again and again is just the best – thing – ever. I had no idea I was that crazy!

Tough, but rewarding. Despite everything I might have said before I now declare that I like people. That incredible potential, the possibilities, the variety, the warmth and closeness and bad, bad sense of humour (wait, it was just me). At its best, the amazing sense of connection and communication is something worth dying (or rather, living) for.

I am confident that life is supposed to be fun and very enjoyable. I try to think about what I'd like to do for the sheer joy of doing it. So far my list is rather short. I like deep discussions with people. I love having fun and goofing around. Especially goofing around. Push those boundaries of good taste, oh yes. Of course I'm mindful about it. I like cooking when I'm inspired to do it. I like cooking with Aila, It just feels so cosy somehow. (We're planning on moving back together at some point, by the way. Don't tell anybody.) I love doodling and drawing random stuff, doesn't matter whether I'm good at it or not, but when the inspiration strikes it's the best thing ever. And umm. I love sleeping and eating, but that's just lame. Then I like to spend time in the nature (though I never seem to do it, I'm smart that way). I also like self-reflection and uncovering the deep, dirty secrets of subconscious patterns and behaviour. Anyway, this is the best I've mustered, and I must say the list is very pathetic. Originally I wanted to get some ideas about what I enjoy doing so much that I could possibly consider making it a profession, but so far I have nothing useful. Well, I'll keep on listing things. Perhaps at some point I'll arrive at something smart.

Ah, also, now I have a moral dilemma with advertising and potentially doing that as a profession in the future, because I watched Killing us softly 4 – Advertising's image of women. I'd have to be rather choosy with my clients. Perhaps I'll get so good with graphic design that I can just draw some pretty pictures for people. Yeah, maybe not.

Insert random fact here: ”Finnish word of the day: jäätelötötterö. In English: cone.” We sure have an amazing language. Please don't ask how it is pronounced. I won't tell.

Once I used to have a pretty good list about all the things I wish to develop in myself. Right now I feel so lost that I don't actually even know what is relevant and what is needed. I'm just passing time, seeing where I end up to. Right now, I believe, I could use a crash course of digging up the roots that form my concept of reality and myself. I'm stuck. I need to unlearn and destroy all the old, stagnant concepts and patterns and thoughts. It feels that it's been ages since I've done that and that I've managed to chain myself down again (probably because I choose to believe that it's convenient and easier somehow). I keep on dreaming of a retreat of sorts, or a period of time during which I'd devote myself to going through the contents of my brain and being and tossing out all that doesn't work. Sometimes I wish I was in a mentor-student-relationship. At times it would be easier if somebody kicked my ass to the direction I need to go, even if all the work was done by myself. Heh

I still haven't written all I want to say, but this will do for now. My head is full of stuff anyway, even though it feels completely empty at the same time. lol

Hey looky, I am Palpatine! :palpatine

Attachment palpy.jpg not found



*cough* Yes, this was important.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

In general I am not happy and satisfied with my life. I might have said that I am, but it is a lie. I am allright with it, but it is different from actually being happy and excited about it. Once again I have slipped to the mostly-ok-I-can-live-with-this way of thinking, and the result, of course, is a mediocre life with a mediocre amount of satisfaction. Things are not bad, but they are not awesome either. That sucks! Of course it's easy and doesn't require that much change and energy to keep that up, but to be brutally honest, it is boring as hell. The situation is especially bad considering that I have things I clearly am not happy with and I am postponing changing them right away for whatever reason (like the fact that I am not happy with my current living conditions and want to get out of here and move together with Aila again).

I guess that the worst part is that I still don't know what I want to do with my life and have no idea what I actually like. So why on earth did I fall in this pit again? Have I, perhaps, made myself believe that it's better to not know what I truly want, because if I happen to admit it aloud it means I'd be pushed to make changes to achieve it, only to find out that I am too lazy, disorganized or afraid to actually make it happen? And that realization would be too unpleasant, knowing that I can't have what I want because I'm too lazy or afraid (and of course can't change it because I truly suffer from the three day monk syndrome) so I'd rather save myself the pain and never figure out where my interests lie in the first place. Considering the amount of stupid constructs I've found in my mind over the past years I actually think this is rather plausible. That alone is enough to get depressed about. heh

Basically, I want an epic life without having to work for it. Logically thinking I wouldn't be happy because the hard work is a very important part of the fun and satisfaction, but tell that to a simple brain.
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Most of 'us' go through the spectrum of -- Life is unicorns farting rainbows -- normally when finding love (and hormones) running rampant to the other of -- 'man, life sucks and it all sucks and it sucks that it sucks'. For the most part, we wander in-between those two into -- well, another day, meh...

Of course, I could point out that this is all 'mental attitude'.... anyone can make a super day total krap or 'the best day ever' with their own attitude.

Still, the up and down can get as depressing as 'slow and steady and boooooooring'.

I'm going to give you some advice. This time it will be 'do as I say and not as I do' -- because it is something I also battle with and have not 'gotten it all done' yet. Like you, I have many interests. And, like you, I want to explore them all. AND, I have so many 'possible choices' that I end up not choosing any at all and getting down because I'm not doing any of them. I am learning though -- too many choices can be as much of a roadblock as no choices at all.

Pick ONE and put the rest in the 'maybe later' closet.
Don't pick thinking -- I'll give it 3 days. Give it 3 MONTHS at the bare minimum. No multi-tasking. No procrastinating. Do it. (Do or do not; there is no 'try') :yoda

IF, after 3 months, you are totally bummed -- and can honestly face yourself in a mirror and say -- I gave it my all and it's just not me -- THEN you can go back to the closet and pick ONE new 'thing' to try. Or even consider a 'thing' you may have come upon while doing your 3 months -- which might make what you have done 'so far' a building block / stepping stone to your NEW 'one thing'.

Moving is progressing. Standing still undecided is stagnation.
Even doing something you find you hate for 'only' 3 months is better than never trying anything. And, love it or hate it -- you are doing SOMETHING. If it's good but not 'best'; trade off. If you hate it -- that's one less 'maybe' on your list of life lessons.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Sure, I might have known that all before but --

Thanks a bunch, I totally needed this right now. Totally, totally needed.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

You know, I was thinking. I was 14 when I first found the Jedi realists, and now I'm 27. That means I've been more or less a Jedi for what, 13 years? That's half of my life! How's that for an achievement? lol

Sure, I'm not the most diligent of students, quite the contrary - I pop in every once in a while, cry a little because life sucks, pull myself together, try something for a while only to disappear again. If there's anything I master perfectly, it's the three day monk syndrome. Nonetheless, I'm still here after those 13 years. I haven't even taken the first trials (yet), but I sure as heck have learnt a lot. I must say, I am grateful for this community for being a place where I can find the occassional inspiration and help and where I can post some of my ramblings and thus put my inner world in a bit better order. Thanks for being my mentors and sparring partners, Jax and Kol. You've been watching me for quite a long time and you're still there. I think that's pretty darn amazing.

And just now, what actually inspired this whole post was a stray thought - what if I actually were to aspire the rank of a Knight? Or at least pass the novice trials? I don't really put that much credit on titles anymore (if I did, I probably would have done something to earn a few already), but there is something to be gained from them - if nothing, then at least the knowledge that you've learnt something and know something. You know, a little something to look at and be able to say, "Yeah, I do handle this stuff". The more years I have behind me, the more I become confused, lost and open. Seriously, I was more sure of my skill and knowledge when I was 16 than now! I've ended up thinking that actually I don't know that much and even if I do, I've lost the connection between the basics of the basics and my current level. You know, if I ever wanted to teach or share my knowledge and experiences in one form or another I wouldn't know what to say or do, because I've gone too far and lost sight of the bridge behind me, the link between the curious but inexperienced hatchling and the more confident traveller who has had a decent share of experiences, experiments and enlightenments. Lately I've been thinking that I'd like to find that bridge again.

So, yes, I'm still curious about this Jedi business. Perhaps I ought to finish the few courses I've been enrolled to for years (like that darned Force 101 that appears to be a murder to my logical brain - how did I ever manage to make it so difficult, I wonder?). I think I'd like something a bit more structured to move forward in life and gain even better knowledge and insight of myself. I might even consider taking the trials if I ever finish those courses - I guess I'm more than enough qualified by now to pass them. lol

I don't really know. *sigh* But as long as I have no idea what to do with my life, I can at least try and do something, so why not this? Well, I can at least consider it. Might even do me some good, you know, regular studying and all that. heh
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

lol.... please please please take the Force 101 course! It's been almost 2 years since ANYONE has asked to take it! :silly: :woohoo: :side: :whistle:
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