Dineara's Training Journal

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Dineara replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

Sadly it appears that we don't have money for aikido, no matter what the cost would be. A pity, I really would have wanted to go there. Well, there's a new chance in January, when new courses begin. Perhaps then the situation would be better.
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Dineara replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

So. I am beginning to train aikido after all, I found a great dojo. Today was the first day at school. My schedule is very light, only 1½ hours studying per day, and Fridays are free. From what I noticed today my concentration has greatly improved - I can devour difficult texts quickly and still understand and be able to adapt the contents. It's great! Also I have learnt to think - back when I was depressed all I could say was "I don't know". Now I sit in front of the class answering almost every question (if they let me to, lol). I like to use my brain. Overall I think the time for this change was right and I hope to get many positive experiences and move forward towards my ultimate goal. :) Little by little I am going to achieve my old studying ability. I learn quickly and have no problem with studying multiple subjects at the same time, but I don't have that much energy yet to sit through hours of lecturing.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

That's excellent news! I hope my brain picks up soon. lol I can't wait to hear all that you discover through aikido. :-D
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Johannes (Yoshio) replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

It is good to hear that finally You have found a Dojo which offers You what You are searching for.
But remember the three day monkey and that You will only get out what You are willing to put in! ;)
I hope You can enjoy classes and the training and I'm looking forward to read about your experiences!

Qui-Gon Jinn: "We cannot control our emotions, but we can decide how we go along with them."
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Dineara replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

So true! I'll definitely do my best, I hope I'll like aikido. I have enough experience from the three day monk syndrome, so I think I know now when the first signs appear - just keep pushing, no slacking. Without hard work it's impossible to actually learn martial arts. If I catch my notorious autumn flu I'll still try to go to dojo to observe what others are doing, and if I can't do that I'll wait patiently until I am fully healed and then ask for personal instruction, should I need it. My martial arts training has always stopped because of this flu of mine - after two weeks of being sick it's easy to think that I've fallen too much behind and will never be able to catch up and make it in the belt test. This time I'm going to do things differently, but I still hope I'll stay healthy! It's just that when the season is right the darn bacteria will spread from person to person in schools and other public places, and sometimes even good hygiene won't stop it. And hygiene reminds me that we are supposed to wash our hands and feet before entering the dojo - that's good, because the last time I was practicing that wasn't a rule. I should probably buy a pair of sandals at some point, that would help keeping the feet clean when walking from dressing room to dojo.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I hope I learn that backwards roll ukemi, lol!
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Johannes (Yoshio) replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

Good luck with your Ukemi! In Aikido good Ukemi is essential!
And yes, a pair of sandals might be a good idea! :)

Qui-Gon Jinn: "We cannot control our emotions, but we can decide how we go along with them."
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Dineara replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

I've been feeling rather messed up lately - feeling a mixture of energies very strongly despite my shielding, having headache and overall feeling disoriented. Jax suggested that I might be getting an energy download, which is most probable. After asking the energy to be given to me more gently I've been feeling better and the headache has lessened considerably. I had to skip school and aikido though, I've been rather unable to concentrate on anything. I have noticed this also when meditating, it's hard to keep focused. I have tried EFT, reiki, energy bouncing and grounding to help coping with these changes. Sometimes these help, and when they do I feel better for a while. After all, it's good exercise!

I went to the library and found myself something nice to read. I borrowed three first volumes of Jedi Apprentice series and the original Star Wars trilogy. I just love JA! Now that I am older I seem to find much more interesting things than I did as a kid. It's interesting to watch how the relationship between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon develops, and how they get past their problems and weaknesses little by little. While Obi-Wan didn't learn the ways of the galaxy in the temple, he learnt something very, very important - principles, values and ethics. I was rather pleased when reading how easily Obi-Wan got friends, no matter which race they were - while perhaps being a bit naive at first he accepted his new companions as they were, but later learnt not to believe everything just because he considered somebody as his friend. This, however, didn't remove his allowing attitude. Of course he had some issues with those he considered 'evil', and it took some time for him to understand that not everything is to be meddled with, no matter how Jedi he might be and how evil they might be. An important lesson for us as well! Many times we hear Qui-Gon mention the importance of patience - it's important to learn when to wait and when to act.

Also, using Obi-Wan as a looking glass we can see how much our perception suffers when we are not in the present. When it was his 13th birthday, for example, he was quite entangled with the thought of it - many masters bought valuable presents to their padawans. Qui-Gon noticed it, giving him a quick assignment to describe his surroundings with his eyes closed, and helped Obi-Wan to return to the present after dealing with the issue. And what did young Kenobi get? A rock! Disappointing? Perhaps, but in the end this gift ended up saving his very indentity from memory erasing.

One thing I've been wondering. When two Jedi share a bond it appears to be difficult to accept at times - Revan and Bastila, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Why such a bond? Why that person? In the end Bastila and Qui-Gon had to admit there really was this bond and learn to live with it. I guess I understand though - if I was 'close' to a person I didn't really know I'd feel weird too. It's not so easy to share things with others, especially when you 'have' to - when the bond is there you can't just simply remove it. I wonder if bonds like this exist in our reality as well?

Well, time to go feed my man. Considering how he cooks 80% of the food around here I guess I can do something in return at times ;)
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Dineara replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

The call

My guides have told me that they try to instruct me to get messages from them, and when I learn that I will also be able to get important messages from everywhere else. So, it's 10pm now, and I am happy because of the beginning autumn - it's finally dark at night! Well, my man was taking a walk and I was home alone. Then I got this sudden urge to go outside. It was strong enough that I realized it didn't come from me directly. So, I went outside as well and ended up spending an hour there, in the darkness, with my guides. They were happy I passed their little test of sensing. There is immense power in the night, and when I go outside at night I wake up in a way - I feel more alive, more sensitive, more in tune with the Force. Today I learnt an important application of my ability to see things (can this be called clairvoyance?) - I was told to try to see myself.

I knew I'm not bad at recieving information, but this was rather surprising. I quickly noticed that I can't see myself unless I step out of myself in a way, and I called myself 'she' and saw myself from the outside. This helped tremendously. I didn't feel much but later I realized that why would I since it's my own energy I'm examining, lol! Thus, 'seeing' was different. I got much impressions, actually much more than I expected. And here is what I saw:

First I saw myself with a strong aura. I noticed how the Force is strong with me and saw it kind of being pulled towards me unintentionally. Then I saw my enthusiasm - I get easily excited about new things and I saw my current interests. Then I sensed something else though. I came across two shadows, both of negative energy, hovering close to me. When examining them more closely I realized what they were: a shadow of depression and a shadow of my weight. No matter how hard I try the shadows would affect everything subconsciously, ultimately sabotaging my success, leaving the feeling of accomplishment to small experiences of success. These shadows have formed during years and I haven't shaped them alone even though I certainly have put much work into it. Let's examine them one at a time.

The shadow of depression

This shadow has begun to develop a bit later than the other one. It includes many thought patterns, feelings and experiences that all indicate a failure of sorts - I can't do anything right, I'm too tired and feel bad, I am unable to accomplish a certain task. Whenever I try to find a path in my life, the shadow filters my energy and ability in a way that they are compressed and their energy is lessened, so that when they reach their target the impact is not as great as I have originally intended. I hope this sounds somewhat understandable! If not, let's just say that part of the energy I send outwards is drained by this shadow, and then I have to struggle twice as hard to get where I want to get. The presence of this shadow is so familiar to me that I've become partly blind to its existence, and this causes me to fall back to the same thought and feeling patterns - the energy of depression is familiar, so familiar that at times it's hard to realize how it affects me.

The shadow of weight

Before depression came this shadow has been a companion of mine for quite a long time. It has been slowly formed from my own and other people's experiences about me. As time has passed I have learnt to be overweight - I can't change it, I am disgusting and unwanted. After years of telling this to myself it has become a reality. Now, when I try to lose weight, I end up eating sweets and sitting on the computer while I should be working out. Why? When I get the idea that I need to change, this energy is immediately encountered by the negative energy of the shadow. This energy then affects me and my subconscious mind listens to the old and familiar version of my current state and thus creates old, destructive patterns of action again and again.

So, those are my companions. I actually saw them as two black forms of negative energy hovering around me. It was truly enlightening. Of course the seeing doesn't end there - then come the possible ways of action. How to get rid of these forms?

Patience is the key. Something that has been around for years isn't going to go away overnight. No need to feel desperate, though: this can be changed, and it will be changed. The main key is to stop giving those shadows energy. I must be ever vigilant so that I learn to see when those negatives kick in and choose not to pay them any attention. When I keep ignoring them they will gradually lose their strength. Instead I will focus on positive things that help me to change, and gradually I program myself to choose different energies to support me. It will take time, but every time I go take a walk or go to school despite that little voice that tells me I don't feel well I take a step towards a more balanced, happy life.

So. What else did I see? Those were the main things. I also saw something about my gender (which is not male nor female) and sexuality, and my relationships. Everything else looked positive, but I am glad I was told to take a look of myself - it is an important tool indeed, and it's great how I can use it for my own benefit as well! This was a very educative experience. But now it's late and I should go to bed - first some shielding, meditating and a glass of water.
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

Very nice. :-) By the way, I'm almost done writing up something that will help you destroy those shadows with very simple statements. They can be destroyed quickly, with the right tools. ;-)
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Dineara replied the topic: Re: Dineara's Training Journal

Cool! Just let me know when you are finished, I really wish to be free of these ghosts of the past. :) Of course my interpretation of destroying the shadows was based on my current knowledge, but it's good to know there are other methods out there. ;)
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