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Institute for Jedi Realist Studies - Dineara's Training Journal - Page 61 - Institute for Jedi Realist Studies

Dineara's Training Journal

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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Yes, there are bound to be days when even the smallest of things appear rather irritating, but that's a part of being human. I guess what surprised me the most was not that immense complaining of the brain that usually follows - "Oh man, I don't want to clean up, this sucks". The critique is not necessarily directed at me "failing" but the work that comes after. Well, even that has improved over the years, I'm not beating myself up anymore. I think I used to do that before. Can't really remember anymore. lol Like mom tends to say, "No use crying when it's already in your pants" - an interesting version of "s**t happens" and "no use crying over spilt milk". :D Amusing but true. Whining doesn't get you anywhere. Acting does.

80?! Sheesh, that's hot. I'm so happy we only get a few days or weeks of those temperatures in the summer. I definitely suffer when it's too hot. I'm the happiest when it stays somewhere between 32-ish and 68-ish. Well anyway, the colours are absolutely gorgeous here, we have some maples around and they are absolutely stunning. ^_^

I think I could write about one thing I noticed some time ago. I'm very conscious of myself when other people are around. Considering how I've taught myself that other people don't matter in a sense that I can be myself since I can't control anybody else's experience of me, I still seem to be trying to do just that. Unconsciously, all, the, time. I want to give off a certain aura. I automatically plan what I do and when I do things when there are others around - and when they are people I don't know or know just a little. Things like how I sit, whether I'll take a sip now or later and how will I do that, waiting a bit before turning around and staring at the sky, the posture, walk and face I do when walking past a certain person... Irrational things like that, aimed at giving off that certain something, in hopes of controlling how the other person sees me. That is insane! After noticing this I'm consciously paying attention to every single gesture and manner and thought and feeling revolving around this type of thinking and then deciding not to do it. There is no way I can control the other person's experience. Do I really want approval that much? That is just lame. Then again, I forgive myself and make a note of it not being lame but merely a habit that has obviously been going undetected for years. I got you, now. If I seek to give a certain type of impression I'll do it consciously and not in a way that leaves me feeling somewhat awkward and uncomfortable in the end.

There are probably other things I could write about too, there's usually more than one thing going on at the same time. Ah, right! I don't want to be normal, and that is very important to me. I don't want to be like "them", those sheep that go along the mass without any detectable unique characteristics. I would strongly dislike to do things like "everybody else" does them. My ego is an elitist and has very strict ideas about what is suitable and appropriate. I can be as weird as I want, but it has to be the "right" kind of weird, for otherwise it's weird in a wrong way and that is unacceptable. Shamanism and witchcraft are ok, unicorns and angel blessings are not. My ego loathes sexually confident people who can do what they wish just because it's fun and pleasant (they are sluts), while I secretly crave to be one too - to be able to express myself freely, confidently, joyfully. :D Oh, the controversiality. I'm so giving my ego a good whipping because of all this. There is no "unique" or "normal" or "like everybody else". That is just an illusion created by my mind making nice categories for people that most likely don't even fit them. So, in order to teach myself a lesson I might do the things I despise just to prove that it is not "bad" and "wrong" and "stupid" and "tasteless" and "disgraceful". Who the heck is the judge of that, other than me? Other people have opinions, but they are just opinions and they are not mine. I don't want to limit myself just because of these kinds of beliefs. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be open, free, flexible, curious, accepting.

Oh, and while I say my ego deserves a good whipping, I actually mean that I'm glad that I notice these patterns so that I can accept them and choose differently in the future. Every time I find myself having a strange limitation or stuck belief I have the power to change it if I so choose. One at a time. Towards the ultimate enlightenment we go! ;) (...because that is of course what's the most awesome thing ever and must be achieved. Because important and raises your status. lol)
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

I don't want to be normal, and that is very important to me. I don't want to be like "them", those sheep that go along the mass without any detectable unique characteristics.


Immediately, my mind said -- says the woman who has had various colors of the rainbow for hair color and recently went to a semi mohawk cut. We are already on the outside edge of not being normal like 'them'.
:P

The rest?
Do you REALLY spend all that time thinking out every move, motion, and body response in front of people? wow. It's like you are going through blocking for a play -- only it's live and impromptu. A LOT of energy going toward what you acknowledge is something that is satisfying something in YOUR head so that you 'appear normal' -- oops.

Why not just spend all that mental energy making folks 'think' they see you floating above the seat/bench/chair you are sitting on? It's weird, fun, and you don't have to imagine all that other stuff -- just "when you look at me I am floating". Or, I have a small dragon on my shoulder made of smoke so now you see it; now you don't. Makes folks look twice. This is how you can get creative, have some fun making & sharing cool, quirky stuff without having to do any real floating OR genetic manipulation to have a fun friend with you.
:)
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

The thing is, I don't want to be bothered by any kind of weird elitism about what is normal and what not and where do I fit and how is it better than the other option. I'd rather be me instead, unlimited, gorgeous. The choices of my hairstyle, for example, is just because I like variety, blue suits me and I go with whatever feels best at the moment, but I don't want to combine that simple pleasure with thoughts like "Yeaahhh I'm so different and unique". This and that are two different things alltogether. One of them I find productive, the other not so much.

Yes, that overtly conscious unconscious behavioural thingy - I was surprised how much I do that, myself. Ok so maybe it's not every single little detail but I find it happening several times a day in all kinds of situations, so... Well, it does happen automatically so I don't consciously think about it that much. Now that I wish to change it it means I have to give it some conscious thought, too.

So how does it actually work, making folks experience interesting things? I have never done anything like that before. Simply concentrating on the intention? Sounds wicked. :D
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Jax replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

What if, instead of figuring it all out, you simply start the day with a good question. What energy space and consciousness can me and my body be to be the glorious unicorn I be with ease?
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Meeeoooooowwww.

Yeah that sucks enough for me to absolutely try it out. Questions rock. lol

Edit: Right, looks like I'm ready for bed. :dry:
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Jax replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

hahaha get some rest. :-) And obviously tweak that however you want. Just play and have fun. You, just being you, will change people's worlds.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

No no, the unicorn was great precisely because I am so prejudiced towards it, what with all the "great unicorn of love healing sessions" I tend to encounter in the fb groups I'm in. Feels like every person channels a new treatment method every other day... "The pink-golden flame of healing love and purity" healings also rub me the wrong way. Plenty of letting go to work on! Anyway, me being me sounds like the thing I want to do.
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Kol Drake replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

We had a woman in Austin, Texas who was very much into 'color spectrum' meta magic and such. Violet/purple was the color of the paranormal and she went all out. She wore purple framed sunglasses; wore purple/violet all the time (and some kick butt calf high boots); her home was accessorized in purple candles, curtains, throw rugs, and on and on.

So, anything can be taken to an extreme -- or used to 'overkill'.

Unicorns farting rainbows aren't the WORST things to have to worry about.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

I'm thinking I'm probably putting a tad too much weight on the whole 'living outside the box' thing. Just like my gender. My gender is, and that's actually all I can say about it. I'm not a man nor a woman, but because I'm physically a female people assume I am a woman. Who cares? It doesn't show outside, and even if it does, most will end up thinking that I'm a lesbian (it's the hairstyle, I tell you, though Aila keeps saying that there's more to it, lol). Just - why be bothered? (I do cringe inside when somebody calls me a girl.) Boxes are there to help people feel more comfortable about themselves and the life around them. It gives a sense of security, false as it may be, when you think you know what the other person is. There's nothing wrong in that, and I'd be a dirty liar if I said that I don't do that myself. Man, woman, trans, queerbipandemisadomasounicorngayfairyhobbitsalesmanpolicesinglemommurderer so what? Just put me in that box if that works for you. I might end up not fitting there, but that's your problem, not mine. I don't think I'm going to be bothered by this anymore to one direction or other. Sometimes I have to pick "woman, gay, single". Sometimes I'm better off telling that I am a creative, independent, variety-loving creature. Other times I might go for something else. None of them are probably totally and completely accurate, but humans just work that way. Instead of stressing over the lack of choices (if it becomes possible some day, I'd rather change my gender to a third option) I'll just pick the closest ones if needed and continue being me. The actual problem arises if I feel that any of those words are me - that's when things get black and white.

I guess this again comes down to wanting to give a certain impression and some weird and fragile attempt to put myself in those much disliked boxes. lol /endofrant
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Dineara replied the topic: Re:Dineara's Training Journal

Just a little post while the site is up and running. Doesn't matter if this is to disappear, just want to write something.

I quit school and am unemployed. No money, no daily activities. Sara told me she's moving out, which is to be expected - things haven't been working out lately and secretly I've been hoping for this. It's the first time I'm in a situation like this out of my own free will and not because my mental health dictates it. Naturally this means I'm actually quite happy... Because -

What is possible in this situation? How much pure awesomeness can I create with ease, joy and glory?

And also, something rather important: What would I choose if I had no point of view that life has to be hard for me to make progress and grow as a person? What would be possible then?

I have these nice beliefs, still, that aren't doing me any good, and they are
- I need to work hard to get lots of money
- Live has to be difficult so that I get big challenges I can then overcome and emerge as a winner, a stronger, accomplished person
- It's supposed to be unpleasant because it does me good

...to name a few. I'm fed up with thinking everything has to be done the hard way and then having a hard time doing it and after enough cursing and unpleasantness I might actually make some progress and then I probably can be almost a bit proud of myself only to keep on doing the same thing and not liking it one bit. I also refuse to believe that it's impossible for me to enjoy my body and life in general unless I'm normal weight, but I still haven't made much progress with that - it comes to haunt me every now and then, and I don't like the way it limits my expression and interaction with people. I'm starting to wonder if the only thing I can do is to actually go and do things no matter how hard it is, notice that I didn't die and just do it again until it becomes more natural. It's not natural for me to touch other people, for example, perhaps I'm a product of my culture that way (a real pity but it's rather common in Finland - it's either a handshake or nothing and only women hug and only their close friends).

I like simple things. Right now I can do what I want precisely because I have all the time in the world. I read, study, go jogging and walk in the forest. I eat pretty clean, meditate every now and then and do whatever I like. I do require some activities at some point, though, I get bored rather easily and then slip inside my head and stare at a wall for hours while playing with the contents of my brain (yes, too good of an imagination is not always a good thing - no action in real life means a lot of action in the brain). My dream would be a meaningful and fun job that would give me plenty of time to do other things too. What I'm going to do now, as I really do have so much time, is spend plenty of time just destroying and uncreating everything I come across in me and use all the tools I have and let go of a bunch of stuff and start manifesting for real. What does it take for me to let go of the belief that I can't do it? What is crazy possible right here, right now? I even caught a flu virus of some kind and can't exercise, so I have lots of time and little energy to do anything - and if I'm going to sit around anyway, why not use it productively?
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