Kai-An's Training Journal

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Kai-An Tatok created the topic: Kai-An's Training Journal

Hey All,

Journaling seems to be good method for me to process my thoughts and troubles, so I'm going to try to write here about my training and relevant aspects of my life and train of thought as frequently as I can. I will also be posting in my offsite journal at kaianjournal.wordpress.com/ . I will also be posting old material of mine I think is worth sharing or reevaluating. :)

Thats about all for now- I'm pretty tired and trying to work my way through the rest of the introductory workbook. Its so short and I've had a light weekend homework-wise, meaning I've had quite the self-evaluating and tiring weekend. :P Its good though. I should have everything done but the Communications excersize by tonight, as I need people and I think my boyfriend is pretty tired at the moment. I have two people I can ask so far- i need to find another that when they ask me what this is for I wont need to explain myself away. It takes a lot of energy and I don't feel like it at the moment. :P

Goodnight!

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Had my second Aikido class today. It was just four other experienced students and me today, so Sensei was really really good about keeping an eye on me and since we had an odd number he partnered off with me for a large part of the class. It was really really nice, not only to have that sort of assistance in walking through the Tenkan, but to have that kind of attention from a teacher for me is a really great way to learn.

I knew Aikido, like many martial arts, was very heavy on the use and manipulation of Ki and energy, and on the mental as well as the physical, but I had no idea how much. We did this thing where you sit seiza with your knees touching your partners and you take turns pushing each other over, only you don't push. The one being knocked over can resist all they want, but moving by extending your ki and moving from your center they physically cannot resist you, move your arms, anything. Its almost like magic. He worked through that with me bit by bit until I could start to feel exactly how to do it. When you do it correctly, you know you've done so, but it is a very difficult thing to replicate. I just need more practice. He was very very patient and kind with me. (Its also awesome watching him to the moves full speed and well. People fly through the air and land like pillows. :))

I wish I hadn't waited so long to start taking this. I'm glad I'm taking it now, but I wish I hadn't been so reticent about getting off my butt and doing it. I'm going to train really hard and as often as possible because theres a multi-day Aikido seminar with a really intense master coming up in the middle of November. I have a month to improve enough that I can really benefit from it. I'm really looking forward to it. My friend who has taken Aikido here for at least a year says that this master is absolutely brilliant.

All for now I think. I'm going to work on my PLP so I can post that, some work, take a shower, do some chakra cleansing, then more work. Busy busy week. But the weekend is coming around the bend!

Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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zen-ryo senshi replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Do you mind if I ask which dojo you are going to?

Zen-Ryo

If I speak from a good motivation out of sincerity, respect, and love for others, my actions are good, virtuous. If I act from a motivation of pride, hatred, criticism, and so forth, then my verbal and physical actions become nonvirtuous.

- 14th Dalai Lama

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Jax replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

I miss aikido...we did that exercise too.  I struggled a lot with it.  It's so hard to do without thinking, especially since there's so little motion to focus on.  I'm glad you're enjoying it.  I find it a strangely addicting art myself. ;-)
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Not at all Zen-Ryo! Its not an official dojo, but the Aikido Club at my university. However we have an actual adult instructor as opposed to it being student taught and he's very good. The club has a very close relationship with Kashiwaya-Sensei, who comes to Chicago frequently to do seminars, and he often picks an Uchideshi from our club.

Jax, it is indeed very difficult. You think you've relaxed and centered properly, and then you go to move and realize you're pushing with your muscles and not your center. Its very odd, but I love it. Its so satisfying to do right! :)

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Still dealing with these wierd ups and downs of stress. Part of it is work- this week has been nuts. I still have a 6 page paper to write before I sleep, although I've outlined it already, so it should be okay. I'm really not sure what else it could be. My life is pretty good right now. I'm feeling a lot of uncentered anxiety. The main reason I think its actual stress or worry and not just hormones or a bad day is not only the consistency, but the feeling and the consequences. I can feel it building up right around my solar plexus: when it gets to a point where I actually feel kind of ill I have to stop everything I sit and do nothing for a while. Furthermore, I've been having anxiety dreams again. Before I came to college I had only ever had one nightmare;even the dreams that involved scary things weren't scary, they were just interesting. But I've found whenever I'm under pressure I start having really unfortunate dreams. Walls closing in on me, people yelling at me, etc. Last night I dreamed I was trapped in a room with these fist-sized misshapen crimson spiders, at least a hundred of them, all piled on top of each other. I couldn't move or leave because if I tried they'd wake up and swarm me. I got enough sleep, but I feel like I had almost none. :/

Meditation is also pretty difficult when I'm like this; i'm all flustered and distracted. The shower chakra cleansing excersize was good this morning, but my roommate took a shower at a different time than usual, so my morning schedule got crunched and I only had about 5 minutes to do it. Hopefully it is just this crazy week and tomorrow will be better- the paper will be done by tonight, and I can take a long relaxing shower in the morning.

It'll be a relaxing (mentally) weekend too: I'm going to carve pumpkins for the new apartment with my roommates and boyfriend tomorrow, we're throwing a housewarming party on Friday, and Saturday is when B and I get to celebrate our anniversary! Its technically tomorrow, but its kind of hard to go out on a Thursday with work and whatnot. We're going to cook fish in my apartment and go dancing. :) We've been together two years now- I couldn't be happier. :)

I'm really looking forward to starting my coursework as well. Hopefully my PLP will get reviewed soon and I can start reading the lectures. I'm not sure what credits I'll get, but I'm looking forward to retaking both Force and Meditation actually: I feel like I could use a good solid review of the basics at the moment.

Heres to hoping this blows over by tonight. :P

Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Mel replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Congrats on your anniversary. We celebrated our 7th this past year. Good times!

[img]http://instituteforjedirealiststudies.org/Institute/badges/IJRS%20Intro%20InProgress.gif and then the tag
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Good times indeed! Thanks Mel! :)

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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Kai-An Tatok replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

Whew. Busy week this past week. This has been the first time I've been able to even come online or touch my lessons in several days. I'm continuing my meditations and have gotten up through about Lesson 3 in meditation, and will write a brief overview of them when I get the chance this week. Probably Wednesday. :)

I'm doing really well on the whole in life: I'm going to Aikido regularly (actually, theres a Seminar all weekend long with Kashiwaya-sensei, which I'm really excited about), I am starting to eat a little better (as the weather gets colder its easy to indulge on things that are good for me but not really good for me. Like cheese. Oooor chocolate. :P) I feel pretty grounded and not too emotional, which is lovely.

I am going through a period of confusion on several things. One of which is my future: I love my major, but nothing I am interested in or doing at the moment sounds like something I'd like to do professionally. I know that I don't have to know yet, and I know that what I do and what I major in don't have to connect in the slightest, but its still very wierd having no clue what I want. I fluctuate a lot. Although last night I hit upon something that actually sounds fabulous: being an editor for children's books ages young to college years, either as a copyeditor, or as someone who reads manuscripts and decides what to recommend for publishing. One, reading childrens/young adult literature for a living sounds like a dream come true. Two, I would feel fairly qualified doing so- I think I have a good deal of knowledge about the subject and am a very good copyeditor. Either that, or maybe starting my own bookstore. Who knows. I'm a little less worried about this at the moment, as I'm only a 3rd year, but it still bears thinking about.

I'm also very confused about my spiritual beliefs at this point. All my knowledge about religions and things of that nature are rolling about in my head. My basic morality hasn't changed, but I don't even know if I believe in a deity, or several deities or the force or what. I don't have any framework for it. I love the logic and ideas of eastern philosophy, but I also love the structure and ritual of paganism/wicca and the expression of joy I find in Christmas and Catholic hymns. I used to be able to take all of this as one whole harlequin tapestry of faith, but it seems to not fit together correctly anymore. I'm not sure what to think honestly, and sometimes it can be quite frightening. I'm doing my best, but so far no progress, other than that it brought me back here. :) Thats always a good thing.

Bedtime and more Dresden Files for me. I'll elaborate more when I've had more thoughts about it. :)

Much love,
Kai-An

"Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you." -Maz Kanata
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inari replied the topic: Re: Kai-An's Training Journal

I can totally relate to not wanting to know what you want to do career wise. I'm going to be 35 soon and still wrestling with this question. It seems to be that there is a lot of emphasis and pressure on people to pick what they want to do with their lives, and for some people this may be easy or clear cut. Perhaps you are like me, good at several things, interested in several more, not really attracted to the concept of locking yourself into one thing for the rest of your life. Or maybe you aren't.

I can't give any advice on how to deal with this. I would say go with what comes up for you, but this approach hasn't necessarily worked very well for me so I'm not sure if it's a good one or not.
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