Kai-An's Training Journal

  • Kai-An Tatok
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the advice everyone. :) Its hard to talk about this stuff to just anyone, but I really need to sort things out with people I know are interested and can give me good advice. So thank you all for the support.

Seta, I will definitely look into this idea of wakan. Intellectually i don't think the force or dieties or any of it conflicts, but the way in which I have been trained to or think I should approach these two things are vastly different. Its quite confusing, but I'm keeping at it. :)

Actually, I was reading I, Jedi and I found this quote:
What surprised me was that my access to the Force had come at a point when I had been forced to abandon the image I had been trying to present to others. It was as if the role I had created for myself inhibited the flow, whereas abandoning the role brought me closer to it. Perhaps it is not for me to sculpt the Force's flow to my purposes, but for me to be sculpted into that which more easily works with the Force. 

Perhaps my problems with belief work that way too. Maybe I'm trying too hard to mold these ideas to my purpose, to force them to conform to my identity, and instead should meditate and allow the proper feelings to come to me.
I'm doing a lot of Jedi related reading these days. I got my parents to send me my favorite star wars novels, and I'm reading the book of 5 rings for the Chicago Jedi discussion group next week. Its really enjoyable; I think I might start posting quotes from I Jedi in the forums for discussion. Its a really really good book, for everyone I think, but particularly for me. :)

I am having trouble progressing in the workbooks though. A lot of it is review, which I know I can sort of skim over, but I feel like I should be doing all the excersizes. Unfortunately, it takes a good bit of time to do this, and I get a bit frustrated with working with just review material when I feel like I am progressing.
I have a good bit of free time today, but I'd rather spend it reading books that are good for me or maybe skipping ahead in the workbooks. I can't decide if thats good, or if somehow I lack discipline, and that I should make myself review things. Arg. Perhaps not today.

Off to make Udon. :)

Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

No need to overthink it. :-) What courses have you completed in the past, that you recall?  It's not necessary to rehash things, especially if you are feeling like it distracts you from growth.  If you want to send me a pm to discuss things, that's fine as well. 
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Hey Jax, sorry for the long delay. Its been hectic at school and then finals started, so I haven't had time for much other than basic meditation before bed.

I wrote the classes I'd taken in my personal learning plan but they are as follows: Adept 101, Creed 101, Communication 101, Essentials 101, and Meditation 101.

Its not that I mind review on its own, but I'm really feeling like I need new material, mostly on the Meditation workbook so far. The force workbook I haven't touched much because I haven't had time to write that essay on the Tao at the beginning. I want it to be good. :)

I probably will be absent this week as well, until I finish my finals on Friday and then I fly home on Saturday. Once I'm home and Christmas break has started I will hopefully have time to complete the courses I set out for myself for this quarter. :) Also, I'm really glad I only assigned myself two classes per quarter, I definitely dont have time for more. :P

Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Not a problem.  I understand completely.  Did you take Communication with Beral, or prior to that (sorry for my poor memory.)  Let me know what you want to do when you get back to it and we'll discuss it then.  :-)
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Jax, I did take Communication before Beral- my instructor was Mabius. :) I wont be back til after new years- I intended to start working a little more once school got out, but I really need the time to be away from a computer/technology and relax and see my friends. This quarter was a doozy. I will let you know what i want to do shortly after new years, but I have a feeling I'd like to expedite my training to things that are new to me. Hope you had a great Christmas!


As for other things, I'm in Mexico at the moment, relaxing and having some good time with my family. Christmas has been lovely and relaxing, and I'm starting to look forward to school again, as opposed to dreading it. Also, i clearly overestimated my ability to get things done during school. Although part of it was my reluctance to work on the workbook because it felt non-productive, part of it was how much work I had already- often i just want to come home, meditate a little bit, and go to bed. So i'm going to rework my plan to do one course per quarter as opposed to two. I feel like if I have less I will get less behind or feel bad about any of it. :) Woo for realistic goals! I'll figure out what I'm doing first whenever I get back according to what Jax thinks would be a good idea. I'm looking forward to discussing it.

Much love from down south,

Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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David (Phoenix) replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Mexico is a far cry from snowy Virginia! Lol, I hope you're enjoying the warmth =]  And that sounds like a good idea, to have realistic goals.  I always end up cutting down on my expectations each semester to just trying to survive lol.  Maybe I'll try the one course a semester too.  Besides, we aren't on any particular time table, and the less stressed we are to complete the assignments, the more we get from it!!! =]

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year Kai!!!

Phoenix
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Just a little update. :)

Hello again! Its been a while. I realize I keep popping on and off the online community, and I think its probably the way I function best. I love the online community, but between school and trying to relax and do offline training, I seem to not be able to keep a steady presence here too. And I feel like my RL training is more important to my personal growth. So I'm no longer going to try to follow or work on online courses with any particular schedule. That being said, I'm going to try to exist in the forum more often and discuss, which I really love, and get to know the newer people here a bit better, and enjoy discussing with the lovely people I already know. :)

I am training a great deal more these days, its wonderful. I've meet up with the Chicago Jedi twice now, and hopefully will lots more in the future. I'm meditating much more, and have more control over my emotions. I also am much more comfortable with my odd mixture of beliefs again. :) Life is pretty good.

Side note, I"m celebrating Harry Potter's Birthday today; he turns 21 (or 31 if you go by his actual birth date, not measuring from when the books were released. :))

Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Whatever works for you ;-) Participation in the forums is very beneficial.
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Whew, it is hard to remember to post here with school going on. Last year of college has been hectic, even with fewer classes. :)

Lets see, recent developments in my training and life:

I am now a 4th kyu ki-aikido practitioner, which is exciting. My last test went really well, and after last quarter of not going to aikido for at least a month or longer, I'm training at least twice a week every week these days and enjoying it tremendously. We had a Kagami Biraki celebration on testing day and did a tiny version of Sokushin no Gyou, which is this incredible LOUD meditation. Very cleansing and relaxing.

This past Christmas I finally finished (hopefully) working through some residual guilt and bad feelings from some stuff that happened in highschool that I didn't even realize I was holding on to, which was also great. Very shortly afterwards, something happened to try to bring it all up again, but I think I'm making the right decision to not try to find a different type of closure, and just letting it go. I still have to send an email, but it'll be ok hopefully.

Classes are going well, and I'm  fighting hard against last quarter's behavior, aka not going to class or doing the work for weeks on end. Not really sure why last quarter was so fail on that count, but now that I'm working hard again, I'm happier, which follows pretty naturally. Starting to get things on my resume that might actually help get me a job in what I want to do as well, so that's great too. :)

I'm also working on reestablishing my emotional barriers. As a highly empathic person, its pretty difficult for me to keep other people's emotions separate from mine sometimes, especially people close to me or very strong emotions. One of my best friends/roommates is currently stressed out of his mind with his thesis, med school applications and all sorts of other things, and has been perpetually depressed or cranky for at least the past month. Its going to be a looooong winter, but at least if I can't help him feel better I can get better at staying cheerful no matter the circumstances.

I think thats about it for now. Hopefully I can do better about the forum here, as it is awesome, but second semester senior year is a busy one, even when I'm taking less classes. :)

Miss you all!
Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Jax replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Sounds like a lot going on, but you're doing well. It doesn't surprise me that you processed the issue and then faced it again. That's pretty normal.

I'm glad you're enjoying life. :-)
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